Suck It, Chicago Red-Light and Speed-Cam Tickets!

"Chicago violated the “fundamental principles of justice, equity and good conscience” by denying due process to motorists issued red-light camera and speed-camera tickets, a judge has ruled, declaring those tickets “void.” In a harshly worded ruling handed down late Friday, Circuit Court Judge Kathleen Kennedy kept alive a lawsuit seeking hundreds of millions dollars in refunds for motorists ticketed since 2003 after City Hall “skipped a step” mandated by the city’s own municipal code. The lawsuit filed nearly a year ago accused the Emanuel administration of violating the requirement to issue a second notice of violation before issuing a determination of liability against motorists issued speed-camera and red-light camera tickets." Chicago Sun-Times

Yes! Suck it, Chicago ticket cameras! This lawsuit obviously isn't over, but this is a huge win for us Windy City citizens. Holy crap do these cameras suck. When I first moved to Chicago, I was blown away by how all-around horrible driving here is. Yes, I have a car, and yes, it's a Volvo station wagon. Don't hate me because you ain't me. I'm a true Volvo player! Show 'em what's up, Van Damme!

Pow! Yes baby! Anyway, driving in Chicago is super sketchy because you have to go fast in order to get anywhere, but you get penalized for driving fast because of all the cameras and super short yellow lights. It's a real Catch-22: you can't get anywhere unless you drive fast but you can't actually drive fast because Big Brother will charge you for it. It's such an Emanuel administration bullshit move that he Rahms up our asses just to make a pretty penny. Well, it looks like it's actually as bullshit as we all know it to be out here on the streets (what's up all my Volvo homies) and that money may very well be coming back to us. Like, A LOT of money. Estimated around $200 million. Cha-ching, suck it cameras!

It's not just about the money, over-regulation, and lack of due process. It's also about safety. Rahm's short yellow lights themselves have been a major issue. According to one study, "Chicago drivers are at a greater risk for rear-end accidents due to the combination of red light cameras and 3-second yellow lights that are out of step with national practices." It's crazy all this has gone on and us Chicago drivers have paid out the ass just to keep getting caught doing what we essentially have to do. However, this ruling is a huge win and a big step toward at least some order being restored to one of Chicago's many issues.

Chicago is a great city, but man, do we have a ton of injustice and corruption. Cook County? More like Crook County. Chi-City? More like Crime-City. Piece of crap?* More like Rahm Emanuel. 

*Humongous piece of crap.

The "Wine Workout" Is Fantastically Fratty

"REDDING, Calif. -- A 24-year-old Northern California mom's video mixing wine and exercise has gone viral online, seen by roughly more than 25 million people. April Storey said in an interview with local station KRCR that her busy, multi-tasking life was the inspiration for the 15-second video now dubbed "Wine Workout." Storey said, "I was getting ready to do a workout, and I saw the wine there and I'm like, 'You know, that would be kind of funny to incorporate wine into this workout video.'" ABC

When I first saw this, I thought that this exercise was for sure categorizable as fun-mom because April is obviously a fun mom. Then I thought it's maybe more in the Northern-Cali category because of the wine. However, when you really get down to it, this "Wine Workout" is simply fratty. Fratty doesn't mean douchey dudes doing stupid or offensive stuff. That's a secondary connotation people have attached to fratty in recent years that has come to even replace fratty's true definition within the zeitgeist. What fratty really means is people doing awesome-fun creative stuff that involves a variation of sports and/or alcohol. Being as April's "Wine Workout" is awesome-fun, creative, and uses both sports and alcohol, it's safe to say it's the highest degree of the best version of fratty. Worthy of being on tank tops and lax pinnies everywhere.

There's so much stupid exercise fad stuff that's popular nowadays--foot gloves, zoomba, hot yoga, people talking about yoga like it's "training" of some sort, CrossFit, soccer--and this "Wine Workout" is finally one that is actually a great idea. Exercise is good for your heart. Wine is good for your heart. The "Wine Workout" is therefore twice as good for your heart as drinking or working out are by themselves. Great move by April Storey. I both expect and look forward to seeing "Wine Workout" gym/bars opening all over the place soon. They'll be welcome replacements for all these annoying yoga and CrossFit "studios" all over the place. April Storey needs to be commended for what she's done here. It's purely healthy, purely good, and purely fratty in all the best ways. Backwards hats off to her. 

Boones Farm needs to hop on this ASAP and become the official bottle of "Wine Workout" international.

I Am Honestly Surprised the "Yanket" Isn't Real

I'm a sucker for both Family Guy and informercials. I saw both of them on TV a lot at a very key stage of my development and as a result will always be a fan. The biggest loss kids of the future will experience when all TV is dead and everything is online streaming will be informercials, no doubt. There have just been so many great informercials over the years: Nordic Track with that one really hot lady; Gazelle with that one creepy haired guy; Bowflex with about 45% of all the back muscles in the world; ShamWow with that guy who bit a hooker or something like that; the senior citizen "Help, I've fallen and can't get up" button; the Clapper light switch that I've never actually seen in real life; Oxi Clean (RIP, Billy Mays. RIP, you saint); that crazy bullet blender that for sure would break just like a normal blender; the Proactiv Pro-V pimple products line that you'd make fun of with your friends but secretly wish your parents would buy for you; and many, many more great products--all for five easy payments of $19.95! Shipping and handling not included. Whatever the hell handling is.

But of course the number one all time informercial is the Snuggie. The Snuggie was one of the biggest cultural happenings in about 2008-2010. That commercial was on all the time and it never wouldn't entertain. Not only was it a hilarious infomercial, but a lot of people actually bought Snuggies. At first it was to be funny for your friends: "you know what's even funnier than this Snuggie infomercial we're currently watching? (*whips out a Snuggie*) Actually having one! (*high five, high five, puts it on and reaches into bag of sour cream and onion chips*)." But then they were just everywhere because it's actually a good product. Blankets can't do all the work against mysterious living room drafts, after all. Sometimes you just need some good old fleece sleeves so you can be like a cozy Jabba the Hutt when you're being a piece of crap on the couch.

Considering how specific the problems you don't know you even have are that infomercials conveniently solve for you, I cannot believe the "Yanket" isn't all ready a real thing. I'm completely serious about this. Obviously it's a hilarious Family Guy segment, but it's also a great infomercial. They make those fake golf clubs you pee into so you can enjoy a day on the course. They make a breast spacer women supposedly should wear when sleeping on their sides. They make the fricken' Shake Weight. So why hasn't anyone made the "Yanket" yet? Try and call it crazy, but as a product the idea is really no different than any other infomercial gem is at first. I bet we'll be seeing some sort of "Yanket" equivalent within the next month.

Somewhat related, thinking about all these infomercials reminds me of this all-time great:

Psycho School Bus Driver Almost Gets Kids Killed By Train

"HOUSTON -- Eyewitness News has obtained video from inside a Klein ISD school bus that was nearly struck by a train earlier this month. The incident happened February 10 as a bus zoned to Klein Oak High School crossed the intersection of Northcrest and Root Road. The driver is seen stopping at the train tracks, and then proceeds to cross even after seeing a train coming. The driver then seen stopping that bus after crossing the tracks.

"I guess we'll just sit here for a while," the bus driver stated in the video." ABC

Holy crap does that video make my blood boil. I'm fuming because of this monster of a person driving the bus. I don't know anything about her and I don't care at all about her backstory or how much she might have been frustrated by the kids or whatever, because any time you endanger kids' lives you're 100% to blame, no excuses. We sure coddle children nowadays and yes, high school kids are almost adults, but this is nothing like any of those stories. This is a person who willingly and on purpose stopped the bus just shy of some train tracks. She was fired but I don't see how she doesn't end up with major legal charges for it. First, no driver of any vehicle has enough control of it to make the call that they're just close enough to not get hit by a train, especially a fricken' yellow school bus. Second, a train is a TRAIN. They suck stuff in all the time. Third, if a train hits you, you're completely gone and the train is completely fine. Fourth, it's a school bus full of kids. Your one job as a driver is to drive them wherever and get them there safe. Fifth and finally, she's caught on film undoubtedly doing this with complete admitted intention of trying to teach these kids some sort of sick lesson, which to her is well worth the risk of their lives. Unbelievable that this happened and it's just great that the kids were all fine. If I'm a parent, though, I'm going to that school board meeting and making the sky fall down on this lady. I'm Clint Eastwood from Dirty Harry and my .44 Magnum is all possible discipline, consequences, and trouble I can get the driver into:

Now that I've cooled off a bit, I've gotta say, the bad month and losing streak for buses in general really continues. After the Chicago Megabus fire yesterday, I think I'll be staying away from buses for a while. Here I've felt so safe and secure in my non-ocean part of the world, but now I realize that buses are just some sort of sick land-sharks. They're trying to kill us all by first alluring us into a sense of peace that even though they're dangerous, they're just part of the water we swim in. Well I've been on to you for ages, sharks, and now I'm on to you, buses. I don't trust you and no one should. You heard me, buses:

Megabus Fire Actually A Pretty Good Outcome As Far As Megabusses Go

"A Minneapolis-bound bus carrying approximately 40 passengers burst into flames outside of Chicago Sunday afternoon in the northern suburbs, according to fire officials. Just after 12 p.m., Lake Forest Fire received a call for a coach bus on fire on the southbound lane of Route 41 between Route 176 and the Lake Forest Hospital entrance, according to investigators. The first crews to arrive reported that the bus was fully engulfed in flames and that all passengers and the driver were off the bus." NBC

All right, before anyone gets their undies in a bunch, everyone was fine in this incident. All of their stuff was burned to smithereens, but the passengers are all OK. Well, OK as far as riding on a Megabus in the first place can go. Honestly, what's the difference between riding on a Megabus that burns and explodes as opposed to one that doesn't? Either way you're late, you're not where you intended to go, you had to take a shit on a bus, you probably have a horrible relationship with a key family member, and you're out between one and five bucks from your ticket. 

This video is shorter than the first one I saw, but the one that aired on TV had a few more people in it... I'm not going to comment on the band of characters involved. I don't need to because: one, they just went through a pretty scary tragedy, riding a Megabus; two, they were additionally inconvenienced beyond the normal nightmare of Megabus by having their bus explode; three, all of their stuff on the bus is gone which absolutely sucks; and four, they're people on a Megabus. They're exactly what you'd expect. I'm not saying I have never taken a Megabus myself and as a result am above it. I'm just saying that everyone when on a Megabus is crazy and ipso facto these are some crazy people.

As far as Megabus accidents go, though, this is actually a pretty good outcome for everyone involved. Again, I can't stress enough how much of a catastrophe this was for them, having to take a Megabus in the first place, but at least they're all alive. So much other absolutely bananas preposterous stuff has happened on these buses, usually ending with multiple people dead. In 2012, a Megabus crashed into an overpass in Syracuse, ejecting several passengers and decapitating another. In 2008, a guy went crazy on a Canadian greyhound, decapitating the guy next to him. In a different 2012 incident, a Megabus crashed into a bridge, killing one passenger, hospitalizing dozens more, and sending "'blood everywhere.'" These are just three of many, many, way too many haunting examples of how insane bus accidents are. It's real messed up how much of this stuff has happened and what specifically has happened, which is why today's bus fire really is a pretty good way for things to have ended, all things considered.

One last thing--of course this Megabus burned down today. Not only was it a Megabus and therefore a big old "lol idk c u l8r" in terms of travel, it was a Megabus headed toward Minneapolis from Chicago on the day of the Stadium Series, a day when the Wild kicked the crap out of us. There was no chance it was gonna work out today. Don't worry about it, though, it's good that it happened on a regular old day in February. It just means it won't happen come May and June when it really matters. Duh, of course I mean the Blackhawks winning. Megabus never gets to win.

Go follow the man, Captain Jonathan Toews on Twitter: @JonathanToews

Marco Rubio's Football Skills Are Noteworthy and Important

Tossing the football with my son Anthony at our South Carolina HQ today. #SCPrimary pic.twitter.com/c7cwWVikT7

— Marco Rubio (@marcorubio) February 20, 2016

Today is the South Carolina Republican primary and Nevada Democratic caucus. The 2016 election is coming up fast. There's tons to talk about. We've still got a huge field of candidates and no certainty of who's getting nominations. Liberal people are largely supporting Bernie, though the DNC is seemingly pulling for Hillary. Conservative people are kind of all over the place, but not nearly as much as the GOP itself is. Some conservative candidates have dropped out and others still are dropping out. Trump is still going strong despite some thinking he'll fade at each and every stage, which he hasn't. Bloomberg might run and that could be a huge game changer.

The one thing no one is talking about that is a real game changer, though, is football skills. Each candidate has uniquely generic views on issues we all say we're real invested in. Healthcare, immigration, taxes, the military, education, bipartisanship, the budget, blagh blagh blagh, beep boop beep. It's robotic in its consistency, living up to expectations, and general lack of actual details. Speaking of robotic, no one's been called more robotic than Marco Rubio:

Yes, the repetition of rhetoric is robotic, but he's a politician. What do people expect? This isn't an NFL playoff game. You shouldn't expect to be surprised and wowed. You should expect to have your expectations met.

The one expectation I have that is probably as important as all others in a potential US President is the ability to throw a football. It's a basic human right and those who can't do it sure have to prove by some other means that they're still human. Bernie played some basketball on camera, so he's proved he's a living human, even if he does maybe only have a few years left of it. Don't worry, Bernie will live forever in the hearts and minds of the people. As well as in the cloud, I presume. Bernie Sanders: the first person to live forever through having his soul stored virtually.

So Marco Rubio once again showing his skills with the pigskin is simply huge. The United States of America is the greatest football team on planet Earth. Yes, we invented the game, but regardless, we win the Super Bowl every year. It's a tough but beautiful sport. A sport that's all about the team. We win time after time--yes, undefeated--because we've got stars at every single position. Yet even though it's a team sport, the most important position is quarterback. You can't expect to win without a star quarterback. The 2000 Baltimore Ravens prove the importance of a great defense, but still, no one else is winning the whole thing without a top-notch quarterback.

As the most storied team in sports, the United States of America, we must continue to have the best quarterback possible. The best quarterback possible has to have the complete skills package: the president's gotta be smart; gotta know the offense inside and out; gotta be able to read the opposing defense in an instant; gotta be able to call audibles at the line; gotta be able to take a beating and get right back up; gotta be able lead the other players; gotta be able to get along with all the coaches; gotta be able to deliver to the media; gotta be loved by the fans; and, of course, gotta be able to throw the ball.

No American President/great quarterback throws the ball poorly. It just doesn't happen. Your job is to throw the football. Simple as that. That's why it's of the utmost importance that candidates for the job be able to throw the ball well, because all the job comes down to is throwing the ball. No one would argue otherwise.

Look at the evidence.

Obama throws the football real well:

Bush showed Jeff Garcia a thing or two about the position:

http://cdn.rsvlts.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/President-Bush-throws-a-football--930x922.jpg

Clinton was known for his great hands and ball control:

http://www.getkempt.com/media/article_content/image/082015_Clinton-football.jpg

Bush Sr. kept it nice and tight, right up by the ear:

http://blogs.suntimes.com/politics/Vice-President-George-Bush-tosses-a-football--930x666.jpeg

Some even say Reagan is the one who taught Uncle Rico how to throw a football over them mountains:

https://reaganlibrary.archives.gov/archives/photographs/large/c7105-11A.jpg

That's why Marco Rubio showing off his skills is so noteworthy and important. He's showing what he can do in a draft class people are having a real hard time scouting out. I expect my QB to be able to throw the ball, plain and simple. That little finger lick he throws in at 8 seconds in the video with his son? The man knows how to throw the ball. 

Still don't think he knows the game?

He puts the ball right where it needs to be, too:

As if that's not all enough to showcase his football skills, the man's married to a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader, Jeanette Dousdebes:

http://www.tampabay.com/resources/images/dti/rendered/2015/05/0435731506.1_15218875_8col.jpg

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/election/marco-rubio/yjnhh9/picture21228318/ALTERNATES/FREE_640/jeanette%20rubio_4

Marco Rubio has showed he can throw the football. What about you, rest of the 2016 presidential candidates? The ball's in your court. Hope you know how to throw it back.

NERF Is the Kids Military Industrial Complex

"The NERF Nuke is quite simply the pinnacle of NERF weaponry. Load it with 80 NERF darts and crank the arming mechanism (which is also the trigger button, so be careful). To conserve space, the NERF Nuke uses a reverse-plunger system, which compromises distance for compactness. But hey, it'll still fire the darts up to 30 feet when it hits. However, the NERF Nuke Launcher is a tripod-mounted, direct-plunger system, and can rocket the NERF Nuke itself up to 40 feet - just far enough for you to be outside the blast radius. When you need to end it, and end it fast, there's no other choice than theNERF Nuke!" Think Geek

When I was a kid, NERF technology was similar to that of what the original US revolutionary militias used, except with foam darts. You got one shot, which you had no idea if it would hit or not, then you'd have to put in another dart, pump or pull back an impossible spring, take aim, shoot, pray, and hope your family didn't die of an off-year for crops. You had to get real close to the enemy to hit them and once you were out of darts it was hand to hand combat. It was so much fun and I have so many fond memories of those battles. I used to hide in a pile of leaves , wait until someone would walk right over me, pop out, and shoot them in the back, unsuspected. Call it a sissy tactic but war is war. If I was lucky I'd get a one shot kill, but that was rarely the case. To this day I still don't have feeling in my left arm from a terrible shot in the shoulder. The dart went right through my woolen jacket and into my flesh. I had to strangle that neighborhood kid to death with my handkerchief then hobble home, where my dearest mother pulled out the bullet with forceps then closed the wound with a red-hot iron from the stove. It was brutal, the NERF wars, but it was absolutely worth it, knowing my family has a brighter, safer future. Go ahead and tell me these memories are wrong and that I'm misremembering playing NERF for the actual Revolutionary War. Go ahead and say it, call me a lier. But I'll never forget how it all went down. That's how I lost my best friend, old Johnny Whitesworth. RIP Johnny. RIP. 

NERF has come so far since I was a kid. When no one's looking I always go down the toy gun aisle at Target and stuff is so cool now. Bullet belts, infinite darts, side holsters, gattling guns, scopes--it's like actual guns and actual war. So fricken sweet. Also, so preparing the next generation of actual warriors. Also also, it's expensive--like 50 bucks for midrange guns. I don't remember how much NERF guns were when I was a kid, but I feel like there's no way they were that much. It makes sense that it's all that expensive, though, because NERF is just the kids version of the Military Industrial Complex.

https://media.nationalpriorities.org/uploads/publications/discretionary-spending-pie-2015.png

If we as a country spent ballpark 55% of the budget on the military last year, then that's for sure a direct parallel for a kid's budget. Obviously the rest of the sections don't parallel to kids' stuff because most of the remainder goes to Legos and video games, but I think NERF for sure is to kids what the military is to adults. Some people say we gotta cut back on that spending but we all know we won't, because what would actually happen if we did? Same goes for kids. Sure, I might be able to buy more candy, but I also might get creamed by the neighborhood bully if I'm not fully stocked. Hard call, but it's safe to be safe.

A NERF nuke now, on top of it all? Yup, absolutely the kids version of the Military Industrial Complex. Expensive, deadly, other kids are going to call you a cheater and unethical for using it, but you're damn right you need to have one to be taken seriously. If you're a kid and you're really doing it right, you're gonna stockpile thousands of NERF nukes and then make sure none of the other kids have them. It's the only way to survive, really.

While I'm at it, we don't waterboard in adult war anymore, but kids sure as hell do. Remember how brutal roughhousing around the pool would get? It'd start out as fun and games, maybe a little tackle football in the shallow end, but eventually you'd be beating the shit out of each other with noodles or holding some other kid underwater until he'd be almost dead. Then one kid would get the hose out and he'd be just like Rambo on the back of a truck with a .50 cal. War is in us all from birth, it's just way different in the kids version. 

John Rambo's got my back 100% on this one:

Pastafarian Driver's License Photo Shows America and Wisconsin's Greatness

"For his Wisconsin driver's license photo, Michael Schumacher says he wants to wear a pasta strainer on his head because it's part of his belief in Pastafarianism as a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The state's response: Just be sure to tip that colander back far enough to show your face. It's part of a strange — but not unprecedented — legal battle that recently was won by the Madison resident, though to call it a battle may be an overstatement. After his attorney sent a letter Jan. 25 to the state Department of Transportation, the Division of Motor Vehicles responded by letter Feb. 4 to say his client's request would be accommodated." Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

As an American who madly loves this great country, I have to say this is another fantastic moment for freedom, democracy, religion, carbohydrates, and the excellent state of Wisconsin. First off, yes, it's obviously just cool beans that Pastafarianism is an organized atheist religious group. I don't really know if that's how to properly categorize it, atheist religious, being as they're rather contradictory, but that's their thing and they're doing it. No one's stopping them and no one can. You hear that, British? We're letting them do it. That's why we broke away from you Red Coats, so you'd stop persecuting our beliefs. That and because both improper taxation and tea suck! Take that! Coffee forever, you wig-wearing bastards! Oh, and while we're at it, we'll take The Office and make it our own thing, too!

Aside from it being awesome that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti monster is allowed to fly--just like their God-figure! Suck it some more, Brits!--that's also an awesome thing to decide to believe in. I'm a major lover of all things fun and great, especially if you're gonna be enthusiastic about it. So if you don't want to believe in my God and instead found a movement to try and combat teaching intelligent design, that's cool, I respect it. I won't get in your face about it if you won't get in mine. As long as I'm not getting yelled at about stuff I'm generally having a good time. I know it's not really about praising spaghetti to Pastafarians, it's about anti-creationism. However, I can't stop thinking about people being so into pasta that they worship it. It's so cool and badass that I absolutely dig it. Could you imagine if someone actually felt that way? Wait there already is. It's called Italianism.

Finally, this shows how star spangled great Wisconsin is, too, not just America. Whereas some states would throw fits, protest, and hold it as an anti- or pro-religious example in the news for weeks, Wisconsin just went right ahead and gave Mr. Schumacher a written thumbs up. Separation of church and state, no biggie. Freedom to do what you want in a state issued I.D., chill. Not wasting time, resources, or state money to drag out a bureaucratic nightmare, easy as pie. Spaghetti pie! Bet you wish you had that instead of fish 'n chips, you Wimbledon-worshiping fig newtons! Wisconsin! America! Not the UK!

Oh baby, baseball season's just around the corner! Yes! Guess who's winning the World Series this year!?

That's right--not a British team!

You don't even have Stanley in your version of The Office!

And we also have the Stanley Cup, while I'm at it! Suck on that, England AND Canada!

Play me off, Jimi!

NYC Lady Panhandling for Dates Is Another 2016 Whiny, Artsy Adult

"Public school teacher and comedian Jana Schmieding told Cosmopolitan.com that she came up with the idea" for the video "last year while working on a comedy sketch." 

"'I'm not homeless or out of work. I'm not asking for money tonight. I am on this train searching for the man of my dreams.'" 

"'I am single, and unfortunately it's gotten to the point where I need to rely on the help of strangers." NBC

Oh boy. Here we go. Once I saw the bologna title at the beginning for "The Panhandle" I knew I wasn't going to make it. Just through the video I mean, not through life without being happy or in a relationship like this lady. Which she's setting out to do by making stuff like this. Yes those are harsh claims but I could only force myself through 58 seconds of this cringer before I had to quit. Nope. Just couldn't do it. The video's shameless, manipulative self-publicity.

I'm a jerk but when I read the text before watching the video, I knew it was coming. She's a "comedian" and had this idea when "working on a comedy sketch." By the way you know you're making comedy when you give the friendly labeling reminder that "sketches" are "comedy sketches." I'm sure that's on Cosmo or NBC or whatever, but still, it's super suspicious to see this woe-is-me-life-is-so-cruel piece come out of what was originally a sketch idea. Then to make this video about how no one will love you and try to pull at people's heartstrings while still promoting yourself and your own films... It's just as bad as actual subway panhandlers. This is another person who's "a comedian" that decides all art is art so therefore when shit's not funny why not make a "feel good" video? Drives me nuts, it's people wanting to do Louis CK's alternative works without the foundation of being one of the funniest comics ever first. I don't know anything about her other comedy stuff but I'm for sure not interested in learning about it after seeing part of this video.

Yeah, that's what set me off at first, using the sad-sucker platform to plug yourself, but from there it's worse. Look, everybody whining about how hard it is to be an adult: just grow up and be an adult. Life is hard and stuff doesn't always go well. Sometimes you make a lot of money, sometimes you don't make any money. Sometimes you're in great shape, sometimes your back is destroyed by 30. Sometimes you're 2013 Nick Foles, sometimes you're normal Nick Foles. Sometimes your parents are proud of you, sometimes you for sure didn't earn it. Sometimes you get a bunch of dates, sometimes you get no dates. I'm not saying all the crap goes together, but crap just happens. When it does, you deal with it. You can't crowdsource or viral video your way into success and happiness. You just have to work at it. No one's gonna give it to you and they can't anyway. It's the same as relationships. You gotta put in actual work on them. Not panhandling on the train to see if randos will end up being "the man of your dreams." The man or woman of your dreams isn't just going to come up to you on the train and then boom, you're in love. Unless they're a bucket drummer. Or a pigeon. Or a pigeon bucket drummer.

Life and love are both hard but so is being an adult. You have to accept it all and just do it. Feel good stories don't come from making feel-good tearjerker films like everyone's trying to do nowadays. They come from working your ass off to overcome adversity. That or having to bury your dog who is also your best friend. That is a sure fire path to an actual feel-good tearjerker film.

Also, if no one else is gonna say it, I will--about 80% of the people laughing or applauding her are doing so because they're just relieved she's not attacking them, getting sick, asking for petition signatures, or actually asking for money. We all want to be left alone on the train.

Old Psychic Woman Is Too Powerful for Death

"A psychic in Orange County said she had a premonition something was going to happen – and it did when a truck plowed into her home business in Anaheim on Friday. Around 4:30 p.m., a truck traveling on Beach Boulevard hit the back of a Toyota Camry and lost control, before crashing into the psychic business operated by Rachel Williams. Williams said it was the third time a vehicle has crashed into her business." NBC

This woman is the face of immortality. People like to joke about psychics. "Psychics don't have any real powers." "Psychics can't predict the future." "Psychics are normal people just like the rest of us." Well guess what. Guess who's dead. Hmm? Who? Every single normal person ever (excluding those currently pre-dead). No person who's not currently living is not dead. That's 100% of normal people dead. The numbers don't lie. That's a pretty scary statistic.

Even scarier than that? Guess who is NOT dead. Go ahead. Who? 

Every psychic ever. 

Yes, 100% of not living people are dead and 100% of psychics ever are alive. That means there's a 100% chance you'll wind up dead someday unless you're a psychic.

On top of these alarming, full-proof statistics is one more shocker: this woman who is a psychic was 100% correct with her prediction that a truck would plow through her home FOR A THIRD TIME.

100% dead if normal. 100% not dead if psychic. 100% correct truck crashes into psychic business/home. Vehicles have crashed into her psychic business/home THREE times.

Again, these numbers don't lie and they all add up to one undeniable truth: psychics can't be killed because their powers are too strong for death. The grim reaper can keep launching vehicles at psychics but it's not use. Nothing will come of it. 

This woman Rachel Williams is so unkillable that she doesn't even need to move locations despite being crashed into two times already and knowing a third time was coming, simply because there's no point moving knowing there's no chance of dying.

So go ahead and keep laughing at psychics. Have a good old chuckle during your limited number of days left on this Earth while you're still pre-dead. If you doubt these numbers and claims, too, then take it up with Ms. Williams' son. Right before the crash he was crunching the numbers for me in Stata while he was "operating the computer."