Katy Perry Only Interested in Antiquated “Till Death Do You Part” Model of Marriage

Source - Although Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom’s relationship is going along smashingly, the Hollywood power couple won’t be getting married until they’re ready for an antiquated, permanent union, HollywoodLife.com reports.

“Katy is only interested in getting married if it is forever,” said the exclusive source, confirming any suspicions that Perry has faith in an old school model of marriage where one is forever dedicated to their marital partner and probably only that partner, unfortunately. As unfounded as both that model of marriage and believing in it may seem, the source adds that “[Katy] has been down that road before and it didn’t work out so she doesn’t want to rush into something that may crumble in the future,” assuming proper consideration and patience in the now can actually create a relationship foundation that will last in the time to come.

The allegedly swooning lovebirds are really, really taking their time with it, too, as they’ve already been dating for several months, none of which included a hurried trip to Vegas to tie the knot as we all might hope and expect. Perry is so serious about genuine commitment that she even recently flew to England to meet Bloom’s mother, a classic courting move popular all the way up until the airplane’s invention.

However committed to being committed Perry might be and even though “her relationship with Orlando is great,” the source still notes that “[their relationship] is not near forever mode just yet,” potentially leaving the door open for either or both to still develop scandalous secondary romantic interests. Hopeful future opportunities for salacious gossip include Perry’s former boyfriends Travie McCoy, Josh Groban, John Mayer, and her ex-husband Russell Brand, as well as some people for Bloom, too.

For now, it seems Perry and Bloom are simply happy together and happy not rushing their relationship toward what she hopes to be an eventual, final, and unbreakable bond: a bond of matrimony that is also called marriage. Marriage which for now, thankfully, “isn’t in the discussion” between the two.

President Obama Nominates Merrick Garland for Supreme Court As the Ultimate "The Ball Is In Your Court" to the Republican Party

NY Times "WASHINGTON — President Obama on Wednesday said he would nominate Merrick B. Garland as the nation’s 113th Supreme Court justice, choosing a centrist appeals court judge for the lifetime appointment and daring Republican senators to refuse consideration of a jurist who is highly regarded throughout Washington. Mr. Obama introduced Judge Garland to an audience of his family members, activists, and White House staff in the Rose Garden Wednesday morning, describing him as exceptionally qualified to serve on the Supreme Court in the seat vacated by the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, who died in February. The president said Judge Garland is “widely recognized not only as one of America’s sharpest legal minds, but someone who brings to his work a spirit of decency, modesty, integrity, even-handedness and excellence. These qualities and his long commitment to public service have earned him the respect and admiration from leaders from both sides of the aisle.”

Of all the news we're bombarded with during both an election cycle and in the modern era of moronic cable news network 24-hour coverage, Merrick Garland's Supreme Court nomination is actually huge news. We all know that the GOP has dug its spurs in the dirt to oppose any nomination President Obama makes before he's done in office. The GOP cites comments previously made by Democrats when they opposed President George H.W. Bush's potential Supreme Court nomination close to the end of his presidency, comments largely attributed to Joe "Credit Where I Guess Something Is Due I Guess" Biden, a man who might be long known for something--either his nonstop yelling at Paul Ryan during the 2012 VP debate, being on Parks and Rec, that Lady Gaga Academy Award anti-assault segment, or the period early in this current presidential candidate cycle when many liberals were pleading for him to run because they feared the GOP would easily win with any candidate they ran against Hillary. Well, despite the 1992 anti-Supreme Court nomination precedence the Democrats set, the joke is on the Republicans here. First off because look at how that easy Republican victory looked now via looking at Trump vs. Clinton. The RNC candidate selection is going to be a nightmare. Moreover, though, the joke is on the GOP because President Obama is calling their shot and playing their game. He's not just calling it, he's calling one-hand-only, both feet on the ground, three feet behind the corner of the 3-point line, hookshot. Then, as the ball is just about to roll off his fingertips, he calls "bank." The ball thud-swishes with authority.

Obama's nominating Merrick Garland is the ultimate "ball in your court" move against the GOP. They thought they finally were going to get a letter off of President Obama, but now it looks like they're going to pick up the "G" in "Pig." All the Republican party has done the last 8 years is whine and try to stop everything Obama has done. Instead of trying to get a bunch of productive stuff done, even with a sizable majority after colossal 2014 midterm election victories, the GOP has just sat in the kitchen that they own, whining about what's for dinner instead of taking the keys to the Suburban that they also own and going out to eat wherever they want, which they can do because it's their credit card, too. They've as a party accomplished little and instead of unifying during a down-Democratic-period where they could reinvent the party to excite and ignite everyone from young to old conservatives have just sat down on the couch at 12:45 on a Thursday afternoon to watch Maury with Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell. "The results of the baby are in... Trump... is not your child!"

President Obama is calling the GOP out and playing their game by nominating Merrick Garland. Merrick Garland who, by the way, has some pretty great qualifications. In addition to his enticing, proven record as a moderate judge, Merrick Garland has former explicit Republican support. "Judge Garland was confirmed to his current post in 1997 with the support of seven sitting Republicans: Senators Dan Coats of Indiana, Thad Cochran of Mississippi, Susan Collins of Maine, Orrin G. Hatch of Utah, James M. Inhofe of Oklahoma, John McCain of Arizona, Pat Roberts of Kansas" (NY Times). He's also been described by President Obama as having "an independent mind, unimpeachable credentials and an unquestionable mastery of law." In short, Merrick Garland is not only qualified for the Supreme Court, he's also thought to be so on both sides of the ever-widening divide. If the GOP for whatever reason in the name of sense and census-ability blocks Merrick Garland's nomination, they won't just have maintained their own ineffective status quo, they'll have reached for the remote to turn up the volume on Maury because they're actually fans of something pointless and damaging.

Obama has rolled the ball into the Republicans' court.

http://i.usatoday.net/communitymanager/_photos/the-oval/2012/03/12/obama-hoopsx-large.jpg

Hopefully someone who has any understanding of the game gets to take the shot instead of Mitch or one of the other 14%-from-the-floor shooters.

March Madness is the best.

The Meaning of Life is Having A Best Penguin Friend

"Every year, a Patagonian penguin travels 5,000 miles for a heartfelt reunion with the Brazilian fisherman who saved its life. The kindhearted 71-year-old fisherman, Joao Pereira de Souza, first met the Magellanic penguin in 2011 when it washed up on a bed of rocks, starving and covered in oil. De Souza spent a week nursing the endangered bird back to health, giving him the name Dindim. The penguin wouldn’t leave the fisherman’s side when he attempted to release him back to the waters, instead living with him for 11 months. Once the penguin grew its feathers back, it disappeared, only to return a few months later. “Everyone said he wouldn’t return but he has been coming back to visit me for the past four years. He arrives in June and leaves to go home in February and every year he becomes more affectionate as he appears even happier to see me.” Dindim spends eight months of the year hanging out with his human soulmate on a beach outside of Rio de Janerio and is believed to spend the rest of the year breeding off the coast of Argentina and Chile. Adorable video of the the pals shows Dindim honking and flapping its wings at the sight of de Souza and giving the elderly Brazilian man sweet pecks on the cheek. “I love the penguin like it’s my own child and I believe the penguin loves me," de Souza told Globo TV, according to The Independent. “He lays on my lap, lets me give him showers, allows me to feed him sardines and pick him up.” Experts believe that Dindim thinks de Souza is “probably a penguin.” “I think the penguin believes Jaoo is part of his family ... when he sees him he wags his tail like a dog and honks with delight,” said biologist Professor Krajewski, who interviewed de Souza for Globo TV." Daily News

The above text is long but it's nothing compared to this penguin traveling 5,000 miles to see his Brazilian fisherman friend. The story is wonderful, arguably perfect. Man finds penguin. Man saves penguin. Penguin and man become best friends. Penguin becomes fully healed. Penguin leaves. Man goes about his business catching fish. Penguin comes back some months and half a world later. Man and penguin are closer than ever. Man feeds penguin fish. Penguin brings the most beautiful women in all Brazil to the man in return for the fish and friendship. Man and penguin have it made on a beach in the sun. This story's just the exact opposite, happy version of The Old Man and the Sea. Hemingway's life might have sucked, but in the end it looks like it was worth it (I suppose his literature counts somewhat, too) considering it created this man's story with his penguin, the yin to Hemingway's yang. 

For everyone who wonders 'What's the meaning of life?' or 'How do you achieve true happiness?', this is the answer to both questions: become genuine best friends with a penguin. There are no down sides. The penguin is awesome on all accounts. His permanent attire is chill for beach parties and formal for fancy dinners. His waddle-walk will make anyone laugh or swoon, meaning not only will no one ever be mad at you, but also you'll always be having a good time. When you want to swim, he'll swim. When you want to walk, he'll walk. When you want to crap out white bird uric acid, he'll crap out white bird uric acid. When it's hot, he's happy with Brazil. When it's cold, he's happy with Antarctica or Vancouver or wherever. When he needs some alone time, he takes it--and always comes back, happier than ever to see you.

I'm not saying penguin is man's best friend, that spot is still rightfully reserved for the (not small) dog. I'm just saying that a penguin is what we're all working for here and life isn't as good as it can be until you have your own penguin. Imagine having both a black lab and a penguin. That's what everyone in heaven is doing. Just walking around on the beach, throwing a tennis ball out into the surf for their dog, enjoying the silence with their penguin. People wonder if you're still with your spouse or what age you are in heaven. It doesn't matter. Because you have a dog and a penguin.

Also, I understand that by this theory it means Adam Sandler's life in 50 First Dates is technically heaven. I'm OK with it. The only difference is instead of having a dog, he has Rob Schneider, which actually maybe is pretty much the same thing. 

Jon Voight's Endorsing Trump Makes It A Mission Impossible

LOS ANGELES — Hollywood legend Jon Voight has endorsed Republican Donald J. Trump for President of the United States. In an interview with Breitbart News Tuesday evening, the Oscar-, Emmy-, and Golden Globe-winning actor said: “I’m not someone who’s saying he’s the best of this group. I’m saying I like this guy.” “He’s an answer to our problems. We need to get behind him. The Republicans need to unite behind this man. We need somebody to go in and reconstruct us in a sort of way, get us back to where we were, who we need to be.” Breitbart News (Haven't you heard of it)

Earlier today Carly Fiorina endorsed Ted Cruz and just when it seemed that nothing would top that monumentally significant endorsement, Academy Award winner Jon Voight endorses Trump. Jon's a legend who put the H in Hollywood. That's why he's just a "Jon" John--he gave that much of himself to what was formerly called "Ollywood". Jon's known for all kinds of great work: Midnight Cowboy, The Champ, Deliverance, Coming Home, Enemy of the State, Holes, Anaconda, and so much more, including Angelina Jolie. Of all his excellent works, though, the most significant is Mission Impossible. Spoiler alert: if you haven't seen Mission Impossible yet, things aren't as good for you as they could be. It's an awesome movie and the reality is Ethan Hunt would trump James Bond in a fight, the trumping hence Voight's endorsement of Trump.

What does it mean for Jim Phelps (his character and Tom Cruise's character's boss in the movie) to endorse Trump? A whole lot. Jim is the head of a secret spy and intelligence group, so he knows his stuff. Phelps's being an incredibly accomplished man in a vastly important field and endorsing Donald Trump means that Trump is truly the guy. No one knows security and global decisions like intelligence operatives, so therefore Trump is the best Presidential candidate.

It's especially huge for Jim Phelps to endorse Donald Trump because Jim is dead, having been killed at the beginning of the movie when the mission failed--wait, if Jim is dead, that makes him a ghost... A ghost endorsed Donald Trump? Holy crap it all makes sense now, that's why that other Mission Impossible movie was called Ghost Protocol. Wow, huge for Donald Trump to win over a very high-up ghost's approval. Wait, but Jim also wasn't dead--HE WAS A TRAITOR! Crap, that means a guy who actually was trying to kill Ethan Hunt and screw him over just endorsed Trump. Does that mean Trump is Ethan Hunt in this situation? No, wait, Tom Cruise is Ethan Hunt, so Donald Trump is--NO, WAIT AGAIN, Phelps did actually die, he got killed in that sweet helicopter chase explosion. So does that mean Phelps is or isn't a ghost? Did the mission actually ever go through? Is the endorsement real? Did the endorsement actually happen? It seems Jon Voight has made Donald Trump... A Mission Impossible.

Hit it!

Spoiler alert alert: if you think that James Bond is better than Ethan Hunt, then why have so many different people had to play Bond but only our man Tom Cruise has needed to play Hunt? Also, James Bond is British. 

Spoiler alert alert spoiler: if you say "well what about Jason Bourne?" I will remind you that Matt Damon played that guy. Also, Matt Damon as in Ben Affleck as in the new Batman vs. Superman movie as in case in point, point for Ethan Hunt.

Jacksonville Is The New Place To Be For Football

Free agency hasn't even technically begun yet but some big moves have already gone down in the NFL. Two of the biggest names in FA this year are headed to Jacksonville, Florida to be Jaguar cats.

"Defensive end Malik Jackson confirmed to ESPN's Josina Anderson on Tuesday that a report he is leaving the Denver Broncos to join the Jacksonville Jaguars is true and he has agreed to a deal with Jacksonville." ESPN

Also:

Two huge additions to Jacksonville. Let's not forget that we're talking about a Jaguars team that also has Julius Thomas, Allen Robinson, Allen Hurns, T.J. Yeldon, Blake Bortles, and a group of guys who stand in a variety of spots during what's supposed to be the defensive portions of games. Bortles had a pretty big year last year, regardless of if he has small hands or not, which he does. Moving forward, I guess it looks like things are kind of interesting in Jacksonville next year after these big additions. I mean, why not? Right? Might as well be. Also, to be fair, Jacksonville is in the AFC South, or as it's also called, the AFC's NFC East.

These free agency moves ask the question: why Jacksonville? The answer to which is partly: why not? I mean, I've personally never been to Jacksonville, but that doesn't mean I won't ever go. No, other stuff is why I won't ever go to Jacksonville. But being the objective person I am, I thought I'd check out what it is about The City on the Sea, which is not at all Jacksonville's nickname, that attracts these big name players who like money a whole lot. Guess what? I found out. Keep reading if you want to know. If you don't really want to know you can stop, that's fine. Anyway, a quick search shows why Jacksonville is in fact the Shining Star of the South, which it is factually not called. 

Two reasons to "Jack Yourself Off," which is not at all what the Jacksonville Inter-travel Relations Association For Financing Economy, or J.I.R.A.F.F.E. for short, uses as a slogan to boost tourism. Also, J.I.R.A.F.F.E. is super not real.

1. Jacksonville is the largest city in the continental United States with over 840 square miles. Visit Jacksonville

2. Bestselling author John Grisham stays in Jacksonville frequently, usually in the Old Sea Turtle Inn in Jacksonville Beach (now renamed One Ocean Resort). The inn was featured in his novel The Brethren, along with Pete's Bar, a local establishment. About Jacksonville

Jacksonville is the place to be for football because it's geographically huge and John Grisham goes there. John Grisham always knows where the story is, therefore the story is in Jacksonville. Also, since it's a big city, the story of Jacksonville is consequentially a big story. If a big story isn't what football is all about, then football is all about nothing, because football is all about a big story, which is what football is all about.

There it is: Jacksonville, Florida, the place to be for NFL football.

Also, Jacksonville is known as The Bold New City of the South, so none of my guesses were that unrealistic or crazy, huh?

El Chapo Snuck Into the U.S. Twice. What Did He Do?

"Escape artist and drug kingpin Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán made two furtive visits to the United States last year while he was on the lam, his daughter has told the Guardian in an exclusive interview. Rosa Isela Guzmán Ortiz, 39, a U.S. citizen, said her father sneaked into California to visit her in late 2015 at the large, five-bedroom home he purchased for her and her four children, the location of which was not disclosed. According to the Guardian, Guzmán Ortiz owns a chain of small businesses, but she insisted that any money she received from her father was clean. Asked how her father managed to cross the heavily patrolled U.S. border with Mexico — whose alleged porousness has become a major theme of leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump — Guzmán Ortiz declined to answer. “I asked him the same, believe me,” she said." Washington Post

Of course El Chapo snuck into the U.S. Of course snuck is a better word than sneaked. El Chapo is movie-grade villain, both in terms of the crimes he committed and how easily and how often he escaped. He had a network of tunnels to snuck all over the place and a network of people on the entire spectrum of authority to facilitate said snucking. Regardless of how hard people were trying to catch him, El Chapo was able to get pretty much anywhere he wanted.

This is the key point: he could go pretty much anywhere he wanted. Why did he go to his daughter's house, then? This one's easy. El Chapo just wanted a little downtime in his own house. Every working man just wants to be able to enjoy his house every once in a while. Although it's El Chapo's daughter's house, he bought it for her, so it's kind of technically his, too. I'm not saying El Chapo is like an honorable working man. I'm just saying he's a guy who happens to do work and owns a house. Therefore, when exhausted from an extensive business trip, which for El Chapo is evading most worldwide policing and investigative agencies,  he just wanted a day in his domicile.

What did he do while at home? The guy is filthy rich. He has committed all kinds of unspeakable horrors and has terrifying worldwide power. He could have anything he wants. He often has had anything he's wanted. But El Chapo didn't have a lavish party, or a heated affair, or a jello-filled swimming pool, or anything crazy like that. He was just at his house with his daughter and grandchildren. He was home.

El Chapo walked in the door. He left his shoes on. His daughter yelled at him for wearing his shoes in the house. El Chapo took off his shoes. He caught up with his grandchildren for a while until they ran outside to play, which was perfect timing because he couldn't listen to whatever the hell they were talking about anymore. He ate some heated up leftover lasagna, which wasn't that good but was also great because it was his lasagna in his own refrigerator. He took his pants off in front of the washing machine and dropped them right on the ground. He went into the living room, which he had totally forgotten was painted yellow three months ago. He sat on the suede couch, a couch he hated but had no vote in buying. He was wearing just his T-shirt and dirty tighty whiteys. He turned on the TV to try and catch up. It was all a bunch of stories about him on the news. The news made El Chapo mad because they reminded him of work. He turned the channel to TBS where a movie was already halfway done. He called his daughter into the living room and asked her to take off his socks for him. She said no. He asked again in a more childish, cuter voice. She said no again and left. He was all disgruntled and took his socks off himself. Then Eva Mendes said something heartfelt to Will Smith and El Chapo remembered how good the movie Hitch actually is. He got sucked in for the jetski part, which ran until the next commercial break. During the commercial break, El Chapo went from sitting on the couch to laying on the couch. Two commercials later he was sawing logs. An hour after that, his daughter gently touched his arm to wake him up. He about fell off the couch when he woke up as if he was having a heart attack because that's how men wake up from naps. His daughter reminded him that he had to go. El Chapo asked if his pants were clean. His daughter asked him what he was talking about. He said God damn it I left them in front of the washing machine didn't you see them? She said no that's not my job. She said wash your own pants. El Chapo was disgruntled again and asked if any of his other pants were clean. His daughter left. She brought back in a different pair of pants El Chapo forgot he even had. They were comfortable pants he really liked and he was over not having his other pants. His daughter also said there were some Girl Scout cookies on the counter and that he could have some before he left. El Chapo cautiously asked if they were Cranberry Citrus Crisps because he hates those ones but his daughter loves them so she buys them. She said no they're not Cranberry Citrus Crisps. She said they're Peanut Butter Patties. El Chapo got excited because he forgot that flavor even existed, much like the comfortable pants he was wearing. He ate four Peanut Butter Patties. His daughter said goodbye. She said that she loved him. He said you too because he was going through the refrigerator and was clearly not paying attention. She was a little annoyed but was used to this sort of thing. She asked what he was looking for. He said the milk. He said how the hell do we not have milk? He said milk is like the only thing I ever think to get when I'm at the store. She said it's on the door. He said oh, sorry. He poured himself a glass of milk. He drank the milk. He was surprised at how good it was. He said is this whole milk? She said yes it is whole milk. She said they had stopped drinking skim milk because the additives to make it fat free are actually worse for you than just drinking regular milk fat. He said awesome. He said I love whole milk. He said I can't wait to come back soon. Then El Chapo gave her a hug. He left.

As promised, El Chapo came back a second time, half to see his family again and half because he wanted to see if they were still buying whole milk. They were still buying whole milk. El Chapo did the whole routine again. This time he even got to see a different part of Hitch, a part he both forgot about and forgot that he loved, just like that one pair of pants and Peanut Butter Patties. He hugged his daughter. El Chapo left again. He later on wondered why Girl Scout Cookies aren't for sale year-round. He then wondered if they actually were for sale year-round now? He wondered if he read that somewhere. El Chapo hit his head on a low-hanging beam in his escape tunnel because he wasn't paying attention while he was wondering about Girl Scout Cookies. He said son of a bitch that hurt because it hurt when he hit his head on the low-hanging beam. A bunch of marines above ground heard El Chapo say son of a bitch that hurt. They eventually caught him after a chase of sorts. El Chapo has had that pair of tighty whiteys for about seven years now.

IHOP Forever Changing Lives, Changing Twitter

"IHOP is running its annual National Pancake Day campaign until the big day, March 8, when the chain gives away free stacks of flapjacks and asks patrons to donate to a good cause. This year, proceeds will go to Children's Miracle Network Hospitals, and the brand's goal is to raise $3.5 million. 

Interestingly, the Glendale, Calif.-based company is using personalized Promoted Tweets that include GIFs and Twitter users' names in each ad. IHOP is employing the platform'sTailored Audiences feature, targeting approximately 7.3 million users, according to a rep for the company.

To zero in on such a group in a personal way the brand, working with agency MRM//McCann, set up 37 custom audiences based on 20 popular names and their derivatives (e.g., Christopher or Chris). 

Christopher, celebrate #NATLPancakeDay w/ a FREE short stack & an invite for a friend! https://t.co/PABtlkznck pic.twitter.com/1fFQdOYTaz

— IHOP (@IHOP) March 1, 2016

While other brands like Coke have used Tailored Audiences, IHOP appears to be one of the first to combine the users' names with GIFs. It worked particularly well Thursday when #GIFparty was trending on Twitter all day." Adweek

Everyone knows that lumberjacks made the world as great as it is. I'm not even just talking about the American world here, I'm talking about the earthen one. Lumberjacks took trees and made them into all things wood: houses, rocking horses, basketball courts, vampire-killing stakes, skateboards, bar tops, and everything else in the whole wide wood. If it's wood, it's thanks to a lumberjack. If it's not wood, it's nothing. Suck on that, plastic! Not you though, metal, you're OK. Things have been hard enough for you ever since the last 10 years worth of music killed the electric guitar. What will you do about the state of metal, President Obama? You've pulled the steel wool over all of our eyes. Anyway, lumberjacks conquered the wild and gave us all a purpose again, a purpose that of course ended the moment people started drinking tea. Do you know who didn't drink tea? The lumberjacks. They were too busy having oxen and making the lakes of Minnesota. Too busy making paper towels. Too busy making plaid and beards, both of which all these plastic-worshiping hipster boys (they are not men) have hijacked. Too busy drinking coffee and eating pancakes. Yes, pancakes. Pancakes are the basis of lumberjacks, and therefore the basis of the entire world, the international world.

That's why the International House Of Pancakes is so incredible: they make pancakes, which make progress. As if this isn't enough in itself, IHOP is now aiming to raise $3.5 million for Children's Miracle Network Hospitals, all through donations given to them after they give free pancakes to us. Honestly, it's one of the most awesome causes and such an awesome way to go about it. Good on IHOP. They're putting the butter and syrup of excellence on top of the pancake empire that they've already created. So get out there on March 8th, eat some pancakes, donate some money, then go be your own lumberjack. It's the least you can do for all that IHOP has done for all of us.

IHOP has also forever changed Twitter. Sure, it's not their technology, this personalized gif-business, but it also is theirs, because they're the ones using it. Like pancakes, IHOP didn't invent personalized tweet gifs. However, also like pancakes, they have revolutionized it. Just when it seemed that IHOP had reached the syrup ceiling, they pull down a secret staircase of flapjack stairs. It leads right to heaven. Twitter will never be the same and it's all thanks to IHOP. So, as always, thank you IHOP. The world is better because of pancakes. The world is because of pancakes. The world is pancakes. The world revolves around the sun. The sun is a hot ball of restaurant butter. It's a pancake universe and we're all just living in it. Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes. It's not even a pancake job. It's a pancake party:

RT to RSVP #GIFparty pic.twitter.com/Qyetd3DXoL

— IHOP (@IHOP) March 3, 2016

If You Charge Your Crappy Kids Instead of Kicking Them Out You're A Bad Parent

"CHICAGO (FOX 32 News) - One mom had enough of her son's freeloading, so she took things into her own hands. Reddit user "Chalipo," who is a full time student, recently spent just over a year living with his mom. But little Chalipo apparently wasn't appreciative enough of his mother's generosity - and she had enough! So his mother sent him a bill for all the charges he racked up while living with her.  Among the utility, food, cleaning, and other household charges, was a $1,000 charge for "being an asshole and not appreciative of [his] mother's support, financially or otherwise." 

First off, if Fox Chicago or any other news network is going to start writing "stories" about Reddit posts, we're all screwed. It's one thing for phenomenal internet writers (bloggers, if you will) to write about whatever we ("they" if you don't like my honest self-assessment and inclusion) want, but newspeople need to check themselves on this one. There's certain clear lines that exist in society and people need to be more serious about not crossing them. I'm all for breaking a lot of the rules out there. That's why I'm a phenomenal man and a total maverick. However, some lines just aren't meant to be crossed, for good reason. Crossing them is how you go from having Mitt Romney to Donald Trump as a presidential candidate. I'm very right about this one.

No, the video up top has nothing to do with this stupid story. The story makes me mad and the Birthday Boys sketch makes me happy, so I included that. Also, it's the first thing that came to mind when I thought about someone getting kicked out of their home, which is exactly what should have happened if this mom was actually mad at her kid.

Being a badass, good parent doesn't mean charging your "asshole" kid; it means laying down the law. This mom was totally just looking for some internet love. Well lady, here's the attention you wanted, but none of the love: you're a bad parent. Do you think it's cute to bill your crappy kid? Do you think it's funny to do so? It's neither. If you want to teach your son some rules and respect, kick him out of the house. Everyone wants to be cool to, wants to be friends with their kids. They're wrong about it. You need to be the GM and President, not a sideline assistant to your children. Am I best friends with my dad now? Yes, yes I am. But that's only after fearing for my life around the man for most of my life up to this point. Constant threat and reminders of power kept me in line, made me the walking picture of excellence I am today. It wasn't monetary threat, it was actual. "I made you, boy. I can end you, too" was my anthem growing up. That is how you do it. If your kid is a crappy, unappreciative asshole, kick him out. That'll get the wheels of change rolling. Charging them a fine will not. If that worked, people would stop speeding after they get tickets, or turn down the music when someone else didn't want to party, or not grill out in the backyard all day, every day, or stop all touchdown celebrations. Being and raising a winner isn't a bureaucracy, meritocracy, or anything even possibly choice-based. It's Divine Right. What am I talking about? Shut up and sit down. We're going bowling.

Survivalist "Preppers" Will Be The First To Go In An Apocalypse

"With increasing headlines of “doomsday” scenarios, more people are preparing for the worst.  Chicago groups have popped up training people how to survive any emergency. Waysun Johnny Tsai, who leads the C.U.M.A Survival School says, “I see a lot of new people, a lot of beginners but now it’s very popular because of a lot of panic and fear that social media creates.” Although the CUMA training focuses on extreme emergencies, he is urging people to develop at least a basic emergency plan." WGN

Woodsmen, farmers, engineers, ex-Boy Scouts who've already survived that stuff... There's a lot of people in this country who would be OK in a real, large-scale emergency. I hate to say "apocalypse" because people get real excited about zombie, vampire, and virus plots nowadays, but for the sake of what these "Preppers" are prepping for, let's call it an apocalypse. If some sort of apocalypse happened, the Preppers would be the first to go.

First, these eager beavers are so excited to brag about what they think they're learning when they pay to get some silly training in the park on a Saturday morning from a guy with earrings and jacket patches. They think this makes them real people of the wild and they're stoked about it. They think this training is the same as what soldiers or mountain men get, which it is sooooo not even close. However, they're convinced it is the same, which is why they're probably telling all their other ferret-owning friends about it all the time. So, when an apocalypse hits, they're gonna rush right out to try and make a shoebox fire or eat some brown ground berries, which they'll say isn't shit, even though it is. They'll make a basic mistake right away and die either on the spot or slowly, painfully, expectedly.

Second, these Preppers think there will be zombies. They might not be aware of it, but there is no such thing as zombies. There might be zombies in comic books and video games, but what the Preppers don't understand is that even though their worlds are comic books and video games, the real world is not. Therefore there aren't zombies in the real world. People who think there will be zombies will get killed super fast and super embarrassingly. In an apocalypse situation, they will eventually try to engage someone in combat, believing them to be infected. Said suspected infected person will see that they're being attacked by a dork; have a moment where they think 'What is this sad person doing to my arm--oh wait they're kind of hitting me, I guess, even though they're also struggling to lift that shovel off the ground'; engage the struggling dork; and either fatally injure or give the dork a heart attack. That or if there are actual zombies, which again, there won't be, the zombies will overcome the Prepper with tremendous ease.

Third, their names are the Preppers. I can't type or read that without trying to make it "peppers." The only threatening peppers is Julius Peppers. Any Prepper is on the complete opposite end of the toughness spectrum as Julius Peppers. As a result, whereas Julius Peppers will be OK, the Preppers will not be OK. I'm willing to go so far as saying "Preppers" is one of the worst, least-tough names this group could possibly give themselves. It's worse than people who dress up in big animal costumes calling themselves "Furries." Actually, Furries might have a better chance of surviving the apocalypse than Preppers, because people might feel bad for Furries and leave them be. Except for the crossover people who are technically both Furries and Preppers, which might be a significant portion of Preppers. Those people will be super duper dead.

Fourth, and this one is probably the most key, look at these guys. Case and point. It's like a crew of Dwight Schrutes running around but they're some sort of anti-Schrutes, because Schrutes would obviously be leading the real survivors in the event of an apocalypse. We all know that.

Is this all harsh and unwarranted? No. It's the truth. If these guys are really that set on being ready to survive an apocalypse, they need to know where they honestly stand. Preppers: you aren't even standing. You're lying down in the dirt. Get up while you still have time before you're buried in the dirt.

While I'm up here looking down, I also need to say that there's no chance I'm dying in an apocalypse or Purge sort of situation. I'm too disinterested in standing out in an emergency and have spent too much actual time in the woods to be realistically threatened. I've seen Jeremiah Johnson too many times to not have a 100% survival rate. It's like a game seven situation, score's tied, one second on the clock, and you pass the ball to Jordan. Except he's not there because Jordan's long-left the arena, knowing an apocalypse is about to hit. I'm Jordan in that situation. Jumpman flying all the way out of dodge.

Kid Embarrasses Chicago by Giving Pope A Soccer Ball Instead of Anything Hockey

"...in late February, a dozen of the letter writers — including 8-year-old William Morkin, a second-grader at St. Francis Xavier School in La Grange — went to Rome to meet with the pope. "It was great," William said. "I gave him a soccer ball. He really likes soccer." William brought that red and blue ball with the Chicago Fire crest all the way from home, according to his dad, Michael, a lawyer. "I've got pictures of the pope with his hand on my son's head and my son hugging him, and my son giving him the soccer ball, and him laughing and throwing the ball up in the air," Michael Morkin said." Chicago Tribune

I'm so mad about this kid giving the POPE a Chicago Fire soccer ball. It's embarrassing for our wonderful city. I'm not mad at the kid, he doesn't know any better. How could he, because his parents are obviously morons. Who's raising their kids in Chicago to be avid Fire fans? Chicago is a great sports town. We got a lot of great teams. However, our identity is the Blackhawks. The Chicago Blackhawks are one of the greatest teams in sports, not to mention history, not to mention an ongoing DYNASTY. They're phenomenal and have been so good to us all. Why would you turn your back on them when you're face to face with the POPE!? I'll tell you why. It's because this kid's parents are raising him in one of these alternative, "he'll be so unique aka actually let's just sneaky try to get him into an elite private school someday" schools of thought that churns out losers. Losers like the Fire, who were the worst team in the league last year, I'm sorry to say and be objectively correct about. I am not calling this kid a loser--he's a fricken' kid, I bet he's great. No kid is ever to blame. I'm just saying his parents need to change course now and turn the turf into ice. Shame on both his parents and shame on craft breweries. This kid needs a Happy Meal and a hockey stick before it's too late.

Also, we're talking the pope here. I'm not Catholic myself, but we all know that the pope is God's walkie talkie in Catholicism. Guess what? Especially in the light of Spotlight's Academy Award, people aren't too keen on the Catholic Church in the last 10-15 years. So what's a better opportunity to show some success, perhaps a little faith outside the Faith, than giving the pope a Jonathan Toews jersey or a Joel Quenneville signed puck? I don't care how much the pope likes soccer. He's wrong. Hockey is the way of the light, the way of the future. Soccer doesn't have the power play, doesn't have hits, doesn't have speed--and it's wrong for it. This was a golden opportunity to show the pope the great sport of hockey, which would in turn open his eyes in all new ways and make our awesome city look that much better. Instead, this kid's parents had to go and blow it for all of us. It's unfair to all the work our entire team, Coach Q, Stan Bowman, and everyone else in the whole organization has done.

Well, we might not have the pope's chalice, but at least we have Lord Stanley's Cup.