Winning comes with no warning.
Twas a beautiful day in the park and I simply was the happiest of little men! "I chance prance about the square!" I sang out loud! I sang it to the toon of Hum Diddly Dum! It went like thees!:
I chance prance about the square!
I chance prance oh hoo I dare!
With a hum dee dee dee doo,
And a hum diddly dee dum too,
This here is my declaration,
Of my feel good celebration!
And other lyrics!
Oh how I was a happy happy boy! Well, the size of a boy, except much smaller! What a great little day for Mac! That's meeeeeee!!!!!
And as if my happy little self of a choo choo train weren't already hoofing and poofing steam full speed ahead on the choo choo track, I remembrant a tasty tasty treat, tucked snug in my wee little satchel!
Twers a fresh bag of Kraft Jet-Puffed Miniature Marshmallows!
This madeth me even happier, so happy that I ejaculated another happy happy song! Twent like theees!:
Elephant, elephant, won't you take my call,
Elephant, elephant, I'm the prettiest prince of all!
Oh did you forget, that today is the day?
When we all sing Elephant! Oh we are gay!
And other lyrics!
So I choo choo chooed and I choo choo chugged back over to the anthropomorphized bench that I asked to watch my leetle bag! He was British!
"Ello govna!" screamed the bench! He really had no volume control!
"Hello my dear good bench! Hazah!"
"Hazah!" said the bench!
"HAZAH!" sayeth me!
"HAAAZZZZAAAAAHHHH!" rackity-bracked the bench!
"HAZAPOH!" I said I said I said!
"IT'S HAPPENING" SAID THE BENCH!
I waved my hands above my head like an inflatable armed man outside a car dealership! Rainbows shot from my fingertips into the sky! Fifteen planes stalled up above!
And with that, the bench had a horrible, horrible seizure. He died right there, yes that bench did die.
As I opened the bag of Kraft Jet-Puffed Miniature Marshmallows, a small flash of gold caught my bag. There, in the bag, was a ticket. A shiny golden ticket.
I opened the ticket. Crimped edges housed a smooth gold inside. Stamped into the center was a message:
Congratulations on this find! Please join me at (REDACTED) this weekend to collect your prize and have your wildest dreams come true. Please call my butler Osmond at (REDACTED) at your earliest convenience and he'll take care of the rest!
I folded the ticket and put it in my pocket. I also redacted the location and number to protect the privacy of those involved. One simply can't be careful enough nowadays what with all those weirdos and crazy people on the internet. I do know the details of the redacted information and can assure you that they were listed on the ticket. Otherwise how else would I have been able to get a hold of Osmond or go to where I went which I'll tell you now?:
No one is as productive in sweatpants as ninjas are. I find that interesting. Whoops, sorry, I suppose you're waiting to hear how my ticket redemption went:
It went pretty well, all things considered. Oh, details. Right. It went like this:
I never saw the episode of Home Improvement where we finally get to see the neighbor guy on the other side of the fence's face. I think about that from time to time...
Now I remember! I didn't see that episode because that was the time I was away on this secret island meeting a lavish rich man to redeem the golden ticket I found in the bag of Kraft Jet-Puffed Miniature Marshmallows. That's a wild story. It goes like this:
"Welcome to the island, Mr. Samson," said Osmond the butler as he held open the door of the private airplane. It was a small, single prop engine plane, only able to fit four people on it. It was the biggest plane I'd been on in my entire life, and I've been on one other plane.
I hopped out and onto the tarmac, apparently at just the right time, for I narrowly missed being pushed by Leroy Doubledown, the fat Texan who also won one of the three golden tickets.
"Wichita... Ten-four... Yippee... Coyote..." I guess Leroy could have said. He didn't say that, but I don't remember what he said, so it'll have to be good enough.
Misty was the last person off the plane. She had bright red hair, wore short jean shorts with red suspenders, and had overly emotive eyebrows which sat on top of her hair, because she's an anime character.
"We didn't talk about it on the plane," conveniently for exposition's sake said Leroy. "I'm a wealthy oil tycoon. What do you do?"
"I train water Pokémon," said Misty.
Close-up of my head, slowly facing the camera. "What a surprise," I said, nailing my lines and really showing how much of an onscreen shining star I am.
"Please, follow me to meet the man of the hour, the richest man in all of New Mexico, which is obviously not where we are now to anyone hearing this story at a later time, the one, the only... Doug."
(Half a page is ripped out)
Looking at Doug as he stood before us in his brilliant officer uniform, it was no surprise that he was the marvel of a man that he was, especially considering the incredible castle I so brilliantly just described.
"Flip flappin' flam flam" said fuckin', uh, what's his name? Leroy. Whatever.
"Don't forget to take the yarn," a badass talking skeleton could have said but he didn't because he wasn't there.
"Sir, your custom edition turbo golf club," said Osmond, handing Doug a driver.
Doug shifted his weight, stared down the ball, wound back, and hit a hole in one from five thousand yards away.
"Adolescence is perpetual in 2015," said Misty.
"Squirtle!" said Bulbasaur. Misty lost Squirtle but honestly who gives a shit.
"Pig slop in my butt crack" said the fucking Doubledown guy to, like, General Patton but with a chicken's face.
"Balk balk ba-galk," fucking whatever.
(Mac reenters the room. )
("Who the hell are you?")
(A gorilla on a skateboard looks up from the computer with a guilty face.)
("Get outta here!" said Mac.)
(The gorilla runs out.)
(The gorilla runs back in. He forgot his skateboard.)
"Delicious roast duck," said Leroy. NOW we're back to the good stuff.
"Are you enjoying it?" asked Doug. He leaned forward, smirked, and drummed his fingers together.
Misty and Leroy exchanged a look. "Yes, of course," said Misty.
"Good!" said Leroy. "For this is the last meal you shall ever have!"
"What?" said Misty, alarmed.
"Yeah, what she said," I said, slouching over in my chair while crossing my arms and turning my hat backwards. So fuckin sweet.
Doug clapped his hands. "It's time, Osmond!" Doug reached under the table, pulled out a small box, opened it, and revealed a large red button. He pressed it.
Holes opened up in the floor beneath Leroy, Misty, and my chairs. We all fell into the holes, fell into darkness.
(There's coffee stains all over the next few pages. What a slob.)
I held my breath so as to hear better, though my heart still pattered away in my chest. One of the dogs sniffed at the base of the tree stump I was hiding inside. He paused.
Please no, I thought.
The dog tilted his head up and howled.
No no no, I thought. Not like this.
The other dogs came to the stump. After a moment, they all continued on, noses to the ground. I let out my breath, relieved.
I peeked my head out of the stump. I was back near the castle finally, but all alone. After what happened to Leroy, Misty, and Bulbasaur, I couldn't believe I was back. I couldn't believe I was alone.
I studied the castle walls. They were forty feet high, solid stone, and a really nice shade of green. I just can't get over how nice that green looked. Doug must have a great designer.
Thwarted from this angle, I climbed out of the stump and scampered to the other side. As I ran around the wall, a break in the base of the bricks caught my eye. A hole! It was only a few inches high and maybe half as wide. Just my size. I scurried into the hole, back into darkness, but this time on my terms.
I fell back onto my butt. I had run into thick glass.
The jar tipped up, righting itself.
Doug peered down at me, smirking that smirky smirk again.
"Well, well, well, looks like Mr. Sneaky has been caught."
"It's Samson," I said.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I thought it was Sneaky! My apologies!"
"That's OK, I guess," I said.
"Anyway, how have you been liking my little game?"
"Honestly," said Doug.
"It's horrible. Leroy, Misty, and Bulbasaur are all dead. I would have been too, had I not just barely dodged the swinging axe, made my way around the lava pit, and evaded the dogs."
"Which one is Bulbasaur again?"
"He's the grass starter Pokémon," I said. "Kind of sucks, no one picks him."
"Right," said Doug.
"Now please, for the love of God, let me out of this jar!"
"OK," said Doug. He then let me out of the jar.
We sat at his kitchen table, eating milk and cookies on a break. "Before you can go, you must play me one more game in order to win your freedom," said Doug.
I raised my finger over my mough. "One second, I'm chewing," I said, mouth full of cookie. I am also eating cookie now, one second.
Cool I'm all done now.
"What is it? What could I possibly have left to prove in to get out of this nightmare?"
Doug got up. He walked his index and middle finger like a little man along the table toward me.
"Oh, nothing you couldn't handle--"
The little man standing between me and Doug wasn't a little man at all, it was just Doug's index and middle fingers! He snatched me up and brought me near his face, near his smirk.
"Please, no!" I said, struggling to try and get free.
"Oh, yes. Very much," said Doug.
I went limp, exhausted.
"Mousetrap!" said Doug.
After a few rounds of the delightful family game for ages 6 on up, Doug won, and the tiny plastic cage fell on to me.
"Trapped again!" I said.
We laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'll never forget Doug and all of the amazing adventures we had. I still think about him whenever I play a game. As I roll the dice, which is so God damn hard to do because I'm the smallest man in the world and a single die is the size of my head, my mind drifts off to Wonderland, from Alice in Wonderland. For I know he's far, far down that rabbit hole, but one day, I hope to get my friend Doug back.