The Cincinnati Rule: Why Vontaze Burfict's Suspension Was Upheld

"Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict's three-game suspension was upheld by appeals officer Derrick Brooks, sources tell ESPN's Da Graziano."

That's the hit right there that Vontaze Burfict got suspended for. Obviously the Bengals pulled a Cincinnati and Cincinnatied themselves at that point, which here forward is the term to be used when describing chronic screwing yourself over and losing. The hit is pretty flagrant and on top of that the NFL is doing a ton to crack down on anything that involves head contact nowadays, especially when it involves a player leading with the head. Plus Antonio Brown was concussed and missed the following game, which although I don't really know if it factored into the suspension probably did. All of this combined with how on the radar Vontaze Burfict is for his other many penalties and fines makes it seem pretty clear why his three-game suspension was upheld.

However, that's not what the suspension being upheld comes down to. First, as far as meeting with the NFL to discuss rulings goes, it's like the God damn Wild West. Old retired-prospector turned Sherif Rogey Rogeman Goodell's eyes are going bad on him, but as long as you can wet his whistle with a little bit of whiskey, he'll get right on the good side of you and your boots! But hold your literal horses right there, because you never know when he's re-shined his badge and decided to lay down a little bit of the law as he sees it. Shady evidence on ball inflation levels, which we don't even know how much affects gameplay in the first place? Rogey's feelin real horny to be a big boy today... Four-game suspension! Ndamukong Suh's trying to murder players and ruin franchises Willy Nilly right before all our eyes? Hell, the name Suh reminds Rogey of his first love, so he's gonna let Ndamukong go! Just like Rogey let his first love go, Sue! Which is also what he would yell out to get her attention! Suh to bring in Sue the shiny pink pig. She was the perdiest, fattest pig Rogey Goodell ever did make love to. Well, excluding the fat piggy bank of profit he's currently balls-deep in.

The real reason Vontaze Burfict's suspension was upheld is because of the Cincinnati Rule: outside of the regular season, nothing goes right for the Cincinnati Bengals. Post-season, off-season, pre-season--none of it ever works out. Tons of players getting arrested for off-field misconduct, Marvin Lewis going 0-7, Dandy Andy's suitcases bouncing all over the interstate, and now Vontaze Burfict trying an in-person appeal of his suspension. Cincinnati is cursed outside of the regular season and so 10 times out of 10 things end poorly for them. Even the Cincinnati Rule's timeframe is starting to change, given Andy Dalton breaking his thumb this year during the regular season. The Cincinnati Rule is a very real rule and everyone is aware of it. Not even Pete Rose would bet on the Bengals.