Tough Child Falls Out of Moving Van In China

"CHINA -- It looks like a nightmare in the making, caught on video — a dashcam shows the tiny figure of a child tumbling from the back of a moving minivan onto the unyielding pavement of a bustling thoroughfare in China." WGN

Holy tamole is that terrifying. I've watched the moment the door opens up and the kid plops out like 10 times and I just can't believe it. How did this happen, regarding both the kid actually falling out and also being OK despite landing on a road in traffic? There are so many aspects of this that are unbelievable. It all seems to point to how tough children are. I think about some of the falls and hits to the head I took as a toddler and how they would absolutely wreck me now as an adult, and I'm still in my "prime" years on top of that. Kids really are tough. If they weren't crying all the time, I would consider toddlers and old babies the toughest people in society. Instead that distinction is reserved for middle-schoolers who either walk to school or wait for the bus in the middle of single digit temperature winters in only a zip-up cotton hoodie. Those kids are the toughest. It's amazing how children can respond to complete parental disregard.

On a side note, this video has the most CNN music possible. If it's not that trumpety "breaking news" music they play on most every video, because they label EVERYTHING as breaking news, it's this kind of music. They are undoubtedly a reliable news network if you're relying on musical and stylistic consistency.

Rat Trying to Get Into Chicago Urgent Care Obviously Has An Important Reason

WGN

This is no normal rat. I don't mean he's not normal just because of his astounding persistence. I mean he's not normal because this rat obviously has something important going on. He's trying with all his might to get into an urgent care center. Is it because he's sick? Is it because he has a sick lover in there? Is it because the urgent care center has a bunch of scrumptious crumbs in there? Is it because this rat is snooping for some guy trying to get someone else's secret test results? All good questions, all very realistic possibilities. However, none are correct.

The real reason this rat is trying so desperately do get in there is because he is a doctor rat. No, not a rat doctor. That's a job for crazy people or really, really unsuccessful veterinarians. This rat is a doctor rat. That's clearly the only reason he'd take a barrage of broom, door, and leg blocks yet still keep trying to get in there. He's just a good-guy rat with intentions of helping sick people out no matter what. He knows his duty and he won't let anyone stop him. Even by the end of the video when the door is closed and he's stuck outside, this doctor rat is searching for a way in.

Most people would be disgusted or frightened seeing a rat try so hard to get into a medical care facility. We should not look at it this way. We should instead be inspired. Inspired to care this much. Inspired to care this urgently. Inspired to find our own version of this urgent care place. Inspired to dedicate our entire beings to getting through the literal door to our dreams. Inspired to be whatever it is that is our own doctor rat. Especially the next generation of other doctors, most likely doctor humans (and yes some doctor horses, too). Doctor rat, thank you for inspiring us. Thank you for your exceptional example. Thank you for being a model American.

Finally, to whomever is keeping this rat out: shame on you. Let the doctor rat in. He's a doctor, for crying out loud. If you keep him out, people might die. Also, he won't be able to pay his medical school bills which is probably the actual reason he's willing to risk his life to go to work. 

Good News, Bad News, Chicago. Warm Temps, Homicides

Good news, bad news, Chicago. Good news like black labs are cute, bad news like this bunny rabbit could now star in The Headless Horseman.

The good news first: it's super nice out. This weekend was gorgeous, preposterously enjoyable. It doesn't even seem like February. It's so nice out and everyone's utilizing the outdoors. Chicago is bustling with activity. The warmth isn't just good, it's a record:

"Temperatures on Sunday reached into the 60s in the Chicago area, breaking record highs and continuing our unseasonably warm winter." WLS

Wait, actually maybe the warm temperatures are kind of bad news. Not even just considering all this climate change business. Maybe that potentially bad news begets some really bad news... People are getting a little wild in the Windy City with all this warmth. Real active. A little too much activity:

"The city has seen more than twice as many homicides this February than [a] year ago. The Chicago Tribune is reporting there have been 102 murders so far this year, while the police say the number is 95." WGN

Holy crap is this distressing. What is going on in Chicago? It's horrifying thinking about the future of this city considering the present is terrifying. Whether you look at the warm temps as good news or bad news, the doubling of homicides is for sure bad news. You know what, let's call it awful news. It's awful news.

PHEW Kim and Kanye Aren't Getting Divorced

I was checking out at the grocery store and everything was great. I had my chips, my dips, a 2 pound bag of turkey, ice cream, two frozen pizzas, and a bag of baby carrots because my body is a temple. Everything was then, as it had always been up to that point, great. Great not just because I'm awesome, which I am, but because the institution that is Kim Kardashian and Kanye West allows everything to be awesome. They are awesome. Awesome as in inspiring and causing complete awe to all of us mere mortal pawns below them lucky enough to witness their greatness.

I then saw all the magazines at the checkout counter and they all said the same thing: Kim and Kanye are getting divorced. I began sweating, my head started spinning, I had tunnel vision. These are common symptoms of a heart attack. We all know this. But I knew it was even more than that... I was having a soul attack.

Kim and Kanye can't be getting divorced, I thought. They are all we all know in this cold, hard world. Without them we are all no longer living, not in the traditional sense of having souls. Souls filled with happiness. Joy. Love. Meaning. No. Nay. Ye. Without Ye and Kim, we are all just empty.

I raced home and googled the alleged divorce. I could feel my body clinging to life. Trying to hold in my soul, my being, my entire purpose. The first result pushed me even closer to loss, to nothingness, to death:

"Once again, rumors are swirling that America's most high-profile celebrity couples may be on the rocks. Reality TV-star Kim Kardashian West and rapper Kanye West have been a couple since 2012, and married in Italy in 2014. They have two children together, daughter North West and son Saint West.  Kimye's relationship has always been the subject of plenty of gossip and speculation, but after a series of high-profile Twitter meltdowns and the painfully long and convoluted roll-out of Kanye's new album The Life of Pablo, West's erratic behavior has gossip mags speculating that the two are on the path to splitsville." Yahoo

Sweat beaded my forehead. The temperature in the room was plummeting. Ice formed on the windows. I was dying. I was becoming dead.

"Why have you forsaken me, Ye!?" I said as I continued to become dead. I closed my eyes, focused all of my thoughts on one last attempt to continue existing, mustered up all my fading strength, and googled one more time. Maybe for the last time ever...

*Bump-bump... Bump-bump... Bump...*

Page loading...

*...-bump...*

19,400,000 results...

*... Bum...*

*...*

*... ... ...*

"Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are going strong, despite a report. A story claimed that the reality star and rapper were calling it quits, but Gossip Cop has learned the story is bogus. The article said that Kim told her mom Kris Jenner they were getting divorced after his recent rants and a supposed fight that took place on their recent trip to NYC. A rep exclusively tells Gossip Cop that the story is false." Extra TV

I live another day. There will be another day. Kim and Kanye stay together another day. All is well. I have... a soul.

Just like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West do. Right? 

If You Find A Giant Snake On Your Property, You Have To Move

"Snake-catcher Ross McGibbon was called to the job in Toowoomba, Queensland, on Feb. 20. He marveled at the size of the snake, which he discerned to be the dangerously venomous Eastern Brown species. "Wow what an impressive animal, I had a grin on my face all day after that catch!" He reflected on Facebook. Eastern Browns rank as the second most venomous snake in the world, according to the Australia Zoo. McGibbon said the homeowner did the right thing when he discovered the snake by shutting it in the shed and calling a professional." ABC

Here's how this works, 100% of the time: if you find a gigantic snake anywhere on your property, you have to then move. You can't move next door. You can't move down the block. You have to move somewhere you've never been in your entire life. Otherwise the snake will just come right back to haunt you. Snakes are sick sons of bitches and they want nothing more than to ruin your day. Each and every day. Just ask Adam, Eve, God, and that apple about it. Snakes are jerks. Some people have snakes as pets. Those people are called monsters. They're monsters just like the snakes that they own. It's not my opinion, it's just a fact. Sorry, snake-owners. Also, totally not sorry, you deserve no apology you Slytherin-belonging villains.

The Eastern Brown is the second most venomous snake in the world. It must cost like a million dollars to get this crazy monster (remember snake people aren't people) to come over and remove the snake. Which is two million dollars in Australia, because everything's about twice as much money in Australia, for some reason. Oh yeah, the reason is because it's a terrifying and dangerous place to live. I suppose that's the one exception to the you-have-to-move rule with snakes: you don't have to move if you find a snake on your property in Australia because you get a bunch more money and vacation time there. But you also pay twice as much for everything, so it's not that great of an exception. Makes sense that the exception sucks almost as much as the rule does, because any and everything involving snakes sucks.

Chris Christie Endorsing Trump Readies the Romney Hail Mary

"Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey endorsed Donald J. Trump on Friday, a major turn in a wild race and one that gives the New York businessman a significant boost as he heads into the pivotal “Super Tuesday” contests. Mr. Christie was a candidate for president himself until he came in sixth place in New Hampshire’s primary. Seeing his political career facing an abrupt conclusion after his failed presidential campaign, he expressed his anger Friday at Senator Marco Rubio, whom he was said to be upset with, blaming the “super PAC” backing the Florida senator for halting his momentum in New Hampshire with a string of slash-and-burn ads." NY Times

Chris Christie endorses The Donald for President. Everyone's talking about how surprising and big this news is, that it's maybe even Christie-sized news. They're saying the race is over and Trump will surely be the GOP candidate now, if he wasn't already. Delegates and votes locked up, all headed into Super Tuesday. It's all done now and Trump can have an over-cooked victory steak.

It's not that big or surprising news. The timing is big, just because no one else is endorsing anyone right now. Also, it is right before Super Tuesday and the day after a pretty definitive GOP debate. Other than that, though, it's not surprising. Who did people think Chris Christie was going to back up? He hates Rubio. He hates Ted Cruz. I don't know how he feels about Kasich. Ben Carson is still waiting to talk about stuff. Of the remaining five guys, Christie was bound to endorse Trump. It was either him or the actual Five Guys.

http://blog.al.com/breaking/2009/06/large_fiveguys.JPG

What people forget, though, is the Establishment hates Donald Trump. They hate him as much as Chris Christie hates Rubio, which is a lot. The Establishment also hates Ted Cruz. The two real GOP guys are Rubio and Kasich. Rubio appears to be the poster boy, but he's not really getting it done, obviously--that's why Trump is crushing the polls. Similarly, although he's done OK relatively speaking, Kasich isn't buzzing at all. It's super late in the game so no matter how much damage Rubio and Kasich can do or how much momentum they can get going, it seems it's too late for it to be enough. Trump is the most popular Republican candidate.

But what if the GOP somehow won't give him the endorsement?

Chris Christie's endorsing Trump lights another fire beside's The Donald's: Mitt Romney's. It's outlandish and a long-shot, but I think Mitt Romney is still an option from the shadows. We know the GOP loves him and that most all Republicans do, too. Also, he's not that deep into the shadows. He's being talked about by some political analysts (admittedly completely in the long-shot category) and also talking about Trump himself:

""I think we have good reason to believe that there's a bombshell in Donald Trump's taxes. I think there is something there," Mitt Romney told Fox news on Wednesday. This is because, he said, every time Mr Trump is asked about his taxes "he dodges and delays". "We could find he doesn't have anywhere near as much income as we might think he would have with a $10 billion net worth, or he doesn't pay any taxes or he pays very, very low taxes," Mr Romney added." BBC

It's obviously not like Romney's comments are like and anti-endorsement of some sort, but it does show he's keeping tabs on what's going on. There's no reason for him not to be keeping up with politics, but I think his speaking up shows he too, like the party itself, doesn't support Trump. Also, how much of a power move is it for one tremendously rich guy to say another rich guy maybe isn't that rich? Powerful indeed, especially in regards to deciding who should potentially get Presidential power.

So why not consider him a last-chance for the Republican Party? If the shit keeps hitting their fan like it is, trying to get Mitt Romney elected (which he has both the money and organization to make an actual possibility, unlike everyone else in the world, excluding Bloomberg) seems more than just any old Hail Mary.

Mitt Romney seems like the Republican Party's Aaron Rodgers' Hail Mary:

http://static1.squarespace.com/static/52e8433be4b06de619de295b/t/531f0f5fe4b089910ebcd9ca/1394544480481/

Wait, Riff Raff Is Jacked Now!? Wait, Riff Raff is becoming A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER!?!?!?

I was thinking about incredible musicians last night and I realized that I hadn't checked up on Riff Raff for a while. It was then that I learned two shocking things. First, I wasn't following Riff Raff on either Twitter or Instagram, which is downright wrong and I'm so disappointed in myself for it. Two, and more importantly, Riff Raff is JACKED now.

JUST GOT BACK HOME TO LAS VEGAS AND EVERYONE iS MAD BECUZ iM STiLL 242 POUNDS OF MAJESTiC MOUNTAiN LiON

A photo posted by RiFF RaFF JODY HiGHROLLER (@jodyhighroller) on Feb 15, 2016 at 2:37pm PST

Absolutely yoked.

SCUPLTiNG THE VERSACE GUNS AND STAYiNG iN PEAK PHYSiCAL PERFORMANCE SHAPE AT 235 OF PURE MUSCLE MASS AND ANY DUDE WHO COMMENTS ANYTHiNG NEGATiVE TOWARDS ME THEN YOU MASSAGE YOUR GRANDFATHERS CRUSTY iNNER THiGHS WiTH YOUR FACE AND YOUR TONGUE OUT AND YOUR MOM CHEERS YOU ON AND YOUR DAD iS EATiNG SHiT STiCKS THAT DROP OUT OF YOUR BUTT MEANWHiLE YOUR GRANNY RECORDS iT FOR HER SNACK CHAT .... SO YEAH ... THAT

A photo posted by RiFF RaFF JODY HiGHROLLER (@jodyhighroller) on Oct 28, 2015 at 3:04pm PDT

This is such a fantastic and unforeseen development. How could I miss out on this? How is this not what everyone's been talking about constantly? Why is it not all over the news that one of the best rappers in the entire game is also a buff dude now? Oh man is this exciting and important. Just when I thought my investment in Riff Raff couldn't be any more valuable, it doubles, just like that. We are all very rich from Riff Raff. 

I know I'm late to learning about this amazing development, but it gets WAY BETTER. There's even more precious treasure on Riff Raff island than I could have ever imagined:

"Forget the "Riff" and on with the ripped! Rapper Riff Raff took to his Twitter on Wednesday, Jan. 28, to proudly unveil his weight gain of a whopping 55 pounds. The added pounds, however, have been an intentional process for the jacked artist. Riff Raff (who famously inspired James Franco's character in Spring Breakers) recently announced that he has been training with Hulk Hogan to pursue a professional wrestling career. Last fall, Riff Raff, 33, told his Instagram fans that he was starting a "VERSACE STRENGTH TRAINING" session to shape up, and part of his routine included abstaining from all alcohol and drugs for 100 days." US Magazine

(Quick side note: let it be known that I considered referring to him as Ripped Raff before finding this article and regardless, will still call him by his God-given name, Riff Raff.)

RIFF RAFF IS TRAINING TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER. Words can't describe how important for these United States this development is. It completely changes my world. No, it completely changes the actual world. Yes, obviously there's some stuff to be said about what Hulk Hogan has said of recent, but hey, that's not what this is about. It's about the man, Riff Raff. It's about bringing one of the best entertainers in the world into the forefront of cultural entertainment: professional wrestling. I'm so, so excited and just can't wait for this to all fall into place. Riff Raff's made the future brighter than ever.

Finally, let's not forget about this:

BE RiFF RAFF & KATY PERRY FOR VERSACE HALLOWEEN

A photo posted by RiFF RaFF JODY HiGHROLLER (@jodyhighroller) on Oct 8, 2015 at 10:19pm PDT

or this:

JUST LOOKiNG AT THiS PiCTURE AND SEEiNG HOW HAPPY MiCHAEL JACKSON WAS BRiNGS TEARS TO MY EYES, YOU HAVE TO ENJOY THE NEON ViBES OF LiFE DONT BE CONFUSED BY SOCiETY TRYiNG TO DRAG YOU DOWN WiTH THEiR HARSH RULES AND REGULATiONS, DONT LET THEM TAiNT YOUR GREATNESS

A photo posted by RiFF RaFF JODY HiGHROLLER (@jodyhighroller) on Nov 8, 2015 at 11:11am PST

Katy Perry, Michael Jordan, and Michael Jackson. The holy trifecta of American excellence. Riff Raff makes it a quadfecta, but throw in his coming professional wrestling career and you get something entirely different, even more glorious. Are we talking about the Holy Quinfecta?

No. We're talking about an entirely different religion. The faith of the swoll rapping hero. The First Church of Riff Raff. 

Happy Birthday Joakim Noah!

On this day 31 years ago a beautiful French-Swedish baby was born an American citizen in New York City. Both he and his hair started growing at that moment and haven't stopped since. Joakim, that beautiful baby-turned-man is you. Hope you have a great day and a speedy recovery on your shoulder. It might have come out of place but you never will be. You will always belong in Chicago.

PS you're still about 4 and a 1/2 years younger than Pau, in case you were wondering.

As a birthday present, here's a sort of narrative of why you're so awesome and why I love you:

http://gonetworth.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/joakim-noah-net-worth2.jpg

http://static.socialitelife.com/uploads/2012/02/24/joakim-noah-shirtless-st-barts-02242012-05-675x900.jpg

https://brittanymarques.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/nba_g_noah_d1_576.jpg?w=518&h=292

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5009/411/1600/jonoahparty.jpg

Scalia Died Amongst Buddies In A Historic Hunting Society

"When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died 11 days ago at a West Texas ranch, he was among high-ranking members of an exclusive fraternity for hunters called the International Order of St. Hubertus, an Austrian society that dates back to the 1600s. After Scalia’s death Feb. 13, the names of the 35 other guests at the remote resort, along with details about Scalia’s connection to the hunters, have remained largely unknown. A review of public records shows that some of the men who were with Scalia at the ranch are connected through the International Order of St. Hubertus, whose members gathered at least once before at the same ranch for a celebratory weekend. Members of the worldwide, male-only society wear dark-green robes emblazoned with a large cross and the motto “Deum Diligite Animalia Diligentes,” which means “Honoring God by honoring His creatures,” according to the group’s website. Some hold titles, such as Grand Master, Prior and Knight Grand Officer. The Order’s name is in honor of Hubert, the patron saint of hunters and fishermen." Washington Post

Most young people, crap "comedians" who think "clap if you agree with me!" is a substitute for actual laughter, and the generally liberal-minded did not like Antonin Scalia. That makes a lot of sense given what they believe and how he generally sided. However, the first two groups listed have been just the most unbelievably disrespectful of one of the greatest minds of our time. They love to say he's trash, idiotic, a monster, etc. just because they didn't like what he did or his logical examples and questionings. That's totally fine, too, because you can think what you want to about anyone you want. I won't take that away from anyone because that's your right as a citizen of this great country. However, to think he was anything less than brilliant is completely ignorant and unfounded. No one on the Supreme Court isn't an incredible mind, so don't you dare say Scalia wasn't--especially if you've never ever actually read any Supreme Court cases. Seeing a BuzzFeed headline and using that as fodder for your Scalia-hatred is even more terrifying and horrible than the incorrect-version of him those sorts of people believe him to be.  This all is of course going to make you think I'm an intolerant asshole, and that's fine. Again, it's your star spangled right to think that about me or anyone else. Know I don't support all of his decisions, but I still admire the hell out of the man's intellectual fervor. He deserves to be respected for it. Also, we all should strive to think and question as hard as he did. This all sounds preachy but I really just can't believe how easily people dismiss what he did.

Anyway, I saw this article and it makes me so, so excited. THIS, is a way to die. Surrounded by hunting buddies on one last getaway? Are you kidding me? That is heaven on Earth. To not only not die in a hospital bed or nursing home, but moreover to be on a HUNTING TRIP? This is seriously now my end of life goal. As a life-long outdoorsman, I now strive to croak around my best friends while either out in a boat or in duck blind. Hearing about his death is as inspirational as his thought-abilities. If you still think he wasn't unbelievably smart, you surely do now that you know how he died. Because that's as smart a way to go as possible.

Also, another serious life goal I now have is to one day be a member of the International Order of St. Hubertus. Their motto is my life motto: "Honoring God by honoring His creatures." I'm so fired up right now knowing that there's an actual hunting fraternity started in 1695 and that this is what they do. It's the next thing I'm striving to do here, baby! I just want to be connected to badass men throughout history and this is my ticket. As if my love of hunting, fishing, conservationism, and all their other beliefs isn't enough, my black lab and hunting dog's name is HUBERT. I was made for this society. Me and Brett Favre are going to crush some Busch Lights together around a St. Hubertus fire someday. I just know it.

One last thing: look at the picture at the top. Notice what both of these guys (Representative Fortenberry and Justice Scalia) are wearing. THAT is real hunting clothing. Holy cows have people gone overboard with all this Under Armour type of fancypants... Well, pants, and stuff. At the end of the day, all you really need is some good old fashioned pattern camo and rubber boots. Just don't ever, ever wear a scarf when you're hunting. That to me is what Scalia is to young liberal people.

Harvard Shows How Stupid Most Startups Are & How Much Harvard Wants To Be Dartmouth

Carry yourself with the confidence of Harvard students who believe they invented cabins. https://t.co/3LK78yr9HV

— Scott S. (@scttdvd) February 24, 2016

"A group of grad students from Harvard's Innovation Lab have come up with a start-up to help people unplug from the daily grind. Getaway builds and rents tiny homes that they place in the Massachusetts wilderness and rent out. While feeling like it's in the middle of nowhere, its only about two hours away from Boston, making it the perfect weekend escape." Business Insider courtesy of @scttdvd

A huge percentage of all startups are just the stupidest, most pointless, uninspiring ideas people are trying to get rich off of. No one just invents anything good anymore. They instead come up with ideas, make apps for them, beg for funding from people, try and get meetings with higher-ups in the startup chain, then try to sell their "businesses" as soon as they have any relative success. Notice how much I use the word "try" here. It's because startups are by and large such try-hards.

I'm not saying all startups are dumb; some of them are brilliant and have earned their huge profits or buyouts. However, most startups are as useless as tits on a boar and consequentially worth diddly squat. When you get down to it, most startups are like most twitter jokes: they're not good enough to be in real venues (be it businesses or comedy shows), so they instead get used on a throwaway, unprofitable stage. That's to say that Twitter provides an unpaid stage, not to say that Twitter isn't profitable. Although its recent stock profile suggests otherwise.

South Park perfectly nailed what's so dumb and hilarious about startups and startup culture (as well as the Washington Redskins):

http://static4.businessinsider.com/image/5457c9ae6bb3f7d33da1a6bb/a-4-step-startup-plan-for-every-aspiring-founder-according-to-south-parks-eric-cartman.jpg

Startups are in general a bunch of silly people with silly ideas trying to make silly amounts of money. It's not this money aspect that is stupid--making money off ideas is one of many things that makes this country great. What is stupid is just how lazy and dumb a lot of the ideas actually are.

The cream of the stupid recent startup crop is this Harvard one. Scott is exactly right, they're trying to make money off of cabins. They're claiming to have startedup or startupped or startedupped cabins. They essentially say it in the video. What are these guys thinking? It's not even an original name, "Getaway." Do they seriously think they can Getaway with denying the prior existence of resort and cabin culture, a staple of this country for oh, I don't know, most of the time it's existed? Holy crap is this just the most moronic.

Most of the time I expect eons more out of Harvard, but with this specific idea, I'm not the slightest bit surprised. Everyone knows most Harvard kids in their hearts are just Dartmouth wannabes. They were smart enough but not nearly fun, cool, or outdoorsy enough to make it at The College on the Hill. They have such a mental block and inferiority complex about it that they literally pine to be the Lone Pine. I'm not saying that Dartmouth invented the cabin--no, we just build a ton of them and they're fricken' sweet, way better than these piece of crap Harvard ones--I'm just saying these Harvard kids' startup is a cry for both financial and identity help. Think I've gone overboard? You know what else is about two hours away from Boston? DARTMOUTH.

Classic stupid startup and classic lame Harvard. Next thing you know, Harvard is going to launch a pong startup and act like they invented that, which everyone knows Dartmouth did. Sorry for preaching so much veritas, but this is just such a sad vox clamantis in deserto.