NO! NO, COACH, NO! MAKE THIS STOP PLEASE I CAN'T HANDLE IT I CAN'T BREATH I THINK I'M DYING AM I DYING!?
Holy crap this video made me cry, stand up, and walk out of the room from laughing so hard, seriously. I doubled over as if none of the muscles in my entire body could do anything else except contract from laughter. This video grabbed my insides and squeezed all the air out. It took all of the sadness in the world and replaced it with tickly feathers. True hilarity is when something is so funny it makes your brain stop working and then you die. Hilarity definitely at least messes with your brain, but I believe you also die because when you die, the first thing that happens is you shit your pants. Well, this video made me laugh-cry so hard my brain melted and I shat my pants, so surely I must have died, too. I am dead.
Ditka singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is perfect. It has everything I've ever wanted to see in a video:
- Classic Wrigley Field on a beautiful summer day.
- The strange possibility that a seventh inning stretch singer wouldn't be able to sing because he or she didn't make it to the booth in time, which is so funny and bizarre.
- The fact that that person who wasn't there on time is COACH MIKE DITKA.
- The crowd boos the announcement that Ditka isn't there. This collective booing is the most attentive and put-together moment in seventh inning stretch and maybe even all-around crowd history.
- Ditka hauls it into the booth with his tongue hanging out, just like a big, loveable dog would have to do when running around in June. How can you not see that and just love Ditka?
- Ditka is wearing the most 1990s polo shirt of the entire 1990s. Every dad has this exact shirt somewhere in their closet.
- Ditka takes the microphone and just goes for it, no explanation, no how is everyone doing, no nothing.
- He just goes so fast, right out of the gate. I can't see it without laughing, every time. It's so fast! There's nothing but downhill running here, except it's downhill singing, and it's not downhill as in deteriorating, because it just gets better and better as it gets faster and faster.
- When he holds a note like on "ball" and "crowd," it's something so funny that no producer or writer or content creator in any capacity could ever make up. It's just pure, genuine comedy.
- Ditka might not breath once the whole darn song!
- The voice crack at the end comes at the perfect moment when both neither Ditka nor anyone listening/laughing has any air left to push out another note/laugh but is forced to, resulting in the noise he makes and the dying tone we let out as we are finally killed by hilarity. This is the definition of "finale."
When you consider all this and also how this video can't be watched without making you laugh every single time, the only conclusion is that Mike Ditka's 1998 seventh inning stretch is the funniest thing that ever happened. It's pure Chicago magic. Unfortunately though, I and everyone else who watches it is dead, which is a damn shame because the Chicago Cubs are very, very alive right now. I wish I could watch the rest of their historic World Series but I can't, as I'm now in the afterlife wiping away my laughter-induced tears and changing my pants.