BALTIMORE, MD - In response to company stock falling 3% after Golden State Warriors star Kevin Durant's comments that top athletes don't want to go to colleges sponsored by Under Armour, CEO Kevin Plank announced Thursday the launch of Under Armour's newest apparel line, Over Armour. "KD is a competitive guy, both on and off the court. Being sponsored by Nike, he's thus going to say things to make Nike's top competitor look inferior, even antiquated," said Plank, adding that Under Armour is not just for safety schools and that Under Armour's manufacturing complete suits of armor in no way suggests that. "What does Nike make? Just shoes, clothes, balls, and general elite-level athletic accessories--that's it. It's all flashy in a fake sort of way. But what's flashy in a real sort of way? Full body, polished, steel-plated armor. Kevin Durant can act like he knows what's cool and what kids want, but at the end of the day, I think he is trying to do evil. We don't like that, which is why Under Armour will continue its commitment to what works and what's always worked: the medieval." Plank went on to say that he thinks Kevin Durant's signature Nike shoe is dumb, dangerous, and bland, whereas the new Over Armour solleret will be the coolest, safest, and shiniest shoe on the market.
ATHENS, GREECE – Facing the possibility of defaulting on national loans and even potentially leaving the Eurozone, Greek financial experts announced Thursday that they are heavily considering moving to a yogurt standard. “People usually think of three things when they think of Greece: old buildings, mythology, and yogurt,” said Greek finance minister Yanis Varoufakis, who noted that although the country only has until June before its €240 billion bailout deal expires, worldwide Greek yogurt sales are booming. “We are confident that switching to a yogurt standard will allow Greece to pay back its European creditors in no time.” Varoufakis added that if the rest of the Eurozone doesn’t approve of the switch, there’s still enough time to work out a deal in the traditional gyro.
BUFFALO, NY – After record-low temperatures and the development of late snow, WKBW-7 head weatherman Bernie Basler was fired following a particularly disappointing winter season, the station announced Tuesday. “The WKBW-7 family wants to thank Bernie for all he’s done over the past eleven years as head weatherman, but we have differing forecasts of what’s best for Buffalo in the long term, ” said station manager Chuck Robinson, adding that he felt Buffalo should have a weatherman who can give the city the sort of weather it deserves. “Bernie really believed this would be the season we’d turn things around and we all believed in him. However, the results speak for themselves, so we will now be moving forward in a new, hopefully brighter direction.” Sources added that WKBW-7’s top prospect for Basler’s replacement is sister-affiliate KITV-4 Hawaii’s Keoni Kehana, who is coming off back-to-back snowless seasons.
SAN FRANCISCO – Trying to get to the airport to wrap up a long overdo visit, 33-year-old Katie Meyer’s goodbye with host Lindsay Welsh was reportedly taking much longer than originally intended, sources confirmed Sunday. “I had a great time and will text you when I get home,” said Meyer, who leaned against the door she had opened several minutes earlier as Welsh went on about how much she misses her already. “All right, well, thanks again Linds. It was great seeing you, but I should probably get going.” At press time, Meyer had reportedly put down her bags and stepped back inside as Welsh brought up yet another hilarious memory.