If You Find A Giant Snake On Your Property, You Have To Move

"Snake-catcher Ross McGibbon was called to the job in Toowoomba, Queensland, on Feb. 20. He marveled at the size of the snake, which he discerned to be the dangerously venomous Eastern Brown species. "Wow what an impressive animal, I had a grin on my face all day after that catch!" He reflected on Facebook. Eastern Browns rank as the second most venomous snake in the world, according to the Australia Zoo. McGibbon said the homeowner did the right thing when he discovered the snake by shutting it in the shed and calling a professional." ABC

Here's how this works, 100% of the time: if you find a gigantic snake anywhere on your property, you have to then move. You can't move next door. You can't move down the block. You have to move somewhere you've never been in your entire life. Otherwise the snake will just come right back to haunt you. Snakes are sick sons of bitches and they want nothing more than to ruin your day. Each and every day. Just ask Adam, Eve, God, and that apple about it. Snakes are jerks. Some people have snakes as pets. Those people are called monsters. They're monsters just like the snakes that they own. It's not my opinion, it's just a fact. Sorry, snake-owners. Also, totally not sorry, you deserve no apology you Slytherin-belonging villains.

The Eastern Brown is the second most venomous snake in the world. It must cost like a million dollars to get this crazy monster (remember snake people aren't people) to come over and remove the snake. Which is two million dollars in Australia, because everything's about twice as much money in Australia, for some reason. Oh yeah, the reason is because it's a terrifying and dangerous place to live. I suppose that's the one exception to the you-have-to-move rule with snakes: you don't have to move if you find a snake on your property in Australia because you get a bunch more money and vacation time there. But you also pay twice as much for everything, so it's not that great of an exception. Makes sense that the exception sucks almost as much as the rule does, because any and everything involving snakes sucks.