The Chicago Bears are all thumbs.
Bears ILB Danny Trevathan sprained a thumb. It will require surgery. Not season-ending.— Rich Campbell (@Rich_Campbell) September 20, 2016
Or... They're not enough thumbs, then.
Revision: the Chicago Bears are all two left feet.
LB LaMaar Houston suffered a 'significant' knee injury.— Chicago Sports News (@ChiSportUpdates) September 20, 2016
Bears DL Eddie Goldman suffered an ankle sprain.— 670 The Score (@670TheScore) September 20, 2016
Maybe two left feet, but nothing above the ankles.
Re-revision: the Chicago Bears are all no-hands, no-legs.
Early indication is Eddie Goldman may have only suffered high ankle sprain. Looked worse in real time.— Jeff Dickerson (@DickersonESPN) September 20, 2016
At least Eddie Goldman's injury isn't as bad as it seems. You know things are rough when this is some of the only good news from last night's loss to the Eagles. Still, ankle injuries are unreliable and shaky, even more unreliable and shakier than the Bears as a whole, so:
Re-Re-revision: the Chicago Bears' bodies are completely gone and thus the Chicago Bears are legally dead.
This may seem like a very bad, horrible thing--loss of all physical presence for an entire football team--but it's actually great news because: