Big Data Lies About Top Dog Names for 2016

"With National Dog Day just days away, petowners across the country will soon be celebrating man’s best friend. But it appears many of those best friends have something in common – their names. Social media app Nextdoor released its annual report of top dog names across the country and by breed.The top dog name in the U.S. this year was Bella, followed by Lucy, Max, Daisy and Buddy. Buddy moved up on the list compared to last year, claiming the fifth spot on this year’s list. And Sadie jumped up to take over Maggie for the no. 9 slot." NBC

If there's one thing everyone knows, it's that Nextdoor releases an annual list of top dogs names. If there's two things everyone knows, it's that Nextdoor releases an annual list of top dog names and that Nextdoor is just another big data company manipulating us all to buy some kind of product or another. If there's THREE things everyone knows, it's that: Nextdoor releases an annual list of top dog names; that Nextdoor is just another big data company manipulating us all to buy some kind of product or another; and that Nextdoor's 2016 list of dog names is actually just another one of those list of baby names from this year because these aren't dog names. No dog has any of the following names:

Source: Nextdoor

I don't know what big data aka Nextdoor is trying to get us to buy with this list, but if I had to guess, it's probably new children's toys based on one of the new thousand or so upcoming animated movies. These names aren't dog names-- they're Disney names. You can't fool me, Nextdoor. No fake list can get me to buy cool new toys. Only a good movie can. Which reminds me, I LOVED Finding Dory and really would like to get a stuffed animal of Gerald, the hilarious sea lion:

http://www.gannett-cdn.com/-mm-/2fcfd13ba05e5d0f335ce08405db4556f2bf497a/c=335-25-2860-1923&r=x408&c=540x405/local/-/media/2016/06/17/USATODAY/USATODAY/636017737514796866-finding-dory-k225-34cs.sel16.cmyk.122.jpg

Now if there's FOUR things we all know, it's that Nextdoor releases an annual list of top dog names; that Nextdoor is just another big data company manipulating us all to buy some kind of product or another; that Nextdoor's 2016 list of dog names is actually just another one of those list of baby names from this year because these aren't dog names; and that this is what the actual list of top dog names for 2016 is:

10.  Fido

9.   Scamp

8.   Scrappy

7.   Scooby

6.   Buster

5.   Air Bud

4.   Doggy

3.   Here Doggy-Doggy

2.   Sparky

1.   Yeah-We-Just-Couldn't-Stand-The-Thought-Of-Injustice-In-This-World-So-To-Do-Our-Part-We-Saved-Him-And-We're-Totally-Not-Heroes-It's-More-Like-He-Saved-Us-That's-What-This-New-Tattoo-Here-Is-For-It's-For-Him-We-Just-Love-Him-So-So-Much-Now-I'm-Going-To-Show-You-Photos-Of-Him-In-A-Dogpark-Making-Friends-Because-This-Is-How-Incredible-People-Like-Us-Who-Live-In-The-City-Live-Our-Lives-Also-Do-You-Have-Eight-Bucks-So-I-Can-Get-Another-Cup-Of-This-Amazing-Coffee-I-Claim-To-Be-Sustainable-And-Locally-Sourced-Even-Though-I-Have-No-Idea-How-Coffee-Is-Actually-Produced-Hey-Have-I-Showed-You-My-New-Bike-I-Saved-It-From-A-Junkyard 

Are Aerosol Bug Sprays Actually Meant to be Used as Flamethrowers?

ABC "Fire officials in Centralia, Wash. say a resident sparked a small fire in an apartment while trying to kill cockroaches with a homemade flamethrower. KOMO-TV reports that fire crews were called to the apartment on Monday morning after receiving a report of a commercial structure fire. By the time firefighters arrived, the resident had extinguished the flames. No one was injured. A preliminary investigation found that the resident was using bug spray and a lighter to create a flamethrower for killing cockroaches. That sparked the fire. It's not clear whether any cockroaches were actually killed in the process."

Cockroaches. They can't be stopped and they're always there, even if you don't notice them. Just like Carson Daly. Everyone knows that cockroaches are invincible. They say the only two things that would survive a nuclear fallout are cockroaches and Twinkies. That's why cockroach vs. Twinkie will be the pay-per-view matchup of the century. My money is on cockroach because cockroach can simply eat Twinkie. However, if the Twinkie cowboy guy from the box--who appears to be a living, cartoon Twinkie riding a dead, non-cartoon Twinkie, which is both confusing and a little messed up--is involved, my money is on Twinkie via Twinkie cowboy guy. Cockroaches are invincible and no one can beat them. However, the matchup cockroach vs. Twinkie is so compelling because the same is true for cowboys. They're invincible and no one can beat them. Except for the Dallas Cowboys, who give a bad name to cowboys everywhere.

First off, flamethrower is a pretty generous term for a flame created with bug spray and a lighter. About 95% of boys have tried this at some point in our--I MEAN THEIR life and I don't think a one of us would call it a flamethrower. That's the intention and the ideal, but it simply isn't such. Flamethrowers are awesome and super sweet. If you don't wear it on your back like a jetpack, it's just not a flamethrower. This is more like the flame equivalent of a water gun. A fire gun, if you will. Oh, wait, a flamethrower is kind of like a fire gun... That means bug spray and a lighter is a flamethrower, ipso facto. Very cool.

This begs the question: are all aerosol bug sprays actually meant to be used as flamethrowers? Sure, Raid and other contact-killer bug sprays shoot out a refined stream that is meant to kill on contact. However, that's technically chemical warfare, which--last time I checked--is illegal according to the Geneva Convention. And I haven't checked that in a while. Ever, in fact. So, since those cans are sold legally but using them as such is illegal, does that mean that the cans are actually meant to be fuel for flame to actually kill the bugs? Flamethrowers aren't chemical warfare, so therefore they aren't illegal in that capacity. Plus, flamethrower is a powerful Pokemon move, so then it surely must be OK, because nothing in video games is ever illegal or wrong or a bad example. 

<Insert picture of Grand Theft Auto here> 

Based on these examples and this incredibly sound logic, that must mean that all aerosol bug sprays are meant to be used as flamethrowers. That means when you're a boy in the backyard by the burn pit trying out different aerosol cans as flamethrowers you're totally right in always having your Super Soaker on hand, too. Having a Super Soaker around all the time is just smart from a safety perspective. And from a fun one, too.

Boy, what great news for boys everywhere, and just in time for the final months of summer.

Classless Girl Scouts Announce Not One but TWO New Cookies

BREAKING: A new cookie variety is joining the mix - Girl Scout S'mores! https://t.co/Zodwi3KS83 #NationalSmoresDay pic.twitter.com/eMrPvpW6Yh

— Girl Scouts (@girlscouts) August 10, 2016

Girl Scouts "We’re excited to announce that today, National S’mores Day, we’re celebrating 100 years of Girl Scouts selling cookies by introducing the new Girl Scout S’mores™ cookies. That’s right! We’re combining two iconic Girl Scout traditions—s’mores and Girl Scout Cookies! Joining legendary classics like Thin Mints® and Caramel deLites®/Samoas®, the new Girl Scout S’mores™ cookies will be carried in select markets during the 2017 cookie season.

And it gets even better! As a nod to the different ways people “s’more,” the new variety includes two versions: a crispy graham cookie double dipped in a crème icing and enrobed in a chocolatey coating and a crunchy graham sandwich cookie with a chocolate and marshmallowy filling. The cookies will be the first new addition to the Girl Scout Cookie lineup since 2015."

The Girl Scouts of the United States of America are a great American institution: they educate, empower, and unite young woman all while maintaining an emphasis on fun and good values. Not only is their full name, which is The Girl Scouts of the United States of America, rather American, but their extreme and unparalleled capitalist successes are, too. Few things are as American as wearing a green beret and making a bunch of money off of desserts.

However, the GSotUSA demonstrated a lack of class today. Yes, their cookies are world champions, cookie gold medal winners, if you will, but to announce new cookies today, during the Olympics? Classless. We can eat and champion Girl Scout cookies the other 364 days a year, but today is the Olympics. It's a day about celebrating America. The Olympics only happen for one day, once a year. How about you get out of the spotlight for once and let the world's greatest American athletes have it, GSotUSA?

As if that's not enough, the GSotUSA have announced not one, but TWO new cookies, both of the S'More variety. The Girl Scouts are saying "We want to crush the competition. We want to be on top of the podium, and we won't stop there because we'll want to win Some More. We'll make S'More cookies. We'll win S'More medals. We'll be S'More the best. Yes, this is the oldest and most overused cookie joke of all time. But you know what? We'll make S'More jokes, too. Because we're the best. Cookies." Is it controversial? Well, the Girl Scouts say they always can do, and you sure can't spell "controversial" without some of the letters found in "always can do" as well as a few other words, one of which should probably have a "V" in it. 

They're Olympic rings, not Olympic cookies, Girl Scouts. The colors are Red, White, Blue, and Gold, not Green and Tan. Show a little more class next time and save your delicious cookie announcement for one of the other days of the year, one of the regular days celebrating American excellence. A day like Columbus Day, Memorial Day, or Independence Day. Any other American day but NOT the Olympics. This day is about American sports. Or maybe even make your announcement during the Super Bowl.

Boy, cookies sure would be an awesome Super Bowl snack.

Another Bad Day for Soccer, Emirates

Video shot inside an Emirates airplane moments after it crash-landed shows chaotic scenes https://t.co/Hnk5R6yeZ7https://t.co/jQvJ76WI8h

— Reuters India (@ReutersIndia) August 4, 2016

Reuters "Amateur video taken inside a crashed Emirates Boeing 777 shows chaos as passengers try to grab their luggage from overhead compartments while one woman, apparently a flight attendant, shouts at them to evacuate the plane... All 300 passengers and crew were safely evacuated from the plane, though one firefighter was killed on the ground. Authorities said they were investigating Wednesday's crash, which occurred after the crew apparently attempted unsuccessfully to abort a landing."

Soccer. The Olympics are here and it still can't get a break.

We all know those super cool, worldly guys walking around wearing Fly Emirates "jerseys"--a jersey despite the fact that it has sleeves but no pads--talking about their favorite "sport" team while the rest of us are just hanging out, trying to have a good time.

"No man, soccer is my favorite sport. It always has been. And Emirates is my favorite team. Well, we call them clubs in the football world. What's that? Oh that's funny, no, we don't say soccer. That's just what you Americans call football. The rest of the world calls our sport football. Oh, yeah, I mean I am American too yeah, but my perspective totally changed that one term I spent studying Spanish in Madrid that one summer. Anyway I'm just the biggest Real Madrid fan. You could even say that I'm the REAL Madrid haha... Wait, where are you guys all going?..."

We all know that guy. And of course it would be just his luck or his PK or whatever it's called in soccer that his beloved "Fly Emirates" slogan took a nosedive on him.

Fortunately all the passengers and crew survived the crash, because if not, it would be absolutely maddening knowing people were clamoring for their material things during the crash and that that contributed to any loss of life. Lose your stuff. Leave it all behind, it's an emergency. We'll get you a new computer so you can get back on Facebook. What we can't get you is a new Facebook when your current one is shut down because you are dead. There's no extra time at the end of a crash to account for stoppage when your life itself is stoppaged. You've watched grown men fall down on the field acting like something's wrong for years, now is your moment where something actually is wrong so you should be ready for it.

Finally, unfortunately a firefighter lost his life in the aftermath, Jassim Essa Al-Baloushi. Firefighters are never safe on the job and it goes to show that even when it seems like a situation like this may be less severe or even safe, it isn't. Always use proper precaution to the full extent throughout the entirety of an emergency.

Also, soccer is not a real sport.

Nature Tried To Take Two of the Human Race's Finest Today In Its Own Sick Version of Pokemon Go

ENCINITAS, Calif. — Two men apparently fell from a cliff above a beach near San Diego on Wednesday while they were playing Pokémon Go, according to KSWB. The men were playing the game in Encinitas when they fell more than 75 feet to the beach below. According to officers, the men got distracted while trying to catch Pokémon.Crews at the scene used a rope to rescue one of the men. Neither man was seriously injured. Fox

When will nature stop? You read about this kind of stuff and it just makes you sick. For all we do for nature, all we do for this planet, all we do for its animals and ecosystems, all nature ever does is take, take, take. Shame on nature. These two fine gentlemen are just walking along, near the edge the world where land meets the ocean, playing Pokemon Go--just as God intended us to do--when all of a sudden BAM: a cliff comes out of nowhere.

Cliffs don't just appear willy nilly like that. Cliffs aren't just an accident. Cliffs are there on purpose. That means someone put that cliff there.

That asshole nature put a cliff there.

Thank goodness these incredible individuals survived, too. These heroes truly deserved to live, so for as hard as nature tried to take--no, steal--their lives from them with its sneakiness and aggression, it's great to see that nature didn't get a win, for once.

Nature might not have Pokemon Go, but that obviously isn't stopping it from trying to create its own version of the game where it captures and collects people. Sorry, nature, but that's not how it works. We make the rules around here so you better get your crap in gear and follow them.

As far as punishment goes, hopefully they will at least blow that cliff to smithereens with TNT or even a drone strike, if it's too dangerous for other innocent people to even get near it. Destroying this cliff would be a small victory for people, but it won't be enough. We'll hopefully be able to get some good legislation or at least internet rage going in nature's direction, too. Then we'll see who tries to kill who, nature!

If that all doesn't work, then we'll just have to send in our own Cliff to try and get back at nature:

http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/13a5351e-7ba4-48f5-92c3-3a7a81fb170c/ab643294-fe1a-4c25-8179-0896efc4114c.jpg

Walmart Is A Hard Place

Everyone likes to talk about how bad Walmart is for America and the American people, even though EVERYONE shops at Walmart. If you don't, that's great. Good for you. You should be proud of yourself for avoiding it. Also, you're a complete liar. You shop at Walmart, you bastard who so willingly supports the demise of this great nation and all that we stand for. 

For as much as we all like to rag on the store, the sometimes low-quality products, and those who make up the Walmart culture (see: People of Walmart), I don't think anyone would deny that working at Walmart sucks. You're kind of like a babysitter in a giant playground for industrial-sized condiments, bins of DVD's no one wants to watch but still buys, and rascal-driving lunatics. Your job is to facilitate all the happenings of Walmart. Yes, a job's a job, but still, Walmart is a hard job. Walmart is a hard place. 

So imagine what the employees felt like when they looked over and saw that someone had set off the entire fireworks display. 'Well, at least it's not another call to clean up someone's diarrhea all over the bathroom walls.' Or 'Better get the AED ready, one of these people in here is undoubtedly going to have a heart attack now.' Or most likely 'I bet someone's still going to try to buy and even return those fireworks even though they're done.' Just a total bummer for those workers and for sure a top-five least enjoyable "clean up on aisle three" situation. Worst of it all is they for sure didn't even get to close down the store while dealing with the situation. Walmart just Walmarts on, 24/7, fireworks going off or not.

Finally, of course this is the best thing to connect to the situation:

KFC Flavored Nail Polish Will Forever Change the Relationship Between Man and Dog

WGN "HONG KONG — Fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken is branching out to finger-licking fashion with a new line of flavored nail polishes. The limited-edition nail polish will come in Original Recipe and Hot & Spicy flavors. It can be applied like normal polish and tasted as soon as it dries, according to a statement by the company posted online."

There are two things that transcend the species barrier between man and animal: friendship and the delicious flavor of fried chicken. Everyone and everything likes making and having friends. However, for as good as friendship is, nothing is gooder than fried chicken. No one should let love, lust, money, or anything of the sort ever get in the way of a good friendship. But fried chicken is better than all of those temptations, so it's OK to let fried chicken ruin a friendship. Fried chicken is so good that chickens will never be able to understand true happiness unless they fry and eat themselves. It's a sad and crazy truth that raises a separate, important question: if one were to eat oneself, would one be twice as big or completely gone?

The only friendship that can thrive and even become stronger by delicious fried chicken is that between man and man's best friend. The canine loves us all for everything we are, despite everything we are: moody, sloppy, loud, inconsistent, moist, and best of all, constantly covered to some degree in food. In exchange for providing us undying loyalty, love, and happiness, all that dogs ask of us is to let them lick our fingers. Well, they don't ask it, but they do it. It's a beautiful thing. As if our symbiotic friendship with canine's isn't already perfect, which it is, now it's going to be something so amazing, so wonderful, so strong, so pure, that we don't even have the right word for it. This is because no single word can describe how good this KFC-flavored nail polish will make our relationships with dogs. Only a combination of words can do so.

It'll be finger lickin' good.

Aeropostale's Bankruptcy Means Now None of Us Will Ever Finally Get to Make Out

"Fashion retailer Aeropostale filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection early Wednesday in a New York court. The company said it would move quickly to close 113 of its 739 U.S. stores and all 41 of its Canada stores." USA Today

Aeropostale is bankrupt and closing down, which is a huge loss for tight t-shirts, frosted tips, pierced ears, hemp necklaces, and Sam Goody. It's devastating for the company's 14,500 legitimate employees and probably a lot of let's just say less-legitimate employees in let's just say certain specific parts of the world. However, it's brutal for young heartthrobs across the entire universe. 

Now that Aeropostale is done, we have nothing to wear to the roller rink or mall. If we can't wear a super tight shirt with the word "Aeropostale" on it, a word we all know means hot, single, cool, and totally DTHH, then we don't have anything to wear out at all. If we don't have anything to wear out, then I certainly can't go out. If I can't go out, then I certainly won't get that opportunity to prove I'm DTHH. If my hands will never get held by some cutie, then I'll never get to make out.

Yes, Aeropostale's bankruptcy means none of us will ever get to finally make out with someone. It's a dream come true. That is if your dream is a no-make-out nightmare. 

This hopeful heartthrob's heart just stopped throbbing. If you need me, I'll be washing down my sorrows with a big old cup of Mr. Pibb while I'm typing away the pain on AIM.

There's honestly only one total hottie in the whole world who'll be able to pull through this loss:

We've Finally Found A Way to Control Seagulls: Tunas

I do not like seagulls. I do not respect seagulls. They're everywhere. They're loud. They're cocky. They snag bread from the sky like it's their day job. Their job is to snag bread from the sky. They have mean, beady eyes. They're not even funny to see like pigeons, who I also do not respect. Worst of all, seagulls get to go to baseball games whenever they want and even get on the field. They are bread and baseball thieves. Yet no one does anything about them. Seagulls never get ejected from games, unlike the benevolent streaker, who is never allowed to go on the field, even if he too is just trying to get some crumbs, which we all know is all any streaker ever wants.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating we kill seagulls, because it's not like they're pure evil. However, I've always wished there were some way to take them down a few pegs. Well, we've finally got it. We've finally found our ally in the battle against seagulls.

The tunas.

Tunas are the chickens of the sea. You know who probably hates seagulls? The chickens. But you know who we never hear about when it comes to seagulls? The chickens. The tunas aren't just our allies, then, they're also the chickens' allies. Nothing ever before has rattled a seagull's inflated ego as much as the tunas. Imagine being a seagull, all rude and cocky, then all of a sudden it's dark, wet, and you're zooming around. Before you can even squawk the word "bread," you're floating back to the surface--you were underwater!?!?--then you get to that sweet, sweet air and you're not dead. You think you're going to be the jerk seagull you've always been at that point? No way. You're going to be a changed bird.

Good on you, tunas. Thanks for getting our backs. We're totally still going to eat you all the time, but now we know that you do good for us always, all the time, not just in our bellies. Hashtag team tunas. T4L: tunas for life. Thanks for the tunas.

The #WhatsYourGoal Videos Show How Amazing The Whole Chicago Blackhawks Organization Is

All of these #WhatsYourGoal videos are just phenomenal and show how amazing the entire Chicago Blackhawks organization is. So many teams have so many issues at so many different levels, from NCAA programs constantly in scandal (hey Rick Pitino and all those escorts!) to FIFA as an executive whole ($ > ethics and maybe even the lives of workers in Qatar) to the Dallas Cowboys, who suck all the way from the bottom to the top (see: Jerry Jones, Greg Hardy, and [lack of] playoff success). Even though the Blackhawks aren't without issues (the Kane assault allegations last season only recently declared "unfounded" were a major distraction, to say the least), they are such a cream of the crop organization. This video made me so happy and excited about our team. The best coach in the league went to a senior home with pretty much the entire Blackhawks broadcasting crew and put on a pickup hockey game. Yes, it's filmed, but it's not about publicity. The Blackhawks actually care about the fans, community, and sport at large. That's why they do so much. Look how happy all of the players in this "old time hockey" game are. It's just so overall nice and fun. I've watched this video five or six times now and every time it gives me the goosebumps and makes me all tingly. Go Blackhawks baby, that's the stuff! 

Also, I found out about this video from my dad. He called me this morning and told me to watch it ASAP. I love how much the Blackhawks light everyone up, even my dad who's out on the road for work yet still squeezes it in.

Also also, one of my biggest fears is getting old. Dying and/or being old terrifies me deep at my core. These seniors in this video are having so much fun, are so happy, and look so good, though, that I'm not as scared about it. What a blessing to still be so physically and mentally with it in your later years. Good for them. They're pretty inspirational about staying healthy. I bet if you sat down with these guys and cracked into a case of Old Style they'd have some world-class stories. They look like a great bunch.

Also also also, no, we're not winning a lot right now, but people need to relax about the Hawks. This team is too good to doubt. It's not the playoffs yet and Coach Q has a plan. He always does and it's going to play out. Trust in the plan. 

Also x4, all of the #WhatsYourGoal and other BHTV videos are just awesome and touching. Each one's well worth checking out:

I love this team. We're coming at you again this year, Lord Stanley!