We Must Fight Back Against the Earth on Earth Day

We made up a holiday for Moms, we made up a holiday for Dads, we made up a holiday for February sex, and we even made up an online holiday for siblings, the byproduct of the previous three. But the holiday we made up for Planet Earth isn't enough for the watery sphere we call home. Planet Earth wants more from us. It hungers. It craves. And the only thing that can satiate its appetite is human sacrifice. 

Since excluding trading veteran players for draft picks no one sacrifices humans anymore, Earth just went ahead and tried to make a sacrifice for itself. That's the only logical explanation for a tornado coming out of nowhere. That or it was actually the Tasmanian Devil ripping through that schoolyard, probably working for this greedy bastard of a planet that just wants to see us all be killed. Let's not beat around the bush. We are at war with the Earth. No matter how much we try to win against it, from taming its rivers to harvesting its vital life source, the sun, for our own energy, it still keeps fighting the fight. It's playing dirty now, too, coming after our children.

So heed my warning: we must push forward on today, Earth Day, and take this fight to the next level. We cannot show our vulnerabilities and weaknesses to such a vicious, evil planet. If Earth is going to come after our children, then we must go after its children.

It's time we attack the moon.