You Don't Have To Be An Astronaut to Know Who The #1 Astronaut Is

"Genealogy experts" at the website MooseRoots "gathered the names of 572 professionally trained astronauts from Wikipedia to find the total number of astronauts with each first name. You might be surprised to find how popular certain names have traditionally been among spacemen and spacewomen..." WGN

No you won't. You won't be surprised at all. First off, it's not at all impressive that "genealogy experts" came to their conclusion just by pulling names off Wikipedia. That's a total minor league move that any of us could pull off. So I guess being a genealogy expert is a joke then. But being an astronaut isn't, which is why there's only 572 of them. Honestly, that's way more astronauts than I would have guessed their to be, but whatever, I'm not the genealogy expert here. Even more impressive than being an astronaut, though, is being the number one named astronaut. Which I'll extrapolate to take means means being the #1 overall astronaut. What name is it? Who's the greatest astronaut of all time?

MICHAEL.

Knew it before I even knew it was something to think about. We're talking about Michael Jordan, of course. Michael is absolutely the #1 astronaut of all time. He's the GOAT, the Jumpman, the real Space Man, and the only Space Jam. You don't get put into a movie with the Looney Tunes unless you're at the top of the mountain. Hell, he is the mountain. Michael Jordan is absolutely the best astronaut ever because no one else has ever or will ever fly through time and space like he did. He walks on land, he walks on air, and he walks on outerspace:

MJ. Best basketball player ever, best astronaut ever. 

Crap Chicago We're Losing Our Baby Red Pandas

"'Clark' and 'Addison,' Lincoln Park Zoo’s two red pandas will soon find new homes outside of Chicago. Zoo officials say the move is coordinated with nature, when the pandas have grown to be adults and leave home so their mother, in this case 'Leafa,' is ready to breed again for the upcoming season. Clark and Addison were born seven months ago, behind the scenes at the Kovler Lion House." WGN

"All good things must come to an end..."

"If you love something you must let it go..."

"A red panda is like a beam of light: you can only admire it, you can never truly capture it..."

OK, I made up that third one but it's just as true. I really don't know anything about red pandas but I know I love them. Look at these guys. They're fluffy. They're cuddly. They've got a great color-scheme. They'd make for the best cartoon characters of all time. They're simply adorable. I want to go live with them, I want to study them, I want them to teach me their ways, I want them to accept me as one of their own. But I can't, because as soon as I got a chance to know Clark and Addison, which are just the best Chicago animal names, I found out they're leaving. Where will they go next? No one knows. It's just the way of the red panda.

I wish I could say we had enough time together, Chicago's cutest critters, but we simply didn't. You're everything I love about raccoons, puppies, stuffed animals, and heart-melting mischief, all in one.

You're hilarious when you nap:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_panda#/media/File:Tiergarten_Schoenbrunn_Kleiner_Panda_2.jpg

You have a perfect smile and perfect camera presence:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_panda#/media/File:Red_Panda_in_a_Gingko_tree.jpg

You stand out among even the cutest of fuzzy bastards:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_panda#/media/File:Lesser_panda_standing.jpg

But your time here is done and so you must go. I will miss you, Clark and Addison the baby red pandas. Chicago will miss you. We will. All we can say is: thank you. Thank you for all you do and all that you are. Take care, be well, and good luck getting it on when the time's right for you to keep your excellent species going. I sincerely hope you two are able to make just the best red panda love possible someday.

Please promise you'll think of us here in Chicago every once in a while, red pandas. We promise we'll think of you often, with open hearts and open eyes:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_panda#/media/File:Ailurus_fulgens_-Diergaarde_Blijdorp-8a.jpg

Man, the Bulls suck this year.

The Cincinnati Rule: Why Vontaze Burfict's Suspension Was Upheld

"Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict's three-game suspension was upheld by appeals officer Derrick Brooks, sources tell ESPN's Da Graziano."

That's the hit right there that Vontaze Burfict got suspended for. Obviously the Bengals pulled a Cincinnati and Cincinnatied themselves at that point, which here forward is the term to be used when describing chronic screwing yourself over and losing. The hit is pretty flagrant and on top of that the NFL is doing a ton to crack down on anything that involves head contact nowadays, especially when it involves a player leading with the head. Plus Antonio Brown was concussed and missed the following game, which although I don't really know if it factored into the suspension probably did. All of this combined with how on the radar Vontaze Burfict is for his other many penalties and fines makes it seem pretty clear why his three-game suspension was upheld.

However, that's not what the suspension being upheld comes down to. First, as far as meeting with the NFL to discuss rulings goes, it's like the God damn Wild West. Old retired-prospector turned Sherif Rogey Rogeman Goodell's eyes are going bad on him, but as long as you can wet his whistle with a little bit of whiskey, he'll get right on the good side of you and your boots! But hold your literal horses right there, because you never know when he's re-shined his badge and decided to lay down a little bit of the law as he sees it. Shady evidence on ball inflation levels, which we don't even know how much affects gameplay in the first place? Rogey's feelin real horny to be a big boy today... Four-game suspension! Ndamukong Suh's trying to murder players and ruin franchises Willy Nilly right before all our eyes? Hell, the name Suh reminds Rogey of his first love, so he's gonna let Ndamukong go! Just like Rogey let his first love go, Sue! Which is also what he would yell out to get her attention! Suh to bring in Sue the shiny pink pig. She was the perdiest, fattest pig Rogey Goodell ever did make love to. Well, excluding the fat piggy bank of profit he's currently balls-deep in.

The real reason Vontaze Burfict's suspension was upheld is because of the Cincinnati Rule: outside of the regular season, nothing goes right for the Cincinnati Bengals. Post-season, off-season, pre-season--none of it ever works out. Tons of players getting arrested for off-field misconduct, Marvin Lewis going 0-7, Dandy Andy's suitcases bouncing all over the interstate, and now Vontaze Burfict trying an in-person appeal of his suspension. Cincinnati is cursed outside of the regular season and so 10 times out of 10 things end poorly for them. Even the Cincinnati Rule's timeframe is starting to change, given Andy Dalton breaking his thumb this year during the regular season. The Cincinnati Rule is a very real rule and everyone is aware of it. Not even Pete Rose would bet on the Bengals.

I Can't Stop Laughing at These Hugging Border Collies

"Border Collies Dewey, 7, and Blaze, 3, can do all kinds of cool tricks, including riding on a skateboard. But their latest trick of all has warmed the hearts of at least 13 millions people on Facebook. The video of the two hugging each other has gone viral and is reminding social media users to "hug that special someone" this February." ABC

I love me a good Hump Day funny animal video. Ever since that commercial with the talking camel who's excited about Wednesdays it's been a staple of my mid-week video splurge. You know the video:

Absolute fire, 10/10. Hilarious.

There's something about these collies hugging that honestly makes me feel like I'm invading their privacy, which in turn just cracks me up. I know border collies have real peculiar eyes, but still, when they first hug and the bigger dog, the male--I assume he's a male, you can try to call sexist me for it but hey that's how dogs work--looks at the camera, I feel like he's asking for some space. They look like an old couple who's either been forgotten by their busy grandkids or realize that these are the final days they have together on this planet. I know that's sad, but thinking about dogs going through that makes me laugh. It makes me laugh embarrassingly hard. It's always funny seeing animals do people things but boy oh boy is this dog hug just the cherry on the sundae. When the camera zooms in and both of the dogs' eyes are moving side to side they're absolutely saying, "Please, just give us some respect and privacy. We have nothing in this world except each other, so please just let us be alone." It's so stupid, and sad, but is it sad?, but also it is kind of sad, and for some reason that all makes it so funny, which also makes me feel like a bad guy for intruding on these dogs. Every time I re-watch it I laugh a little more but also feel a little more uncomfortable. I know it's nuts but I can't stop looking at these dogs because they really are looking away from the camera as if it's not my business. This is when someone says, "Don't look" so obviously you look right at them. But it's animals saying it, and they're saying it with their eyes. They own so much property in my brain right now. Pure gold funny animal video.

Man, it's just about impossible to find something funnier than dogs with crazy eyes:

Ghostface Killah Should Be a Supreme Court Justice

First off, the video's title is the absolute real title. To be KILLed verbally, politically, & emotionally... That's the kind of art Vincent Vaughn Gogh dreamed of making.

The video is seriously just phenomenal. The insults on Martin, who is just an all around horrible guy: -"Fake Peter Pan character." -"Fake super villain." -"Peewee Shkreli." -"The way he say goons... It's not even official." -"Money don't make you a man, brah." -"Was he playin' hop-scotch or eatin' ice cream with his fellas?" -"You a soft killah, man. You a baby, man." -"Bring it down, Marty, just a little bit. I mean, 5000% a bit." -"The world right now, they're not feeling you, they're gonna hate you, brah." -"Here go you the devil in the flesh, trying to be the villain..."

The image burns:

The astute political commentary: 

The undoubted ethos of wisdom: 

The emotional realness:

*******

No joke, none of these feel-good buzz-good share-worthy whatever videos will ever make me feel as moved or emotional as this video does. This is super real stuff. Martin Shkreli is a bad person and Ghost is a good person. This video and Ghost's going after a guy trying to make insane profits off people's suffering is just inspirational. "These are real tears because you know what I wanna tell you you so bad, and what you're doing is evil." She's telling the truth. "Grow the fuck up. Be a man. Be a man, Martin." YES! This is the stuff!

Also, there's some kind of weird product plugs at the end of it all but that doesn't matter. The rest of the video is fantastic.

No one with the thick-rimmed glasses looks as good as Ghostface Killah does. He looks like a Pulitzer Prize winner, which he should be for creating this amazing piece. It goes right on the shelf with all the Wu-Tang masterpieces. Ghostface Killah took Martin Shkreli to court. It's awesome and I'd love to see more of this. Give Ghost his Pulitzer then give him a spot on the Supreme Court. Then when people are whining or bragging about individual Supreme Court justices as if those whiners and braggers actually know anything about judicial interpretations we can all actually give a hoot. That's certainly not to disparage any Supreme Court decisions or say I know more about judicial law than anyone else. It's just to say I'm not getting fired up about the Supreme Court until we award Ghostface Killah the spot he rightfully deserves.

Remember, at the end of the day:

Conan O'Brien Gets It Right About Cam Newton's Childish Walking Away From Press Conference

Conan is the best. Growing up I would stay up late when I could get away with it to watch Conan. He's a mix of all of my favorite aspects of comedy: eccentric, self-degradative, witty on the spot, wild characters, super smart, smart-dumb, and not-pandering. I hate this whole "I'm so awkward and ironic" or "I just made a reference with no commentary so just applaud" or "look how super important what I believe in is" movement going on in comedy right now. Conan makes commentary on how absolutely crappy some of his stuff is, but that isn't even close to the "oh my gosh I suck and everything sucks" thing a lot of comics (surprise none are primetime spot people) are doing right now. Comedy is for the outcast and counter-culture blagh blagh blagh I don't buy it they way hipsters are trying to spin everything. Comedy still requires being funny and Conan is just that. Yes I'm saying lots of people that are in the comedy game in some capacity right now aren't funny, too.

I love this bit. I laughed at "Cam Newton, more like Fig Newton" right off that bat. Call me a sucker for silly but that just got me. Then to just go for it in the whole parody press conference after that? 

Yes. I love it. People have been going back and forth about all things Cam this year and especially on his walking away from the press conference. Cam is wrong because he's not just a team leader, he's also the league MVP--he's gotta stick out the conference. Cam is right both because he could hear Chris Harris next door and also Cam's a super passionate player. Then Cam himself defends his walking away saying, he's a "sore loser," adding "show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser." Source.

That's enough of Cam being the All Mighty for me. Cam, it's undoubtedly part of your job to stick through it when things suck. It's been said a million times, but that's the truth. Tom sticks them out. Aaron sticks them out. Peyton sticks them out. Hell, Russell is even suspiciously positive and thankful after losses. To not do your job and talk to reporters is simply childish. "But what about Marshawn, he's unique and true to himself when he doesn't talk." Shut up already. You have to talk and you have to stick it out. If the reason you can walk away, Cam, is because any "good loser" is a "loser," I've got a take for you: you lost real good on Sunday and so that makes you a real loser. It's OK to be so, in every football game half of the people are. Just own it. Don't be childish about it. You're only a short-term loser after the game because you lost the game. You become a long-term loser when you act like you're too good to lose. Which just isn't possible in the result-capacity or the moral-capacity. Everyone loses. How Cam walking away initially played out and is still playing out is just childish.

That's what I love about Conan's bit. It's childish. He makes a childish joke then has a childish news conference about it. His posture when defending himself is even like Cam's, that of a sad, hormonal teenager. I'm pumped Conan is going after the Cam conference thing, too. People are suddenly avoiding going after some stuff nowadays and that is NOT how comedy works. Either everything is fair game or nothing is.

Cam is a great player and he'll be more than fine when the dust has settled. That doesn't mean we can't be critical right now of what he did. Cam was super emotional because he's a great, emotional player. He just didn't let his emotions out in the appropriate manner, walking away. Cam, just let it out in the mic. I bet the Panthers nation would be pumped up about that. You're allowed to say emotional, honest stuff. That won't make you less of a role model or whatever. You have to say it, though, otherwise all we have to analyze is your one action, not your words. 

Did I just make an "actions speak louder than words" reference? Are you really coming at me for my choice of phrasing and not about the content? You whining about my one word-play and not the article-season at large? You think this post isn't post-season worthy!?

Not getting up, not walking away.

My point is what Cam did is childish and he'll do better in the future. Don't stifle your emotions, just let us hear about them, however you end up articulating them.

Also, Andy Richter's joke "we're gonna be right back with Ray Romano and maybe we'll be lucky he'll bring his friend Bob Parmagiano" is another great joke. I'm always a sucker for silly. Unless it's being silly by not talking to reporters AFTER THE SUPER BOWL. The off-season rage has already set in.

Wolverine Advises Using Sunscreen Because No One Beats the Sun

An example of what happens when you don't use sunscreen. Basal cell. The mildest form of cancer. PLEASE WEAR SUNSCREEN and get check ups regularly!

Posted by Hugh Jackman on Monday, February 8, 2016

I have not seen a superhero movie in a while. The last one I saw might be the Nolan Batman series with Christian Bale. You know, the ones where Batman is really fantastic for three movies before he gets kidnapped and brutally tortured by Ben Affleck next month? Holy crap am I not excited about that movie. First Indiana Jones got it bad on the back end, and now Bruce Wayne:

I did see the X-Men movies when I was in junior high, though. The original two or three that is. There's like a billion of them now. It's crazy wild to me because superhero movies are just like hip foods nowadays. I don't hunger for them, but they keep trying to feed them to me. Kimche, kale, the Avengers, quinoa, Spiderman, lentils, the allegedly Fantastic Four, gelato. It's all just propaganda for some weird front to voluntarily give up happiness and fun. Yuck! 

Everyone knows that Wolverine is invincible. He has some super special metal infused into his bones and Australian charm on top of it. Yet despite his invincibility, Wolverine developed a cancerous basal cell on his schnoz, which is the mildest form of cancer. He did beat it, because after all he is Wolverine, but the point is no one beats the power of the sun. Not George Bush, not Randy Johnson, not Beyoncé, not Wolverine, not even Steve Jobs. Michael Jordan beat the Suns a bunch, but that's just because he actually hates Charles Barkley. Plus Michael Jordan is not beholden to the rules of mankind. Listen to what the Wolverine says and protect yourself from the one true source of life in our galaxy. That way you can not only be safe, but also you get to smell that delicious Banana Boat smell. Mmm, that is one good smell.

Good on Rasheed Wallace for Donating Water to Flint

Former Tar Heel All-America & Piston Rasheed Wallace is driving a truck filled w/cases of water from NC to Flint, Michigan tonight #GoHeels

— Carolina Basketball (@UNC_Basketball) February 4, 2016

Where I first found the tweet on twitter but not directly. Yes that's super confusing but so is proper attribution on the internet. If the internet enrolled at any legitimate college it would get slaughtered for academic integrity violations. However, the internet is super rich, so it'd be able to get out of disciplinary actions just fine. It'd probably not only get out of trouble for plagiarism easy peasy, but end up having a building named after it when all the money settled. Actually there is already a building on every college campus dedicated to the internet. It's called "the library." Sorry, books.

It's cool to hear about Rasheed Wallace donating water to flint. Don't know if the truck's a semi, pickup, or something in between, but the action is nice and the publicity is good. Yes I suppose for Rasheed on some level, but I mean for Flint. Flint needs all the help and awareness it can get right now. Having said that, donating water is great, as obviously people don't have clean water there right now, but that's not the solution. It's like aspirin for a nasty infection. It'll help the symptoms, but it won't cure the illness. Flint needs humongous financial and structural support. Such a sad and frustrating issue. I'm certainly not proclaiming to know how to fix it, though, so these water donations are wonderful and keep them coming.

Unrelated to water but related to Rasheed Wallace: Rasheed Wallace. Haven't thought about Rasheed for a while. What an interesting player in an interesting era of basketball. His Pistons team was good and I will never argue against any team's championship. You have to admit, though, the 2000's was a strange era of basketball compared to the 90's and now. I have lots of thoughts about that timeframe and most of them relate to Kobe, so I'll save them for another time. Probably when Kobe's actually done and we cant talk about how efficient and clutch and yada yada he actually was.

Hey, speaking of Kobe, here's a clip of Rasheed including the Mambo No. 5 (sort-of-hard-to-follow Kobe burn!):

What's Disgusting About Getting Organs in your KFC Chicken

"Marc Nicholls was left repulsed after he realised that what was contained in the KFC bread crumbs was no chicken breast – but what appeared to be a lung."                                                                           Source

Isn't that picture of the chicken in sunglasses cool? I found it by Googling "happy chicken." I'm a sucker for animals in sunglasses. Show me a picture of a dog in glasses and I'll show you a high-five. I used the picture at the top because the actual picture from the article is a little gross to most people. It's exactly what you'd expect, a picture of some spongy lung in a delicious, secret-recipe breaded crust. 

Honestly, I'm not offended, disgusted, or even concerned about the actual breaded lung. It's just chicken parts. Tell me there's not lung or brain or chicken gonads in a McDonald's chicken nugget. There probably is and I definitely don't care. Flavor is flavor with meat. And boy does meat have its flavors down deliciously pat. Just like the deliciously down KFC double down. Get over this stuff, hippies. The way things are mass produced, it's remarkable that this doesn't happen more often, getting other chicken parts in your food. If you don't like your lung just offer it to one of your buddies in the group. Someone will want it. If I was there I'd probably trade a thigh piece for it. I bet this lung was super tasty, not even joking.

What I can't get over though and what's actually disgusting about this picture is the drink. The guy is drinking PEPSI with his KFC. Just imagine. Close your eyes. Well, don't really because then you'd stop reading this, but close your imaginary eyes. Picture a breaded lung. You don't have to tell me your taste buds aren't tingling a little. It's OK, I already know. Now picture drinking Pepsi with KFC chicken. I can see from here that you're frowning in disgust. How are we supposed to take this guy's complaining about one wrong order seriously when we know he himself orders everything wrong in the first place? If he had ordered any of KFC's other delicious drinks with his order I might be able to take him seriously. Sierra Mist, Dr. Pepper, southern-style iced tea, lemonade, water, or even a nice glass of milk. Not Mountain Dew though, that would also be a joke. Washing down fried chicken with Pepsi is disgusting. My brain is struggling to digest the idea just as much as my stomach would struggle to digest the act, an act I think we should make illegal.

Don't be fooled by this man and don't you dare taint your perspective of KFC. KFC is a fine place and they take care of us. They love us, they really do. Don't forget the amazing biscuits and don't forget the delectable mashed potatoes. They'll never forget you.

Plus Norm Macdonald is an excellent Colonel Sanders:

The Only People We Can Trust About Drones Are Birds

As time goes on, I'm continually bamboozled by foreign languages. I am a very smart guy, but for some reason I'm getting real dumb when it comes to being able to recognize if I can or cannot understand a language that I clearly cannot. This excludes rigid sounding, harsher foreign languages, like lots of K and C sounds. However, if anything sounds even remotely English, by which I mean it's for sure not English but my fantastically interesting brain decides hey maybe it is, I will listen to it for many seconds before realizing I am not even close to understanding. It's the worst with music--I sometimes won't realize a song's not in English until it's done. Now that I'm really thinking about it maybe I'm as bad of a listener as my girlfriend accuses me of... The heart of the matter is this isn't in English but they have a bald eagle so you bet your britches this is American. 

I hate drones. I don't like them, I don't respect them, I don't get them, and I don't think there's anything to even get about them. They're not one of those things like beer where you have to try it to get that it rules. They're one of those things like ultimate frisbee where you definitely should never try it because you already know it sucks. I know drones are helping soldiers, farmers, meteorologists, and bee pollinators, but any recreational drone is just a bunch of bullshit. It's another thing that "adults" nowadays decide they should have because they can't just grow up and enjoy non-iced coffee, non-brunch breakfast, having a happy family, and skeet shooting like the rest of us. More toys for these adult-children. I'm hesitant to even call drones toys, because remote control planes and helicopters are toys and they're actually cool. Why don't people fly those around? Why don't we ever see people flying remote control non-drone aircrafts? That's not what we're talking about here, although that too is a great point I'm bringing up.

The real point is that drones are a nuisance and a threat. When it's just some guy in the park flying one with a GoPro on it, it's super annoying. The guy also looks really stupid doing it. One, because he's showing everyone how much money he willingly wastes and two, because the act of standing with a remote control and looking up into the sky makes you look like a moron. That's just adult-children hobbyists, though. Drones interfering with planes and potentially even attacking people are legitimately dangerous and need to be stopped. Am I a hypocrite saying this knowing that's what a huge amount of our military operations right now are? Yes. But I acknowledge and struggle with the fact that our US drones do a ton of damage to innocent people. We need to solve that problem at war and we sure as hell need to prevent it here. I'd say drones are just completely untrustworthy.

So that's why birds are the only people we can trust about drones. Birds rule. I respect birds a lot. They live in the sky but still choose to spend time with us down here on land. How humble and noble is that? Birds see super well, they control pests, they eat snakes, they're sustainable, they hardly use any gasoline at all--birds are just great. Birds are trustworthy. Except pigeons, those arrogant bastards strut around on the sidewalk with us peasants, mocking us by disregarding the gift of flight. Just for the chance to eat some bread. Don't get me wrong I love bread, too, but I wouldn't give up flying for it. Imagine if ostriches and penguins knew about what pigeons are doing. It's downright despicable.

We've got to show our continued respect to birds and let them take care of these drones. Birds are the sages of the sky so let's let them clean it up. Give them as much bread as they want for the task, too. It's the least we can do. At the end of the day, bald eagles are the only real flying intel we need. Drones will never be what eagles are. Let's get back to what makes freedom great and put our faith back in eagles.