ABC "Fire officials in Centralia, Wash. say a resident sparked a small fire in an apartment while trying to kill cockroaches with a homemade flamethrower. KOMO-TV reports that fire crews were called to the apartment on Monday morning after receiving a report of a commercial structure fire. By the time firefighters arrived, the resident had extinguished the flames. No one was injured. A preliminary investigation found that the resident was using bug spray and a lighter to create a flamethrower for killing cockroaches. That sparked the fire. It's not clear whether any cockroaches were actually killed in the process."
Cockroaches. They can't be stopped and they're always there, even if you don't notice them. Just like Carson Daly. Everyone knows that cockroaches are invincible. They say the only two things that would survive a nuclear fallout are cockroaches and Twinkies. That's why cockroach vs. Twinkie will be the pay-per-view matchup of the century. My money is on cockroach because cockroach can simply eat Twinkie. However, if the Twinkie cowboy guy from the box--who appears to be a living, cartoon Twinkie riding a dead, non-cartoon Twinkie, which is both confusing and a little messed up--is involved, my money is on Twinkie via Twinkie cowboy guy. Cockroaches are invincible and no one can beat them. However, the matchup cockroach vs. Twinkie is so compelling because the same is true for cowboys. They're invincible and no one can beat them. Except for the Dallas Cowboys, who give a bad name to cowboys everywhere.
First off, flamethrower is a pretty generous term for a flame created with bug spray and a lighter. About 95% of boys have tried this at some point in our--I MEAN THEIR life and I don't think a one of us would call it a flamethrower. That's the intention and the ideal, but it simply isn't such. Flamethrowers are awesome and super sweet. If you don't wear it on your back like a jetpack, it's just not a flamethrower. This is more like the flame equivalent of a water gun. A fire gun, if you will. Oh, wait, a flamethrower is kind of like a fire gun... That means bug spray and a lighter is a flamethrower, ipso facto. Very cool.
This begs the question: are all aerosol bug sprays actually meant to be used as flamethrowers? Sure, Raid and other contact-killer bug sprays shoot out a refined stream that is meant to kill on contact. However, that's technically chemical warfare, which--last time I checked--is illegal according to the Geneva Convention. And I haven't checked that in a while. Ever, in fact. So, since those cans are sold legally but using them as such is illegal, does that mean that the cans are actually meant to be fuel for flame to actually kill the bugs? Flamethrowers aren't chemical warfare, so therefore they aren't illegal in that capacity. Plus, flamethrower is a powerful Pokemon move, so then it surely must be OK, because nothing in video games is ever illegal or wrong or a bad example.
<Insert picture of Grand Theft Auto here>
Based on these examples and this incredibly sound logic, that must mean that all aerosol bug sprays are meant to be used as flamethrowers. That means when you're a boy in the backyard by the burn pit trying out different aerosol cans as flamethrowers you're totally right in always having your Super Soaker on hand, too. Having a Super Soaker around all the time is just smart from a safety perspective. And from a fun one, too.
Boy, what great news for boys everywhere, and just in time for the final months of summer.