Imagine the Relief of Having a 140 Pound Tumor Removed

"SAINT CLAIR, Pa. -- For years, a Pennsylvania woman tried to shed excess weight using every method possible. As Mary Clancey of Saint Clair tipped the scales at more than 350 pounds, she finally discovered it wasn't fat but a tumor the size of a person. Clancey is half the woman she used to be now that the 140-pound cyst has been surgically removed. All along, she thought it was just the way she was meant to get old until the shock of her life back in November. Clancey still can't get over the way she lost nearly 200 pounds in one day. She struggled with her weight for the better part of two decades trying one thing after another." WGN

I would have linked to the video but there's some crazy stuff in it and then made the mistake of googling tumor and now I'll never look at life the same, so my funny intro will be that Saint Clair is in Schuylkill County, which admittedly sounds funnier than it reads. Anyway, if you can watch the video because that sort of insane thing interests you, look at the size of that bad boy this poor woman had in her. She looks great now, but one can only imagine what the wild process was like--thinking you're perpetually overweight for years, trying all weight loss methods, giving up on losing weight, finding out it's a tumor, having the tumor removed, and finally, being a healthy, happy weight. Woh! If I were a dad I would say that this is what I go through every morning before taking the world's biggest poop, but I'm not a dad, so I'll just have to leave that be knowing I will say that in 5-15 years. Being so, I'm not saying this is comparable to taking a huge dump, but considering the relief one experiences after letting out a giant brown bear that's been hibernating in the back den for too long, imagine how good it must feel to get a 140 pound tumor out with an additional 60 pounds of who knows what. Good for her. I bet afterwards she immediately texted a picture of it to all her buddies with the caption "biggest ever!?!?"

Finally, now she is left with all these gigantic clothes that no longer fit. Subway needs to come after her for sponsorship right away. I mean, if we could all believe the lie that Jared lost all that weight with just sandwiches and lifestyle changes, we can certainly support Subway lying about Ms. Clancey doing it. At least it would be going to a good cause. Also, we could all forgive the lie because her weight came from a tumor, not from let's just say other extracurricular activities. By the way, if you read up on it, Jared Fogle got his ass kicked in jail by another inmate. That's why they call it the Justice System.