Kirk Cousins to the 49ers Makes Perfect Cents Because of the Gold

"Kirk Cousins' preferred destination is the San Francisco 49ers if he were to be traded by the Washington Redskins, according to a source close to the quarterback. He loved playing for new 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan when he was the Washington Redskins' offensive coordinator. Shanahan is a detail-oriented coach, which meshes well with Cousins' mind-set." ESPN

Kyle Shanahan, Kyle Shmanonham. Wanting to play for his old offensive coordinator is just a coverup. Everyone knows the real reason why Kirk Cousins wants to play for the 49ers is because of the prospects of gold.

Kirk Cousins is known for several things, like putting up amazing numbers against .500 or worse teams and this quote:

"You like that!? You like that!?"

What most people forget is the question this answer came in response to, which was:

"Kirk: do you like gold?" (When excited Kirk mixes up first person and second person pronouns).

Kirk Cousins loves gold. That's why he would be so happy to make $23.94 million under the franchise tag this year. Why does he love gold? Two reasons. First, gold is shiny, and being from the winter-for-six-months-a-year Barrington Illinois, shiny things are appealing to Kirk, as everything is gray in Barrington. Second, Kirk is sneakily balding, and if he would get to be a gold prospector aka a 49er, he could wear one of those big hats and cover it up. Kirk could also wear a big cowboy hat to cover the hair fade, but until the Texans make an offer, he'll have to be content with a prospector hat.

But if the move doesn't pan out, Kirk will have to be content in Washington this year making more than $1.5 million more than the current total box office for the Academy Award winning movie Moonlight. Because apparently Kirk Cousins' excellence is worth more than the best picture.