Surfer Proves That The Ocean Just Wants to Kill Us All

Look, I've only been to the ocean twice in my whole life. Yeah yeah I'm a silly Midwesterner and it must be because I'm afraid of the big civilized world out there blagh blagh whatever. I hear it all the time. But you know what? I'm still alive. Super alive. I've had four cups of coffee today and I'm just getting started. That makes me like twice as alive as dead people. I know dead people are technically zero alive and if you multiply anything by zero it's just zero. I don't know the way around that but you know exactly what I mean. You catch my drift.

Unlike the guy in this video. He does not catch my drift. My sweet, safe, dry, land-drift. He instead catches a murderous wall of ocean water's drift. Guess what, guy. Guess what, buddy. Guess what, friend. The wave let you catch its drift. Only until it knew you were in the right place so it could go from a nice sine wave:

Source: http://www.electroschematics.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/SINE-WAVE.png

To one of those inevitable roll-over cliffhanging waves:

Source: http://www.birdinginformation.com/wp-content/gallery/mallard_duck/mallard-duck-17a.jpg

Yes that's a duck's ass, but the duck curl feather is the exact shape monster waves make. It's just the perfect visual representation.

So why do all of these rad dudes keep going after these killer waterworks? It's just this guy dropping in on this one, him and all of the kayakers at the beginning who go out of sight on the back end of the wave--they're all super dead, probably. Like no coffee dead. Then this guy immediately falls from the top down the alleged 40 feet right onto his back. Don't forget that if you fall into water from high enough up it is like falling onto concrete, given your velocity and the water's surface tension and other super nerdy stuff. Anyway I presume this guy was never found. The whole giant wave just waterfalls all over him and the weirdos chilling on the jetskis don't even make an effort to find him. Probably because Poseidon himself caught this hella bro from underneath the water and took him to spend the rest of his life with the seapeople, which are the demon offspring from mermaids mating with sea monkeys.

Just stay out of the ocean. Always. It wants to kill us all. It's not that hard to understand and it's not that hard to avoid. You can go anywhere on land, and then as soon as that comes to the ocean, stop where the land meets the ocean. It's a great rule of thumb. You can cast your fishing pole from the line, make sandcastles near the line, play volleyball near the line, it's all good. Just don't go in there. Cause you won't come out. We cannot guarantee it. It's a two way street, too--you know when whales and sharks wash up on the beach? It's because they crossed the line. Ride the line, just don't cross it, or you'll drown/suffocate. People and fish alike.

And if you really are just totally hungry for some waves, go right to that line and just watch them. Or, better yet, stay on land in your sweet crop-producing region of the world and watch this:

Non-pool water is not the place for us to be in. Never is.*

*Lakes and freshwater are totally the place for us to be.