The Nintendo Switch: May our Hearts and Taints Finally be Set Free
Nintendo used to be THE video game platform that everyone played. From Game Boy to all of their consoles until Nintendo 64, Nintendo was a video game powerhouse. Nintendo's products and franchises were simple, fun, and entertaining. However, when Nintendo released the Wii and then Wii U, its popularity and sales slipped behind Xbox, Playstation, and even some independent developers. Gone was the warm, tingly twilight of Nintendo goodness, replaced by a cold, insensitive advanced-graphics-exclusively-first-person-shooters-with-high-voiced-strangers-over-the-internet badness. After that came the influx of mobile phone games, e-sports, and e-cigarettes, all of which captured a cool douchiness that Nintendo would have never even dreamed could tickle the consumer's tickle-hungry taint.
Nintendo's Sun was no longer a Rising one. Nintendo's Sun was a Setting Sun. With the darkness of Nintendo's night came the end of simple, fun video gaming. It was gone and to be in peril forever, just like Princess Peach--who honestly for the sake of all that is holy and enjoyable has to be the worst heroine of all time. Get your crap together, Princess Peach. You're always in trouble, can never be saved, and don't even try to do anything for yourself. It's frustrating and embarrassing. Princess Peach, who do you even think you are? Nintendo?
Nintendo was dying. Nintendo was becoming dead. Nintendo is no longer dying. Because Nintendo is dead. It is buried in a turtle shell coffin enshrined in banana peels, lost in the ocarinas of time. The world's plumbing overfloweth with the tears of a million overall-clad Italians. There are no stars in they sky above the foxes. What the hell even is Kirby?
The Setting Sun covers the world in darkness.
If only a Switch could turn the light back on.
* * * * *
Presenting: the Nintendo Switch.
If in the absence of Nintendo you were empty-handedly roaming the seeming abyss of creation--experiencing a strange non-electronic wilderness that legend has it our ancestors called "Earth"--with nothing to barrage your oh-so-ticklish taint excluding your cellphone, Pokemon Go, and Donald Trump's internet, your hands no longer have to remain empty. This, you see, is because the Nintendo Switch is not just a stay-at-home video game console. The Nintendo Switch is a take-with-you video game console.
Oh rejoiceth! Yay very good and huzzah! Holy shit balls! Let your cries of gleeful pleasure reach to the heavens above, for the darkness has been cleared by the new Rising Sun that is Nintendo Switch! Our private parts are on fire with the flurry of tingly taint tickling that Nintendo Switch has bestowed upon us, making us all Rise up, too! We're all Rising up so, so hard, Nintendo! We will never be without video games anywhere because we can at last take video games with us everywhere! Let the clogged green pipes be cleared so we may all take a huge, steamy shit once again!
The Nintendo Switch has finally set us all free. Free from the prison that is whatever the hell prison I guess we were apparently in. We may go and pollute what is still pure with more electronics. Whereas we couldn't shit all over the place before now, now we may cover the world with our runny, unoriginal, boring shit. Our taints will be tickled until they explode, letting loose the Princess Peach inside us all. She's always been trying to get out, but only now has Nintendo given her the power to do so do. She and in turn we are finally free. And there's absolutely no way Princess Peach is totally just going to get stuck in some made up fortress again.