NERF Is the Kids Military Industrial Complex
"The NERF Nuke is quite simply the pinnacle of NERF weaponry. Load it with 80 NERF darts and crank the arming mechanism (which is also the trigger button, so be careful). To conserve space, the NERF Nuke uses a reverse-plunger system, which compromises distance for compactness. But hey, it'll still fire the darts up to 30 feet when it hits. However, the NERF Nuke Launcher is a tripod-mounted, direct-plunger system, and can rocket the NERF Nuke itself up to 40 feet - just far enough for you to be outside the blast radius. When you need to end it, and end it fast, there's no other choice than theNERF Nuke!" Think Geek
When I was a kid, NERF technology was similar to that of what the original US revolutionary militias used, except with foam darts. You got one shot, which you had no idea if it would hit or not, then you'd have to put in another dart, pump or pull back an impossible spring, take aim, shoot, pray, and hope your family didn't die of an off-year for crops. You had to get real close to the enemy to hit them and once you were out of darts it was hand to hand combat. It was so much fun and I have so many fond memories of those battles. I used to hide in a pile of leaves , wait until someone would walk right over me, pop out, and shoot them in the back, unsuspected. Call it a sissy tactic but war is war. If I was lucky I'd get a one shot kill, but that was rarely the case. To this day I still don't have feeling in my left arm from a terrible shot in the shoulder. The dart went right through my woolen jacket and into my flesh. I had to strangle that neighborhood kid to death with my handkerchief then hobble home, where my dearest mother pulled out the bullet with forceps then closed the wound with a red-hot iron from the stove. It was brutal, the NERF wars, but it was absolutely worth it, knowing my family has a brighter, safer future. Go ahead and tell me these memories are wrong and that I'm misremembering playing NERF for the actual Revolutionary War. Go ahead and say it, call me a lier. But I'll never forget how it all went down. That's how I lost my best friend, old Johnny Whitesworth. RIP Johnny. RIP.
NERF has come so far since I was a kid. When no one's looking I always go down the toy gun aisle at Target and stuff is so cool now. Bullet belts, infinite darts, side holsters, gattling guns, scopes--it's like actual guns and actual war. So fricken sweet. Also, so preparing the next generation of actual warriors. Also also, it's expensive--like 50 bucks for midrange guns. I don't remember how much NERF guns were when I was a kid, but I feel like there's no way they were that much. It makes sense that it's all that expensive, though, because NERF is just the kids version of the Military Industrial Complex.
https://media.nationalpriorities.org/uploads/publications/discretionary-spending-pie-2015.png
If we as a country spent ballpark 55% of the budget on the military last year, then that's for sure a direct parallel for a kid's budget. Obviously the rest of the sections don't parallel to kids' stuff because most of the remainder goes to Legos and video games, but I think NERF for sure is to kids what the military is to adults. Some people say we gotta cut back on that spending but we all know we won't, because what would actually happen if we did? Same goes for kids. Sure, I might be able to buy more candy, but I also might get creamed by the neighborhood bully if I'm not fully stocked. Hard call, but it's safe to be safe.
A NERF nuke now, on top of it all? Yup, absolutely the kids version of the Military Industrial Complex. Expensive, deadly, other kids are going to call you a cheater and unethical for using it, but you're damn right you need to have one to be taken seriously. If you're a kid and you're really doing it right, you're gonna stockpile thousands of NERF nukes and then make sure none of the other kids have them. It's the only way to survive, really.
While I'm at it, we don't waterboard in adult war anymore, but kids sure as hell do. Remember how brutal roughhousing around the pool would get? It'd start out as fun and games, maybe a little tackle football in the shallow end, but eventually you'd be beating the shit out of each other with noodles or holding some other kid underwater until he'd be almost dead. Then one kid would get the hose out and he'd be just like Rambo on the back of a truck with a .50 cal. War is in us all from birth, it's just way different in the kids version.
John Rambo's got my back 100% on this one: