Quarterbacks can either make or break any game, but Von Miller can break any quarterback, so quarterbacks are plain terrified of Von Miller for what he can make out of them. Von Miller is the best defensive player in the NFL, which is why the Denver Broncos gave him a 6-year, $114.5 million contract. The Broncos even guarantee Von Miller $70 million, which is how confident they are in his defensive superiority and quarterback terroriz-ability
As if Von Miller's football prowess isn't scary enough, he just boosted his abilities to make quarterbacks a scared with his scary new Adidas shoes. After Von Miller, the next two things quarterbacks are most a scared of is snakes and bacon. They are a scared of snakes because snakes are sneaky and most commonly bite people when people reach into covered places they can't really see, places like say under a center's butt when quarterbacks are taking the snap. Quarterbacks are a scared of bacon because bacon is so delicious that it will render anyone unable to control their will and as a result they will get really fat, a situation that will ruin any quarterback like say Tony Romo last offseason, which was totally true that he got fat and totally because of bacon, not just some silly camera angle coincidence.
Quarterbacks have always dreaded what it would be like if a snake had sex with bacon then the two had a child, a child which also happens to be a pair of football cleats. What makes the nightmare especially a scary is if those cleats are also for the best defensive player in the league. Bad news, quarterbacks: your nightmare just became a reality, because Von Miller's new shoes are exactly what it would be like if a snake had sex with bacon then the two had a child, a child which also happens to be a pair of football cleats.
Yes, these are Von Miller's terrifying new shoes that will certainly make quarterbacks more a scared than ever before: the lovechild between a snake and bacon.
Preemptive thoughts and prayers for Philip Rivers tonight as his San Diego Chargers face Von Miller's Denver Broncos, because Philip Rivers is as good as dead. Or more like as BAD as dead!
They say that if in the end snake venom doesn't get you, bacon cholesterol will. The only way to combat the bacon death is statins and beta-blockers, but there isn't anyone out there in the whole world that can beta-block an Alpha-defensive player like Von Miller, so thanks to Von Miller and his super spooky new shoes it's just a matter of time before every quarterback in the whole league is dead. Dead. Just dead. Dead and killed by an absolutely terrifying man in just some of the dumbest looking cleats ever.