Like most people, I face many difficult decisions and situations every day. Bacon or ham with my eggs, toast, steak, and sausage? Wash this T-Shirt or what even is "dirty," anyway, when you really think about it? Is this finally the day I get my special birthday balloon out of the tree it's been tangled up in the last fifteen years? No, but that day will hopefully come someday soon, the good balloon Lord willing.
Yes, lots of hard stuff. However, the hardest of all our daily difficulties is undoubtedly the confounding conundrum we constantly find ourselves in: What is this? A corgi or a corn snake?
By definition, a corgi and a corn snake could not be more different. A corgi is a long-bodied, short-legged, floppy-eared cattle herding animal that weighs between 20 and 35 pounds, depending on how adorably plump it is. Most notably, it is a dog. A corn snake is a long-bodied, no-legged, inside-its-head-eared, non-cattle-herding animal that weighs between 1 and 2 pounds, depending on how much corn is in it. Most notably, it is a snake. Whereas a corgi is a fuzzy fuzzy bark-bark, a corn snake is a red checkered squiggly line. They are two very different animals, even though both cross all our paths all the time.
In application, though, a corgi and a corn snake could not be more similar. To the naked eye, they are almost indistinguishable. To the clothed eye, they are not even visible, for the clothed eye is wearing an eye patch and an eye patch makes said eye pretty much blind. We may know that a corgi is a bark-bark and a corn snake is a squiggly line, but those are just words--ideas, really. We can't see ideas, no matter how much the liberal controlled cartoons may tell us we can with their disappointingly nonexistent floating lightbulb lies. We can only think ideas. Thus, to see a corgi and know it is a corgi or to see a corn snake and know it is a corn snake is a tremendous, confidence-shaking challenge. It is not only hard, it is scary, because being wrong is the scariest thing in the world excluding when you think you've lost your wallet and you don't want to check your pocket in case it's actually lost so then your heart beats real hard and you are super freaked out until your hand finally touches the outside of your pants pocket and you realize your wallet was there the whole time. Phew!
Despite populist belief, telling the difference between a corgi and a corn snake doesn't have to be so hard or scary. The following is a visual guide intended to finally and definitively sort out the difference between corgis and corn snakes:
These are corgis. You can tell because there are five of them together. Corn snakes would never be found in such a grouping because corn snakes never gather in prime numbers. Prime numbers are against their slithery biological programming.
This is a corgi. You can tell because his name is Walter and Walter is a name reserved exclusively for Grandpas and corgis. Corn snakes are often named Wit, Wayne, and even Walt, but never Walter. This is because corn snakes are unable to have names with more syllables than they have limbs.
This is a corgi. You can tell because he is the companion of my good friend Cecil and Cecil is trustworthy. Cecil would never tell a lie and because of this, I take his word that his corgi is a corgi, not a corn snake. Isn't Cecil handsome and trustworthy?
This is a corgi. You can tell because he only has one front arm. The other was lost during The War. A corn snake would never have only one front arm because "front arm" suggests at least one back arm, too. A corn snake cannot have more than one arm, front or back, because a corn snake is itself one entire arm.
These are corgis. You can tell because they are wearing crowns with the Queen of England. That is where the term "Regal Beagle" comes from. A corn snake would never be seen with the Queen of England because corn snakes respect the rich history of this great nation that broke away from the tyranny of British colonialism. Also, if a corn snake tried to wear a crown, it would slide right off its head because corn snakes have inside-their-heads-ears. Not to mention a corn snake in a crown would look downright silly!
This is a corgi. You can tell because he is howling a cautionary howl at the mysterious hand in this photo that is about to strangle the handsome man--oh wait, that's my handsome friend Cecil! Good dog, corgi! Don't let that hand strangle Cecil. Cecil is too trustworthy and too handsome to be strangled. A corn snake would never alert my good friend Cecil of a murderous hand because corn snakes are too jealous of the friendship me and Cecil share. You'll never have what we have, corn snakes.
This is a corgi. You can tell because he is seeking counsel after reliving a traumatic memory from The War. It's a good thing corgis have Cecil, friend of the corgis. Wow, Cecil really is just such a great guy. If it weren't for Cecil, I would never know what a corgi is. Corn snakes would never go to Cecil for help with their fears, pains, or issues because there is a major stigma among corn snakes when it comes to discussing mental health. It's really sad and absolutely shouldn't be that way. I feel horrible for corn snakes in this regard and wish there were someone there to help them. I wish there were some handsome, trustworthy guy named like Stecil or something who corn snakes could trust and talk to.