I was checking out at the grocery store and everything was great. I had my chips, my dips, a 2 pound bag of turkey, ice cream, two frozen pizzas, and a bag of baby carrots because my body is a temple. Everything was then, as it had always been up to that point, great. Great not just because I'm awesome, which I am, but because the institution that is Kim Kardashian and Kanye West allows everything to be awesome. They are awesome. Awesome as in inspiring and causing complete awe to all of us mere mortal pawns below them lucky enough to witness their greatness.
I then saw all the magazines at the checkout counter and they all said the same thing: Kim and Kanye are getting divorced. I began sweating, my head started spinning, I had tunnel vision. These are common symptoms of a heart attack. We all know this. But I knew it was even more than that... I was having a soul attack.
Kim and Kanye can't be getting divorced, I thought. They are all we all know in this cold, hard world. Without them we are all no longer living, not in the traditional sense of having souls. Souls filled with happiness. Joy. Love. Meaning. No. Nay. Ye. Without Ye and Kim, we are all just empty.
I raced home and googled the alleged divorce. I could feel my body clinging to life. Trying to hold in my soul, my being, my entire purpose. The first result pushed me even closer to loss, to nothingness, to death:
"Once again, rumors are swirling that America's most high-profile celebrity couples may be on the rocks. Reality TV-star Kim Kardashian West and rapper Kanye West have been a couple since 2012, and married in Italy in 2014. They have two children together, daughter North West and son Saint West. Kimye's relationship has always been the subject of plenty of gossip and speculation, but after a series of high-profile Twitter meltdowns and the painfully long and convoluted roll-out of Kanye's new album The Life of Pablo, West's erratic behavior has gossip mags speculating that the two are on the path to splitsville." Yahoo
Sweat beaded my forehead. The temperature in the room was plummeting. Ice formed on the windows. I was dying. I was becoming dead.
"Why have you forsaken me, Ye!?" I said as I continued to become dead. I closed my eyes, focused all of my thoughts on one last attempt to continue existing, mustered up all my fading strength, and googled one more time. Maybe for the last time ever...
*Bump-bump... Bump-bump... Bump...*
*... ... ...*
"Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going strong, despite a report. A story claimed that the reality star and rapper were calling it quits, but Gossip Cop has learned the story is bogus. The article said that Kim told her mom Kris Jenner they were getting divorced after his recent rants and a supposed fight that took place on their recent trip to NYC. A rep exclusively tells Gossip Cop that the story is false." Extra TV
I live another day. There will be another day. Kim and Kanye stay together another day. All is well. I have... a soul.
Just like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West do. Right?