My New Mobile Home

Home is where the heart is.

After my Papa was eaten by the very same owls who made my Mama their owl queen, I was raised by a band of otters. They were my best friends, my wisest counsel, my family, my otters. Like every young pup though, I eventually had to leave our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den, a den I came to know as home. My most cherished memories and also so many funny funny funny funny things happened in that den. It was like Mr. Bean in an episode of The Simpsons funny, so it was funny but also something I learned a lot from.

Like this one time, Homer became the food critic for the local newspaper, but he abused his power after a while even though he really just loved food, so he became kind of mean with his reviews, which angered all of the restaurant owners, and Lisa was actually the one writing the reviews the whole time so when Homer got greedy and mean she stopped helping so the reviews sucked, so as if that wasn't bad enough for Homer the restaurant owners just got even madder cause his reviews were still mean, so they tried to kill Homer with this poisonous pastry that also had way too much butter for a person to digest in it, but before Homer could eat it, something I can't quite remember happened so he didn't eat the pastry and the lesson was that you should be honest and modest, but with otters.

Or this other time, Mr. Bean was taking this exam, and there was like a few minutes before the exam began, so he was looking around anxiously, then he saw that the guy sharing a table with him had like a few pens laid out for the exam, so Mr. Bean pulled out a few pens and laid them out, then the other guy laid out more pens, so Mr. Bean brought out way too many pens, and the other guy was all done, but then Mr. Bean had like a little clock with hands guy toy that he put on the desk, and he also had a little soft plastic cop kinda guy action figure that he put on the desk, and he also had a Pink Panther action figure that he put on the desk, but the Pink Panther had like a moveable tail, and his tail was between his legs, so it looked like he was standing there with a super huge pink boner, but it wasn't a super huge pink boner it was just his tail sticking through his legs forward, and Mr. Bean was super embarrassed about it, so he fixed the boner so it was just a tail again, and then the exam started, and Mr. Bean was all confident going in because he studied a lot, but then it turns out he had studied exclusively either trigonometry or calculus I can' remember, but the exam was the other one of the two that he didn't study, so he tried to cheat off of the other guy at his table, but that guy didn't let Mr. Bean see his answers, so Mr. Bean dropped his pen under the desk to look at the guy's answers, but the guy blocked him again, so then Mr. Bean flat out grabbed the other guy's answers, but the other guy snagged his answers back, so Mr. Bean was all defeated and cried out "Mommy" then put his head on his hands on the desk, and then we saw the clock, then we saw the clock like 45 minutes later to show that time had passed, then the exam proctor made an announcement where he said that there was like five minutes left and something about if you did the calculus side as opposed to the trigonometry side, so Mr. Bean lifted up his head, then Mr. Bean opened up his exam envelope again, and Mr. Bean found the exam that was the other type of math either trigonometry or calculus I can't remember but it was the one he did study, so he started taking that exam and doing really well, but then believe it or not his pen was dead, so he tried a bunch of the many other pens he brought, and none of those pens worked, so he stole the other guy at his desk's pen, and that guy tried to protest but Mr. Bean didn't care because he had so much test left to take in like probably a minute at that point, then the proctor said that time was up and to stop writing, but Mr. Bean kept writing, so the proctor repeated that everyone had to stop writing but a little more aggressively this time, and Mr. Bean kept writing, so the proctor said quite sternly stop writing, so Mr. Bean looked up as if he wasn't looking at the exam well I guess he wasn't if he was looking up but he was still writing even though he wasn't looking at the exam I know how he did that it was really impressive, so the proctor just yelled at him, so Mr. Bean threw his pen to the side, then that silly alarm clock guy toy went off, and on top of it all Mr. Bean couldn't get the alarm to stop, but with otters.

Also, the Pink Panther action figure didn't have a super huge pink boner in the otter version. Otters just have regular huge pink boners.

Where will I live? I thought as I looked back at our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den. It was the only real underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den I had lived in, the only real underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den I had come to love, the only real underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den I could ever see myself living in.

I mean sure, I had seen other underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company dens like ours, but they definitely weren't nearly as nice or inviting of an underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den as our our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den is.

And that's not to say that there aren't other underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company dens out there that are as nice of an underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den as our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den is, just that it's not the same underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den as our our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den is.

So if you live an an underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den, I'm sure it's a lovely underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den, but you have to understand that your underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den is simply not my underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den. I think that you get that, though, because anyone who lives in an underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den has a certain only-people-who-live-in-an-underwater-casino-anti--steampunk-philanthropic-culinaryish-literary-hot--but--like--just--the--right--amount--of--hot-free-lunches-included-have--a--tv--but--it's--almost--never--on--because--we're--either--doing--something--so-interesting--or--just--enjoying--each--others'--company-den quality that makes them pretty well-rounded and reasonable.

I obviously can't just go back to our underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den, I thought. It would be way too easy.

"Hey, Mac," said Billy the bullfrog from his Chicago blues themed lily pad. He was our neighbor. He was pretty nice, but honestly, after living by him all those years in our den, he's kind of a nosey fuck. "Where are you going?"

"It's time to leave the den. I've got some growing up to do." I said.

"But you haven't grown for years. You're the smallest man in the world, Mac," said Billy.

Jesus Christ this fucking frog fucker sucks, I thought. Nothing against frogs I don't mean this to come across as frogest, it's just that he particularly sucked and I don't know what else to call him besides frog stuff. I'd love to push him off his pad and not even throw him one single Kraft Jet-Puffed Miniature Marshmallow to float on. "I just have to go," I said.

"But where will you go? Where else will you find another underwater casino anti-steampunk philanthropic culinaryish literary hot-but-like-just-the-right-amount-of-hot free lunches included have-a-tv-but-it's-almost-never-on-because-we're-either-doing-something-so-interesting-or-just-enjoying-each-others'-company den like this underwater casino anti-steampunk--"

Before he could finish running his frog mouth, Billy was dead. Major Chip Hazard, the main figure from the movie Small Soldiers, had strangled Billy to death before blowing his own brains out. Chip was next to Billy the whole time but I forgot to mention that because I was so focused on how much Billy sucks. I guess it worked out fine because Chip was a bad guy.

I guess that's what you get for living ON a bachelor pad, I thought. I smiled, excited, and looked around. "Crap, I just thought that awesome pun. I should have said it out loud," I said.

"Well, what was the pun?" asked Todd. Todd was our other neighbor. He's a turtle. He was sitting next to me. I like Todd.

"I thought 'I guess that's what you get for living ON a bachelor pad,' referring to Billy being a frog and how the lily pad was his home and how a lily pad is like a bachelor pad for frogs," I said.

Todd tilted his head side to side, considering. "I don't think that that was that funny, but I honestly also don't think that that was that unfunny. Kind of too soon to make it considering he died like probably fifteen seconds ago, though."

"That's fair," I said. "Hey, Todd, can I crash with you for a while?"

"Yes," said Todd. "I have a margarita machine and I'm headed to Coachella. You can ride with me. But know this: I can't stand music festival girls. So annoying."

So I lived with Todd the turtle in his shell for a while.