We've Finally Found A Way to Control Seagulls: Tunas

I do not like seagulls. I do not respect seagulls. They're everywhere. They're loud. They're cocky. They snag bread from the sky like it's their day job. Their job is to snag bread from the sky. They have mean, beady eyes. They're not even funny to see like pigeons, who I also do not respect. Worst of all, seagulls get to go to baseball games whenever they want and even get on the field. They are bread and baseball thieves. Yet no one does anything about them. Seagulls never get ejected from games, unlike the benevolent streaker, who is never allowed to go on the field, even if he too is just trying to get some crumbs, which we all know is all any streaker ever wants.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating we kill seagulls, because it's not like they're pure evil. However, I've always wished there were some way to take them down a few pegs. Well, we've finally got it. We've finally found our ally in the battle against seagulls.

The tunas.

Tunas are the chickens of the sea. You know who probably hates seagulls? The chickens. But you know who we never hear about when it comes to seagulls? The chickens. The tunas aren't just our allies, then, they're also the chickens' allies. Nothing ever before has rattled a seagull's inflated ego as much as the tunas. Imagine being a seagull, all rude and cocky, then all of a sudden it's dark, wet, and you're zooming around. Before you can even squawk the word "bread," you're floating back to the surface--you were underwater!?!?--then you get to that sweet, sweet air and you're not dead. You think you're going to be the jerk seagull you've always been at that point? No way. You're going to be a changed bird.

Good on you, tunas. Thanks for getting our backs. We're totally still going to eat you all the time, but now we know that you do good for us always, all the time, not just in our bellies. Hashtag team tunas. T4L: tunas for life. Thanks for the tunas.