"Participants jumping into Lake Michigan waters for this year’s Polar Plunge will be greeted afterwards by none other than Brian Urlacher. The former Chicago Bear will be dishing out free batwursts to participants after they take a dip in frigid Lake Michigan waters. From 9-11 a.m. on March 5, Urlacher will be joining Johnsonville at the 65-foot Big Taste Grill, where he will serve brats to plungers and take photos with fans and Special Olympics athletes. The 17th annual Chicago Polar Plunge begins at 10 a.m. at North Avenue Beach, with the last wave of plungers hitting the water at 11:30 a.m." NBC Chicago
Hey fellow Chicagoans, Hairy Brian Urlacher will be serving hairy brats Sunday the 5th to Polar Plunge participants! Now yes, it's a great cause with the proceeds going to the Special Olympics. And yes, it's an event with nothing but good intentions and it's great it'll be during an actually cold weekend so it's actually Polar. And yes, Brian Urlacher is the man. BUT come on, Brian. They're going to be hairy hair brats. Brats with hair on them. Maybe they'll be warmer than regular bald brats because of the hair, but you went so many years being the man while being bald, so why be hairy now? We loved brats for who they are and we loved you for who you are: a meaty force to be reckoned with. You never needed the hair. And brats don't either. Sure, hairy Brian Urlacher could be serving regular bald brats, but if he went hairy, why would we trust him to not serve hairy brats, too?
Brian. Think of the millions of bald men around the world you inspired with your excellence while bald. Your bald excellence. You gave CPAs and improv comedians alike hope. You gave them excitement. You gave them a bald icon outside of Buddha. But then you took that all away from them when you got hair plugs or whatever the hell the hair restoration services you advertise everywhere now is. I hope the Polar Plunge goes great and everyone raises even more money this year than ever before. But Brian, please, think about going back to bald. Bald can be good. And you made bald great. Perhaps though, Brian, bald made you great in a way, too. Just think about it. Give bald the love that it once gave you. Oh, and also, if there actually is hair on those brats that'd be a pretty good shot at the Packers.
Did you feel obligated to get hair and bail on your fans and legacy because of Clay Matthews? I thought you were better than that, Brian. Hot dogs certainly are.