The Chicago Bears are all thumbs.

#Bears coach John Fox says at his news conference that QB Jay Cutler has a thumb sprain. It appears there will be no surgery, so just rehab.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 20, 2016

Bears ILB Danny Trevathan sprained a thumb. It will require surgery. Not season-ending.
— Rich Campbell (@Rich_Campbell) September 20, 2016

#Bears coach John Fox calls Jay Cutler day to day with sprained thumb & Danny Trevathan will have non-season ending thumb surgery.
— Brad Biggs (@BradBiggs) September 20, 2016

Or... They're not enough thumbs, then.

Revision: the Chicago Bears are all two left feet.

LB LaMaar Houston suffered a 'significant' knee injury.
— Chicago Sports News (@ChiSportUpdates) September 20, 2016

Ka'Deem Carey has a hamstring injury. His return to the game is questionable.#PHIvsCHI #MNF
— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) September 20, 2016

Bears DL Eddie Goldman suffered an ankle sprain.
— 670 The Score (@670TheScore) September 20, 2016

Maybe two left feet, but nothing above the ankles.

Re-revision: the Chicago Bears are all no-hands, no-legs.

Early indication is Eddie Goldman may have only suffered high ankle sprain. Looked worse in real time.
— Jeff Dickerson (@DickersonESPN) September 20, 2016

At least Eddie Goldman's injury isn't as bad as it seems. You know things are rough when this is some of the only good news from last night's loss to the Eagles. Still, ankle injuries are unreliable and shaky, even more unreliable and shakier than the Bears as a whole, so:

Re-Re-revision: the Chicago Bears' bodies are completely gone and thus the Chicago Bears are legally dead.

This may seem like a very bad, horrible thing--loss of all physical presence for an entire football team--but it's actually great news because:

The Chicago Bears are all dead so now they are all ghosts.

It's impossible to block, cover, or tackle a ghost, so the Chicago Bears will be unstoppable the rest of the season. The Bears will win their next 14 games to finish 14-2, win the Wild Card, and go on to win the Super Bowl. Afterwards, Jay Cutler's ghost can finally be set free and with it, what was once a great franchise.