I was thinking about incredible musicians last night and I realized that I hadn't checked up on Riff Raff for a while. It was then that I learned two shocking things. First, I wasn't following Riff Raff on either Twitter or Instagram, which is downright wrong and I'm so disappointed in myself for it. Two, and more importantly, Riff Raff is JACKED now.
SCUPLTiNG THE VERSACE GUNS AND STAYiNG iN PEAK PHYSiCAL PERFORMANCE SHAPE AT 235 OF PURE MUSCLE MASS AND ANY DUDE WHO COMMENTS ANYTHiNG NEGATiVE TOWARDS ME THEN YOU MASSAGE YOUR GRANDFATHERS CRUSTY iNNER THiGHS WiTH YOUR FACE AND YOUR TONGUE OUT AND YOUR MOM CHEERS YOU ON AND YOUR DAD iS EATiNG SHiT STiCKS THAT DROP OUT OF YOUR BUTT MEANWHiLE YOUR GRANNY RECORDS iT FOR HER SNACK CHAT .... SO YEAH ... THAT
This is such a fantastic and unforeseen development. How could I miss out on this? How is this not what everyone's been talking about constantly? Why is it not all over the news that one of the best rappers in the entire game is also a buff dude now? Oh man is this exciting and important. Just when I thought my investment in Riff Raff couldn't be any more valuable, it doubles, just like that. We are all very rich from Riff Raff.
I know I'm late to learning about this amazing development, but it gets WAY BETTER. There's even more precious treasure on Riff Raff island than I could have ever imagined:
"Forget the "Riff" and on with the ripped! Rapper Riff Raff took to his Twitter on Wednesday, Jan. 28, to proudly unveil his weight gain of a whopping 55 pounds. The added pounds, however, have been an intentional process for the jacked artist. Riff Raff (who famously inspired James Franco's character in Spring Breakers) recently announced that he has been training with Hulk Hogan to pursue a professional wrestling career. Last fall, Riff Raff, 33, told his Instagram fans that he was starting a "VERSACE STRENGTH TRAINING" session to shape up, and part of his routine included abstaining from all alcohol and drugs for 100 days." US Magazine
(Quick side note: let it be known that I considered referring to him as Ripped Raff before finding this article and regardless, will still call him by his God-given name, Riff Raff.)
RIFF RAFF IS TRAINING TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER. Words can't describe how important for these United States this development is. It completely changes my world. No, it completely changes the actual world. Yes, obviously there's some stuff to be said about what Hulk Hogan has said of recent, but hey, that's not what this is about. It's about the man, Riff Raff. It's about bringing one of the best entertainers in the world into the forefront of cultural entertainment: professional wrestling. I'm so, so excited and just can't wait for this to all fall into place. Riff Raff's made the future brighter than ever.
Finally, let's not forget about this:
Katy Perry, Michael Jordan, and Michael Jackson. The holy trifecta of American excellence. Riff Raff makes it a quadfecta, but throw in his coming professional wrestling career and you get something entirely different, even more glorious. Are we talking about the Holy Quinfecta?
No. We're talking about an entirely different religion. The faith of the swoll rapping hero. The First Church of Riff Raff.