El Chapo Snuck Into the U.S. Twice. What Did He Do?

"Escape artist and drug kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán made two furtive visits to the United States last year while he was on the lam, his daughter has told the Guardian in an exclusive interview. Rosa Isela Guzmán Ortiz, 39, a U.S. citizen, said her father sneaked into California to visit her in late 2015 at the large, five-bedroom home he purchased for her and her four children, the location of which was not disclosed. According to the Guardian, Guzmán Ortiz owns a chain of small businesses, but she insisted that any money she received from her father was clean. Asked how her father managed to cross the heavily patrolled U.S. border with Mexico — whose alleged porousness has become a major theme of leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump — Guzmán Ortiz declined to answer. “I asked him the same, believe me,” she said." Washington Post

Of course El Chapo snuck into the U.S. Of course snuck is a better word than sneaked. El Chapo is movie-grade villain, both in terms of the crimes he committed and how easily and how often he escaped. He had a network of tunnels to snuck all over the place and a network of people on the entire spectrum of authority to facilitate said snucking. Regardless of how hard people were trying to catch him, El Chapo was able to get pretty much anywhere he wanted.

This is the key point: he could go pretty much anywhere he wanted. Why did he go to his daughter's house, then? This one's easy. El Chapo just wanted a little downtime in his own house. Every working man just wants to be able to enjoy his house every once in a while. Although it's El Chapo's daughter's house, he bought it for her, so it's kind of technically his, too. I'm not saying El Chapo is like an honorable working man. I'm just saying he's a guy who happens to do work and owns a house. Therefore, when exhausted from an extensive business trip, which for El Chapo is evading most worldwide policing and investigative agencies,  he just wanted a day in his domicile.

What did he do while at home? The guy is filthy rich. He has committed all kinds of unspeakable horrors and has terrifying worldwide power. He could have anything he wants. He often has had anything he's wanted. But El Chapo didn't have a lavish party, or a heated affair, or a jello-filled swimming pool, or anything crazy like that. He was just at his house with his daughter and grandchildren. He was home.

El Chapo walked in the door. He left his shoes on. His daughter yelled at him for wearing his shoes in the house. El Chapo took off his shoes. He caught up with his grandchildren for a while until they ran outside to play, which was perfect timing because he couldn't listen to whatever the hell they were talking about anymore. He ate some heated up leftover lasagna, which wasn't that good but was also great because it was his lasagna in his own refrigerator. He took his pants off in front of the washing machine and dropped them right on the ground. He went into the living room, which he had totally forgotten was painted yellow three months ago. He sat on the suede couch, a couch he hated but had no vote in buying. He was wearing just his T-shirt and dirty tighty whiteys. He turned on the TV to try and catch up. It was all a bunch of stories about him on the news. The news made El Chapo mad because they reminded him of work. He turned the channel to TBS where a movie was already halfway done. He called his daughter into the living room and asked her to take off his socks for him. She said no. He asked again in a more childish, cuter voice. She said no again and left. He was all disgruntled and took his socks off himself. Then Eva Mendes said something heartfelt to Will Smith and El Chapo remembered how good the movie Hitch actually is. He got sucked in for the jetski part, which ran until the next commercial break. During the commercial break, El Chapo went from sitting on the couch to laying on the couch. Two commercials later he was sawing logs. An hour after that, his daughter gently touched his arm to wake him up. He about fell off the couch when he woke up as if he was having a heart attack because that's how men wake up from naps. His daughter reminded him that he had to go. El Chapo asked if his pants were clean. His daughter asked him what he was talking about. He said God damn it I left them in front of the washing machine didn't you see them? She said no that's not my job. She said wash your own pants. El Chapo was disgruntled again and asked if any of his other pants were clean. His daughter left. She brought back in a different pair of pants El Chapo forgot he even had. They were comfortable pants he really liked and he was over not having his other pants. His daughter also said there were some Girl Scout cookies on the counter and that he could have some before he left. El Chapo cautiously asked if they were Cranberry Citrus Crisps because he hates those ones but his daughter loves them so she buys them. She said no they're not Cranberry Citrus Crisps. She said they're Peanut Butter Patties. El Chapo got excited because he forgot that flavor even existed, much like the comfortable pants he was wearing. He ate four Peanut Butter Patties. His daughter said goodbye. She said that she loved him. He said you too because he was going through the refrigerator and was clearly not paying attention. She was a little annoyed but was used to this sort of thing. She asked what he was looking for. He said the milk. He said how the hell do we not have milk? He said milk is like the only thing I ever think to get when I'm at the store. She said it's on the door. He said oh, sorry. He poured himself a glass of milk. He drank the milk. He was surprised at how good it was. He said is this whole milk? She said yes it is whole milk. She said they had stopped drinking skim milk because the additives to make it fat free are actually worse for you than just drinking regular milk fat. He said awesome. He said I love whole milk. He said I can't wait to come back soon. Then El Chapo gave her a hug. He left.

As promised, El Chapo came back a second time, half to see his family again and half because he wanted to see if they were still buying whole milk. They were still buying whole milk. El Chapo did the whole routine again. This time he even got to see a different part of Hitch, a part he both forgot about and forgot that he loved, just like that one pair of pants and Peanut Butter Patties. He hugged his daughter. El Chapo left again. He later on wondered why Girl Scout Cookies aren't for sale year-round. He then wondered if they actually were for sale year-round now? He wondered if he read that somewhere. El Chapo hit his head on a low-hanging beam in his escape tunnel because he wasn't paying attention while he was wondering about Girl Scout Cookies. He said son of a bitch that hurt because it hurt when he hit his head on the low-hanging beam. A bunch of marines above ground heard El Chapo say son of a bitch that hurt. They eventually caught him after a chase of sorts. El Chapo has had that pair of tighty whiteys for about seven years now.