Dear Mr. Lincoln,
Hello. How are you? I'm writing you this letter half because I'm supposed to write a letter for a school assignment, and half because my mom told me I should write a letter to someone who's been through hard stuff when I get sad. I can't remember why I was sad, but I was real sad the other day. Did you ever get sad about stuff? In history class my teacher said that you had depression. That seems like about the most sad a person could be. I'm sorry you felt so sad about stuff.
Mr. Lincoln, you were the 16th President of the United States of America, I think. Most people think you were the best President, cause of ending slavery and the Civil War and stuff. Those were really important things, but I bet you were a really nice guy, too. People remember nice people. My Grandpa Louie was a real nice guy and everyone remembers him. My Grandpa Nick, on the other hand, was a real jerk. I remember!
Mr. Lincoln, when you were President, was stuff funny at all? Or was it just sad, cause of like the war and stuff. Even in sad times some stuff is funny. Like if you ever see a dog and it does something funny, that can be pretty funny. Boy, I love dogs. Did you like dogs, Mr. Lincoln? There's a song called "Who Let the Dogs Out." Now that's a funny song! We got a TV channel at my house called Comedy Central. I'm not allowed to watch it, but I bet it's funny. Someday, I'm gonna watch that channel. Then I'll walk around laughing and laughing, and we'll all know why!
Mr. Lincoln, did it hurt when you got shot and killed? Or could you not feel it, cause of you died or maybe because of your big hat. Whenever people are you in plays and stuff they wear a big hat. But I bet you didn't wear that big hat as much as we thought you did. I have a red baseball hat from my summer little league baseball team. It's a pretty good hat, but I don't wear it all the time.
Mr. Lincoln, did you have to go to church when you were the President? It seems like everyone went to church back then. There was this other important guy named Winston Churchill. He wore a big hat around a lot, too, I think. He was in charge of Britain during World War II. Yeah, a lot changed since you died. There were a bunch of wars, and twice it was the whole world fighting. We also have something called the World Cup where the whole world plays soccer, but no one really cares in America. My dad says it's because we stink at soccer, but I think it's just because we got lots of other good stuff to do.
I saw a snake the other day outside. Yuck! You see Mr. Lincoln, I like worms, but I don't like snakes. After it rains, I go outside with a bucket and a flashlight. I got out and sneak around the garden, then catch earthworms and put them in the bucket to use as fishing bait later. Are there such thing as skyworms do you think? Maybe spaceworms, probably. Could you imagine if there were snakes out after it rained? I would not try to catch worms then, on the account of the snakes. Snakes are real jerks, huh, Mr. Lincoln?
Mr. Lincoln, did you know that you're on money? Coin money and dollar money. That's pretty neat, I think. Money is real important, so that's a good thing to have your picture on. Do you think if you were around today you'd have a lot of money, Mr. Lincoln? If you did, what would you buy? Do you know what a trampoline is, Mr. Lincoln? I bet you'd like it. It's this big bouncy circle made out of black jumpy stuff. We don't have a trampoline, but my friend Kyle does. His parents let him do more stuff than my parents let me do sometimes. Kyle's dad has a guitar and his mom says the word "dude." My dad falls asleep on top of the covers in his underwear.
Mr. Lincoln, I have the funniest story to tell you. Have you seen the movie "Aladdin?" It's about this poor guy named Aladdin and he has a monkey and a genie and he likes this princess even though he's poor. He steals bread but it's OK because it's to give to some hungry kids who don't have any bread. There's also this bad guy named Jafar. He does magic and he turns into a snake at one point so you know he's a bad guy. Anyway Mr. Lincoln, there's this one part where some guy opens a box and makes a fart noise. Mr. Lincoln, I'm telling you, you've gotta see this part of the movie. It's the funniest thing in the whole wide world, and yes that includes dogs and also my friend Matt.
Are you in heaven, Mr. Lincoln? What's it like when you die? Sometimes I get real scared about death, Mr. Lincoln. What if things are weird when you die? Can you fly? How old are you? Do you watch living people from up in heaven? Do you get hungry in heaven? What if you have to poop? Do you have to poop? I mean, not right now, Mr. Lincoln. But like do you ever have to poop in heaven? Is all of the bad stuff on earth just on earth and none of it is in heaven? Do they have motorcycles in heaven? Do you know who Evel Knievel is, Mr. Lincoln? Have you met my Grandpa Louie yet? You should meet him. If I were you I wouldn't meet Grandpa Nick. He might not be up there, to tell you the truth. Sorry if that's a mean thing to say but I think it's the truth.
You know how they say George Washington couldn't tell a lie? Is that true? Cause if that's a lie, that's a pretty bad thing to lie about. Did you ever know George Washington? He had long hair but didn't listen to rock and roll music, I don't think. Rock and roll music is really cool. I bet you guys have a lot of rock and roll music in heaven, Mr. Lincoln. Do you think being President is better or worse than being a king? Would you rather be a king, or the President? If you're a king you get to carry a sword and wear a crown. That's pretty cool. But a big tall hat is pretty cool too, I guess.
Do you like basketball? I bet you love basketball, Mr. Lincoln. You look like a basketball player. I bet you could dunk the basketball really good. If you were a basketball player, would you go by Abe, or Abraham? I think Abe would be a pretty good basketball name. You could shoot jumpshots and when they go in you could make your fingers look like pistols and then people could say "Abe!" from the stands. That would be really pretty neat. I bet you could even play in your big hat, if you wanted to. After all, it seems like everyone really liked you.
Mr. Lincoln, there's a lot of people in the world. I know there were a lot when you were around, but there's even more now. There's like 6 or 7 billion people in the world nowadays. It might not seem like it in some places like Montana or out at sea, but in other places I think you can really tell that there's that many people, like in China or the city. How many people do you think there's gonna be? It sure is kind of scary, all of those people. What are we all supposed to do? I always say I want to be a doctor someday, but I don't really want to be a doctor. I just say that so people will think that I want to be a doctor. I don't really know what I want to do, to tell you the truth. I like being outside, but I don't really know what kinds of jobs there are outside. Farmers are outside a lot, but I don't know anything about farming. I do like tractors, though. Park rangers get to be outside, too, but I think it's not as fun as you might think. They do get cool green cowboy-looking hats, though. Mr. Lincoln, is that why you became President? So you could wear that hat? Sorry, I know that's not the only reason, but I bet it didn't hurt. Do you think all of the best jobs let you wear a cool hat? Maybe I'll be a baseball player. They're outside and they get to wear cool hats. Plus, I already have a cool baseball hat, so that works out pretty good, I guess.
Mr. Lincoln, what's it like being in love? Sometimes I think about having a girlfriend. It seems like it could be nice. But girls can be confusing. Sometimes they're really cool, like Magen, but sometimes Magen acts like she doesn't want to talk to me. It's like, what am I, a snake like Jafar! You really should see Aladdin, Mr. Lincoln. Did you miss your wife after you died? I bet that was hard, being up in heaven while she was still on earth. I bet she missed you a lot. Your death was really sad, it sounds like. That must have been hard for her. But then when she died and you got to be together again, I bet that was great. I have this friend Matt from summer camp, but I don't get to see him during the school year. It's always great when it's summer again, though, because then I get to see Matt again. Is that what it was like for you and Mrs. Lincoln when you were back together? Did you have a cake when she got up there? Is there cake in heaven? I bet there's cake in heaven, there's gotta be. Whenever I'm in an airplane and I look out the windows at the clouds, I wonder if it's like frosting, or maybe ice cream. Are you on clouds? Or do they have sidewalks and stuff in heaven? Magen had a birthday party and she had cake. It was pretty good cake. I think I could love Magen. At least someday, I might.
Mr. Lincoln, can I ask you something? What's four score? I've only ever heard it in that one speech of yours. I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings, but no one says that anymore, Mr. Lincoln. They say it when they talk about your speech, which is pretty good, I guess, but they don't say it other times, I don't think. We got a lot of other good slang words, though. People say "cool" when something is cool. Yeah, people think I'm pretty cool. I'm not like one of the cool kids or nothin, but I'm definitely cool. Sometimes I wear this jacket my mom got me and I put my hat on. It's really cool, I can tell.
Mr. Lincoln, thanks for being the President and stuff. I know it was a hard job, but you did a really good job. I hope I'm kind of like you someday. I don't think I could ever be the President, but I hope I'm important and nice to people like you were. I also hope I'm as tall as you were. I'm not very tall now and I don't know if I will be or not, but that would be cool. As long as I'm still fast, though. I want to be a tall fast guy. That would be pretty cool.
Mr. Lincoln, sometimes I get really bored. I like reading books, but whenever my teacher or my mom make me read, I just get so bored. I can't help it, I just think about rocketships and space monsters and stuff. Mr. Lincoln, do they have Star Wars in heaven? We have Star Wars here. There's a lot of Star Wars. I used to like Star Wars a lot, but now everybody's always talking about Star Wars all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars, but why do we have to talk about it all the time? It kind of almost feels like it feels when my teacher tells me I have to read. I guess that makes it boring or something like that.
Do you miss your office? I bet you had a nice office with lots of good stuff in it. My dad has a big office at work, but he also calls the garage his office. There's not really any office stuff in there, but he likes going in the garage sometimes. We have a refrigerator in the garage. It only has pop and beer in it, but it's a regular size fridge like the one in the house. Sometimes I get scared when I go out there to get a pop because it's dark.
Mr. Lincoln, did you get scared a lot? Or were you not allowed to be scared, cause you were the President? I don't think you can help from getting scared, you know what I mean? I get real scared sometimes. I get scared about death, like I already told you about, but I get scared about other stuff, too. Like what if stuff goes really wrong for everyone someday, you know? I saw this movie called "War of the Worlds" and the earth was getting attacked by space monsters. The monsters were really scary, but I got scared of when people were running all over the place and the earth was all crazy. I also get real scared about my mom and dad dying someday. I hope they never die. I don't think I could do anything without my mom and dad, especially my mom. My mom is a real nice lady and always makes me feel better when I get scared of stuff. She's great, my mom. Mr. Lincoln, I bet your mom was really nice, too. Was she around when you were the President? I bet that would be nice, to have your mom be around while you are the President. That way no matter how scared you get, she can make it better. Then no one will know you got scared in the first place, which is good on the account of you're probably not allowed to be scared when you're the President.
Well Mr. Lincoln, I should probably go. You probably got lots of stuff to do, even though you're a dead guy up in heaven. Thanks for reading my letter. If you ever want to write me a letter back, that would be really cool. But if you don't write me a letter back, that's OK. Do you think Hank would be a good name for a dog? I think Hank is the best dog name. Especially if Hank is your best friend, always following you around and going to baseball practice and stuff. Hank's a brown dog. His tail is so funny sometimes. My mom is making lasagna for dinner tonight. I love lasagna. I'll try and pray for you next time I'm at church, if I can remember. I have a hard time remembering stuff at church. It's just that sometimes church is so boring. Please don't tell God I said that. That's his house, my dad says. Do you ever get to go bowling with God? My Uncle Bob says it's God bowling when it thunders. I get scared when it thunders, but when Uncle Bob says that about bowling, it makes me feel better. Sorry to talk so much about being scared, Mr. Lincoln. Also, I want you to know you do look good in that hat. It's a nice hat, Mr. Lincoln. I don't know when President's Day is, but have a good one!