Survivalist "Preppers" Will Be The First To Go In An Apocalypse

"With increasing headlines of “doomsday” scenarios, more people are preparing for the worst.  Chicago groups have popped up training people how to survive any emergency. Waysun Johnny Tsai, who leads the C.U.M.A Survival School says, “I see a lot of new people, a lot of beginners but now it’s very popular because of a lot of panic and fear that social media creates.” Although the CUMA training focuses on extreme emergencies, he is urging people to develop at least a basic emergency plan." WGN

Woodsmen, farmers, engineers, ex-Boy Scouts who've already survived that stuff... There's a lot of people in this country who would be OK in a real, large-scale emergency. I hate to say "apocalypse" because people get real excited about zombie, vampire, and virus plots nowadays, but for the sake of what these "Preppers" are prepping for, let's call it an apocalypse. If some sort of apocalypse happened, the Preppers would be the first to go.

First, these eager beavers are so excited to brag about what they think they're learning when they pay to get some silly training in the park on a Saturday morning from a guy with earrings and jacket patches. They think this makes them real people of the wild and they're stoked about it. They think this training is the same as what soldiers or mountain men get, which it is sooooo not even close. However, they're convinced it is the same, which is why they're probably telling all their other ferret-owning friends about it all the time. So, when an apocalypse hits, they're gonna rush right out to try and make a shoebox fire or eat some brown ground berries, which they'll say isn't shit, even though it is. They'll make a basic mistake right away and die either on the spot or slowly, painfully, expectedly.

Second, these Preppers think there will be zombies. They might not be aware of it, but there is no such thing as zombies. There might be zombies in comic books and video games, but what the Preppers don't understand is that even though their worlds are comic books and video games, the real world is not. Therefore there aren't zombies in the real world. People who think there will be zombies will get killed super fast and super embarrassingly. In an apocalypse situation, they will eventually try to engage someone in combat, believing them to be infected. Said suspected infected person will see that they're being attacked by a dork; have a moment where they think 'What is this sad person doing to my arm--oh wait they're kind of hitting me, I guess, even though they're also struggling to lift that shovel off the ground'; engage the struggling dork; and either fatally injure or give the dork a heart attack. That or if there are actual zombies, which again, there won't be, the zombies will overcome the Prepper with tremendous ease.

Third, their names are the Preppers. I can't type or read that without trying to make it "peppers." The only threatening peppers is Julius Peppers. Any Prepper is on the complete opposite end of the toughness spectrum as Julius Peppers. As a result, whereas Julius Peppers will be OK, the Preppers will not be OK. I'm willing to go so far as saying "Preppers" is one of the worst, least-tough names this group could possibly give themselves. It's worse than people who dress up in big animal costumes calling themselves "Furries." Actually, Furries might have a better chance of surviving the apocalypse than Preppers, because people might feel bad for Furries and leave them be. Except for the crossover people who are technically both Furries and Preppers, which might be a significant portion of Preppers. Those people will be super duper dead.

Fourth, and this one is probably the most key, look at these guys. Case and point. It's like a crew of Dwight Schrutes running around but they're some sort of anti-Schrutes, because Schrutes would obviously be leading the real survivors in the event of an apocalypse. We all know that.

Is this all harsh and unwarranted? No. It's the truth. If these guys are really that set on being ready to survive an apocalypse, they need to know where they honestly stand. Preppers: you aren't even standing. You're lying down in the dirt. Get up while you still have time before you're buried in the dirt.

While I'm up here looking down, I also need to say that there's no chance I'm dying in an apocalypse or Purge sort of situation. I'm too disinterested in standing out in an emergency and have spent too much actual time in the woods to be realistically threatened. I've seen Jeremiah Johnson too many times to not have a 100% survival rate. It's like a game seven situation, score's tied, one second on the clock, and you pass the ball to Jordan. Except he's not there because Jordan's long-left the arena, knowing an apocalypse is about to hit. I'm Jordan in that situation. Jumpman flying all the way out of dodge.