Saddest Headline Ever: "Chicago Goes 6 Days without a Fatal Shooting"

"Chicago went for more than six days without a fatal shooting for the first time since at least January 2013. Most recently, a person was found shot to death on Saturday afternoon in the Austin neighborhood on the West Side." Sun-Times

Everyone knows about the horrific murder rate in Chicago, from simply being aware of the terrible numbers themselves (747 murders in 2016) to President Trump talking about it pretty frequently in his speeches and whatnot. The Chicago murder epidemic is sad for a million reasons. Obviously, the actual deaths and those affected by them are by far the most horrible part. Following that, the sadness goes on and on: that the numbers are only increasing with time, suggesting nothing we've tried helps at all. That the majority of people, myself included, do or can do nothing about it. That it's a decades-long staple of the Chicago identity. That the issue is used for political fuel to fight about in campaigns, even though once again the issue is only getting worse and those political efforts are worthless, if they even occur at all. The terrible list sadly goes on and on. Perhaps craziest of all is that it's all such a normal thing. There were 3550 shooting incidents in Chicago last year. People get used to it and that's truly insane.

Considering all this, this is simply the saddest headline ever. For one, it's not even a full week. In cartoons when they show the "days without an accident" poster never going in the double digits, it's sad comedic relief. But this is real life. It's really been that short of a timespan since the last fatal shooting. Second, this streak or whatever you want to label it only goes back to 2013. Four years is hardly significant when we're talking about constant murder. Third, and worst of all, is pointing out this streak as a headline. I don't think the point is to say this streak is an accomplishment, but still, considering the epidemic is quite unfortunately quite ongoing, why even track a lapse? Until the headline is about a significant or, better yet, complete solution and result, it's not necessary to make news about it at all.

So, for now, this is just the saddest headline ever.

Are There Not Child Labor Laws in the U.S. Anymore?

The video of this 4th grader doing the weather can be found here, if you want to feel bad about how little you've done in your life compared to this kid.

What I don't get about all the jobs and employment arguments people have--is unemployment actually up or down, can overseas jobs actually come back or not, are newly created jobs good or bad, etc--is why is no one talking about the movement toward youth in the workforce? Music is already taken over by people who are just barely legal adults or aren't yet: Lorde, Ariana Grande, those four or five British guys that are super famous even though they're like 15 years too late to the boyband scene. The film industry is full of young stars: La La Land director Damien Chazelle is 32 years old, Lucas Hedges from Manchester by the Sea is 20, Meryl Streep is timeless--am I right everyone ever who would never dare point out that no matter what she does she automatically gets a nomination even though honestly anyone could play a role where you sing bad and people act like they're impressed. And not to mention the sneaker construction industry is just flooded with young talent: uh oh, who gets to point fingers at whom about priveledge now, every American!? No, you're right, your Tom's are totally a get-out-of-jail-free card, and guess what! That card comes with a free Uber ride, too! Good job, you!

But now local TV is taken over by kids? Isn't that what we invented YouTube and Vine for, so that kids could think they're famous while making a few hundred thousand dollars a year? Every time we put a kid on real TV, they're one step closer to being adult famous. But where are the labor laws? By that I don't mean like it's illegal, but like the laws of labor--what about paying your dues after you go to college and stuff and having to wait until you're like 30 to make it? You never hear about these kids going to work with their dad at the firm for a day then getting to be partner by the time they're 20. So why is that the case with all of these lucrative, super-important entertainment jobs? Do you think Al Roker got to be head weatherman by doing the weather as a kid? No, he did it by doing whatever Al Roker did. And that's how you earn a spot on morning talkshow TV. By something something something. That's what I'm trying to say here: who cares about entertainment stuff.

It's Better to Get Killed by a Shark than a Drone

*Disclaimer: No one in this video dies. I mean, they do eventually, just not in this video.

Upon first viewing, what stands out as scary in this video is the great white shark. It gets super close to the surfers, even darts at them before turning away. However, it doesn't seem like the second guy who the shark gets close to ever actually notices the big fish. To that guy, he's just out there surfing, having a ball without a care in the world beyond his idea-only startup (it's toothpaste you can swallow) and alleged passion for universal healthcare (at least that's what he says all over his Facebook). It's a no harm, no foul situation. To be fair to the surfer guy, that's probably what it's like whenever someone's surfing: sharks all over the place below the water, getting really close before swimming away because they're real smart or picky eaters or majestic or whatever people who go in the ocean would tell you to justify being around all that unknown scary stuff.

What's really scary about this video is the drone. These dudes can't even go out on the water without being stalked on by drones? Isn't water supposed to kill drones? At least sharks don't go on land. But drones go over the water? That's not fair. Sure, it's probably another one of their looks-like-he's-29-holy-shit-he's-43-years-old friends filming them, but still, they're in drone danger. Fortunately this drone didn't attack them or fall on them or anything like that, but if it weren't for this drone film, they would have never known about the shark. What if they saw this footage then had a heart attack and died? We don't know yet if chia seeds or acai berries don't actually just predispose surfer dudes to heart attacks, ticking time booms waiting to go off when the ocean-riding types finally experience stress for the first time in their lives. It'd be a hell of a way to die, and a sad, technological one at that.

That's why it's better to get killed by a shark than a drone. It's natural, respectable, and pretty frickin' cool, to be honest. After all, Steven Spielberg never made any movies about a bloodthirsty drone terrorizing an entire region. That is until someday when he does the Barack Obama biopic. 

If You Want to See the Dumbest Video Possible, Watch This Missouri Fishing Video

(Shoutout to Chad Shmukler of Hatch Magazine for his great writeup about this, which is way nicer than I could possibly be)

* * * * *

Hey, Missouri Department of Conservation, you're making us fishermen look bad. Actually, you're making us look awful.

Nothing is more frustrating than undeniable, hard evidence against something that you believe in, especially when such evidence is so flagrantly condemnable. It's like when you're having an argument with someone about why restaurant X is better than restaurant Y and you finally get whoever you're arguing with to go to restaurant X with you and they have a bad experience that you just know is rare. Well, in the case of this video, it's like taking a non-McDonald's person to the holy land for an always reliable burger and when you get there they serve that person a deep fried razorblade between two sesame seed buns. That's how much this video cuts me up. 

I love fishing and advocate for all people to try it. Worst case scenario with fishing, you spend some valuable time outdoors on some (hopefully) beautiful body of water. That's a pretty good worst case scenario. OK, the actual worst case scenario with fishing is you drown, but that's not really a fishing accident. That's a water accident, if we're being honest. Anyways, anti-fishing people have a ton of arguments I disagree with: it's inhumane, it's barbaric, it glorifies killing animals, it's gross, etc. To these people I usually bring up conservationism, catch and release, the difference between harvesting your own meat sources versus buying meat, the cultural heritage of fishing, etc. To the extreme versions of these people who just want to yell and don't want to learn, I point out there won't be Wi-Fi on the stream and they rush to the nearest Starbucks for safety, dropping the silly argument entirely.

However, this video makes us fishermen look pretty darn bad. Hundreds of people overfishing the same water. Tons of shots of people keeping as many fish as possible. Maybe one shot of a released fish. All of the fish are gigantic and frankenstein-like, almost definitely farm fed, planted fish. Now I'm not saying all of these things are necessarily bad in themselves--I eat my share of fish and have fished a stocked pond or two before--but this video is strong fuel for the anti-fishing fire. It's like a gallon of gasoline labeled "fishing is bad". The way this video is put together, the music, the overall package is the exact kind of crap someone would show their coffeeshop friends and say "oh my gosh can you believe how horrible these hicks are!? Missouri is a horrible place!" It's a bummer to think about and the most frustrating part is that the Missouri Department of Conservation is the one who put it together.

Come on, what are you doing, MDC!? Yes, your video will get some people excited about fishing, but those people don't need videos to get excited about fishing. They already have fishing to get them excited about fishing. If you want to win people over to fishing, you have to make fishing look good. This video does not do that. Not even close. I know the featured parks from this video are doing well and this works for them, but it's a snagged backcast in the trees for fishing in general.

By the way, in that hypothetical argument the guy I'm arguing with is absolutely a Chipotle guy. 

Imagine the Relief of Having a 140 Pound Tumor Removed

"SAINT CLAIR, Pa. -- For years, a Pennsylvania woman tried to shed excess weight using every method possible. As Mary Clancey of Saint Clair tipped the scales at more than 350 pounds, she finally discovered it wasn't fat but a tumor the size of a person. Clancey is half the woman she used to be now that the 140-pound cyst has been surgically removed. All along, she thought it was just the way she was meant to get old until the shock of her life back in November. Clancey still can't get over the way she lost nearly 200 pounds in one day. She struggled with her weight for the better part of two decades trying one thing after another." WGN

I would have linked to the video but there's some crazy stuff in it and then made the mistake of googling tumor and now I'll never look at life the same, so my funny intro will be that Saint Clair is in Schuylkill County, which admittedly sounds funnier than it reads. Anyway, if you can watch the video because that sort of insane thing interests you, look at the size of that bad boy this poor woman had in her. She looks great now, but one can only imagine what the wild process was like--thinking you're perpetually overweight for years, trying all weight loss methods, giving up on losing weight, finding out it's a tumor, having the tumor removed, and finally, being a healthy, happy weight. Woh! If I were a dad I would say that this is what I go through every morning before taking the world's biggest poop, but I'm not a dad, so I'll just have to leave that be knowing I will say that in 5-15 years. Being so, I'm not saying this is comparable to taking a huge dump, but considering the relief one experiences after letting out a giant brown bear that's been hibernating in the back den for too long, imagine how good it must feel to get a 140 pound tumor out with an additional 60 pounds of who knows what. Good for her. I bet afterwards she immediately texted a picture of it to all her buddies with the caption "biggest ever!?!?"

Finally, now she is left with all these gigantic clothes that no longer fit. Subway needs to come after her for sponsorship right away. I mean, if we could all believe the lie that Jared lost all that weight with just sandwiches and lifestyle changes, we can certainly support Subway lying about Ms. Clancey doing it. At least it would be going to a good cause. Also, we could all forgive the lie because her weight came from a tumor, not from let's just say other extracurricular activities. By the way, if you read up on it, Jared Fogle got his ass kicked in jail by another inmate. That's why they call it the Justice System.

SpaceX Is Bananas for Not Sending Monkeys Around the Moon Before People: Elon Musk is a Robot

"Elon Musk's space travel company, SpaceX, announced this week that it will fly two citizens around the moon next year, marking the first time anyone's gone to deep space in more than 45 years. In a news release, SpaceX said two "private citizens" approached the company and paid a "significant despot" for the space flight. "Like the Apollo astronauts before them, these individuals will travel into space carrying the hopes and dreams of all humankind, driven by the universal human spirit of exploration," SpaceX said. "We expect to conduct health and fitness tests, as well as begin initial training later this year." GameSpot

Elon Musk is known for being bold and unconventional--from shaking up one of the world's most established industries to making his million dollar ideas public to being friends with the Facebook guy even though they made that movie about how the Facebook guy is a bad friend.  For as crazy and nuanced as everything else Elon Musk has done is, wanting to send two non-famous aka worthless people into space before sending a monkey there crosses the line. Everyone knows if you do space stuff you have to send a monkey to wherever it is you intend to send people before sending people there. PETA activists would say this is inhumane, but the reason we do it is out of respect for monkeys. Monkeys can't go to space on their own because they're too busy being on YouTube and playing baseball with Joey from Friends. It is out of respect and totally not fear of a Planet of the Apes situation that we send them to space before we go there. The only logical explanation for why Elon Musk isn't doing so is because Elson Musk does not respect monkeys. For a man of science, technology, and cars for pretentious people, he clearly does not believe in evolution. But since he's so interested in leaving God's green Earth, also known as the Blue Planet, he must also not believe in God. What does this mean? Elon Musk is a robot. He wants to send everyone to cold, silent space to die so he can live on Earth amongst only the very monkeys he does not respect. Only then when we're all dead in space will Elon Musk's precious giant remote control cars actually be better than regular cars--regular cars which mind you run on fossil fuels, the remnants of Steven Spielberg's dinosaurs which Elon Musk hates, too. 

People of Earth: Elon Musk is out to get us all. Be wary. 

Monkeys of Earth: keep doing what you're doing with all your famous video stuff. We going-around-the-moon human people may not be famous, but thank the God that Elon Musk doesn't believe in you monkeys are. Just remember, we can argue about God versus science all we want, but at the end of the day, neither beats being famous. Or bananas. 

We're All Idiots and We're All In This Together

We are idiots. Every single one of us. We all in some way or another did or didn't do something to find ourselves where we are today. We're all pointing fingers and we're all mad at whoever the idiot is on the other side of the issue, whatever the issue is, whoever the idiot is. I grew up in a small, boring, dumb town and went to a Podunk, poor, public high school, both full of country idiots. I went to a fancy, rich, entitled Ivy League college with the most idiot kind of idiots and now live in the huge, scary, dumb city, full of city idiots. I myself am between these two types of idiots as a hybrid, dumb, all-around idiot, an idiot from every angle. Although idiots across the spectrum are pointing and have long pointed fingers across the huge divide to say, "Wow, look at that idiot," the simple fact is this: we're all idiots. We just are much, much further apart in our being idiots than we should be.

Today is as good a day as any to come together, to shake hands or hug, stand side-by-side, and admit that we're all in this together, just a bunch of idiots. We are all idiots and we all always will be idiots. The key is to embrace every single person for the unique, lovable idiot they are as only true idiots can do. That is how we will make the future better, brighter, and happier. There's lots of work to be done and a long way to go, but when we get there, together, hopefully we'll be able to look back and say, "Man, look at how idiotic we all used to be."

The Nintendo Switch: May our Hearts and Taints Finally be Set Free

Nintendo used to be THE video game platform that everyone played. From Game Boy to all of their consoles until Nintendo 64, Nintendo was a video game powerhouse. Nintendo's products and franchises were simple, fun, and entertaining. However, when Nintendo released the Wii and then Wii U, its popularity and sales slipped behind Xbox, Playstation, and even some independent developers. Gone was the warm, tingly twilight of Nintendo goodness, replaced by a cold, insensitive advanced-graphics-exclusively-first-person-shooters-with-high-voiced-strangers-over-the-internet badness. After that came the influx of mobile phone games, e-sports, and e-cigarettes, all of which captured a cool douchiness that Nintendo would have never even dreamed could tickle the consumer's tickle-hungry taint.

Nintendo's Sun was no longer a Rising one. Nintendo's Sun was a Setting Sun. With the darkness of Nintendo's night came the end of simple, fun video gaming. It was gone and to be in peril forever, just like Princess Peach--who honestly for the sake of all that is holy and enjoyable has to be the worst heroine of all time. Get your crap together, Princess Peach. You're always in trouble, can never be saved, and don't even try to do anything for yourself. It's frustrating and embarrassing. Princess Peach, who do you even think you are? Nintendo?

Nintendo was dying. Nintendo was becoming dead. Nintendo is no longer dying. Because Nintendo is dead. It is buried in a turtle shell coffin enshrined in banana peels, lost in the ocarinas of time. The world's plumbing overfloweth with the tears of a million overall-clad Italians. There are no stars in they sky above the foxes. What the hell even is Kirby? 

The Setting Sun covers the world in darkness.

If only a Switch could turn the light back on.

* * * * *

Presenting: the Nintendo Switch.

If in the absence of Nintendo you were empty-handedly roaming the seeming abyss of creation--experiencing a strange non-electronic wilderness that legend has it our ancestors called "Earth"--with nothing to barrage your oh-so-ticklish taint excluding your cellphone, Pokemon Go, and Donald Trump's internet, your hands no longer have to remain empty. This, you see, is because the Nintendo Switch is not just a stay-at-home video game console. The Nintendo Switch is a take-with-you video game console.

Oh rejoiceth! Yay very good and huzzah! Holy shit balls! Let your cries of gleeful pleasure reach to the heavens above, for the darkness has been cleared by the new Rising Sun that is Nintendo Switch! Our private parts are on fire with the flurry of tingly taint tickling that Nintendo Switch has bestowed upon us, making us all Rise up, too! We're all Rising up so, so hard, Nintendo! We will never be without video games anywhere because we can at last take video games with us everywhere! Let the clogged green pipes be cleared so we may all take a huge, steamy shit once again!

The Nintendo Switch has finally set us all free. Free from the prison that is whatever the hell prison I guess we were apparently in. We may go and pollute what is still pure with more electronics. Whereas we couldn't shit all over the place before now, now we may cover the world with our runny, unoriginal, boring shit. Our taints will be tickled until they explode, letting loose the Princess Peach inside us all. She's always been trying to get out, but only now has Nintendo given her the power to do so do. She and in turn we are finally free. And there's absolutely no way Princess Peach is totally just going to get stuck in some made up fortress again.

Expedia Sends Woman a "F*** You" Message to Keep Up with Contemporary Customer Service Standards

"LOS ANGELES (KABC) -- A Los Angeles woman claims she wrote a negative review of Expedia after a bad experience, and the company canceled her trip and wrote "f--- you!" on her itinerary. Cara Viramontes has been looking forward to taking her 8-month-old son on a family vacation." ABC

First of all, shout out to Ms. Viramontes' 8-month-old son. For as crazy as this story is, I still couldn't stop being impressed by her son's tranquility during the interview. This kid is so calm and patient throughout the entire video. What a great kid. He's too young for candy, but when he's ready, I think he deserves some candy. Mom, give your son an "IOUCandy." If he learns to read and figures out what that note means, he's earned the candy. That's when you give him the candy.

Regarding the actual story: for as much as people complain on the internet about every single disservice nowadays--from parents being mad on Facebook about everything that does or does not happen to their children to journalists righteously blabbering on Twitter about feeling slighted by airlines--it's nice to see the folks at Expedia sticking up for themselves. Although some people would think to themselves, Who still uses Expedia? or Is Expedia the one with the Shatner commercials? (it is not), most of us will likely agree that Expedia is just trying to stay with the times with this customer service exchange. We know that individuals can get mad at companies whenever they want. We also know that some companies are legally essentially individuals, as evidenced by the Hobby Lobby Supreme Court case or companies trademarking genes or one of these cases like that, I can't quite remember which but it did totally happen (certainly at least for the sake of this argument). Thus it is only fair that some of these companies, which are individuals, get mad right back at people, who are also individuals. Individuals dealing with other individuals in some capacity or another. If that's not customer service, then I don't know what is.

It's preposterous that Ms. Viramontes would be mad at Expedia as if this is bad customer service. For Pete's sake, she received direct communication from Expedia! What is better customer service than hearing back directly, in a personalized message no less!? This is the sort of thing Google, Netflix, and Apple would kill to be able to say they do. Yes, the message she received is debatably rude, perhaps even negative. However, at least she didn't have to wait on the phone for 10 minutes listening and pressing buttons--none of which are even close to a category that would include her problem--to only then be put on hold to talk to a customer service representative who eventually directs you back to the internet to not have your problem solved.

All Expedia did here was act like every single person in 2016 and send a little personalized love in the form of a "f*** you" to someone they've never met in real life. Is that so wrong? If so, then try explaining that to people.

The Daily Luke Isn't Dead It was Just Trailblazing Trail Mix

Trailblazing, you know, the practice of adventuring in the outdoors and leaving marks of some sort to identify your path for others or leave yourself a distinguished route to trace back.

Leaving marks of some sort...

So, what marks did I leave while trailblazing? I'm leaving one right now, because this post is about my very own trail mix. Trail mix is the trail I'm blazing, trail mix is the mark I'm leaving.

I've been eating a lot of trail mix lately. That's not exclusively what I was doing in the absence of TDL (The Daily Luke, no big deal that's just the abbreviation for this very, critically acclaimed website), but it certainly accompanied my adventures. Boy oh boy, have I eaten a lot of trail mix. Mixed up the mixes, too -- Mountain, Tropical, Cajun, Southwestern, Rocky Road, Sweet 'N Salty, Chocolatey Peanut Butter, and a few more that I can't remember the name of. Hell, at one point I was just eating an assortment gravel, but to be fair, I was pheasant hunting and just trying to be like the pheasants, who have to eat little rocks to store in their gizzards for grain digestion. Eating tiny rocks outdoors. That's how into trail mix I have been.

After sampling and studying so many different mixes of trail mix, I have finally determined the recipe for the best trail mix in the world. It is called "Luke's Mix" and the recipe is as follows:

1. 1 cup of M&M's, regular
2. 1 cup of butterscotch chips
3. 1 cup of chocolate chips
4. 1 cup of caramel chips
5. 1 cup of sugar cubes
6. 1 bag of M&M's, peanut butter
7. 4 bags of M&M's, almond
8. 2 pounds of beef jerky
9. 1 industrial bag of Fun Size candy bars, unwrapped (Don't make the mistake of keeping them wrapped!)
10. 1 stick of butter, unwrapped
11. 2 boxes of Milk Duds 
12. 1 quart of chocolate-covered raisins coverings
13. 58 malted milk balls
14. 1 bag of M&M's, peanut
15. 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies
16. 6 gas station apple or cherry pies, depending on pie preference
17. 1 hunk of fudge
18. 3 more pounds of beef jerky
19. 3 party size bags of SunChips
20. All of the boxes of Junior Mints you can find at as many stores as you can go to in 30 minutes

Combine the mix in an extra large, external frame backpack and shake it around as much as you can without passing out or throwing out your back. Sample the mix and add Neapolitan ice cream for consistency and flavor, to your liking. Put on the backpack and head out on the trail!*

*Be sure to leave an updated version of your will with someone before heading out on the old dusty trail. If the Luke's Mix itself doesn't kill you, the bears and wolves will. Either way, dying is better than eating any regular trail mix.