Goodbye Calvin Johnson. Stud. Face of the Lions. Detroit's Pride. But Zero Rings because Detroit.

This is a great picture. He was/is a great player. Nothing but props, respect, and admiration for Megatron. My only wish is he was nicknamed Godzilla or even Megazord, cause man the Transformers franchise is meh at best. I digress. I digress.

OK, first thing's first, how in the heck does sports news break so fast before teams officially declare stuff? Obviously that's the foundation of most of a sports news network's existence, being ahead of the official blurbs, but still, how do they do it so fast. These damn "sources," I tell you. They're like the Spider and his network of secrets in Game of Thrones. "Sources" report that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is actually Dale Earhardt Jr., the son of Dale Earnhardt and Amelia Earhart. "Sources" confirm that Sammy Sosa changes color depending on time of year and longitudinal positioning. "Sources" tell everyone what everyone already knows in that LeBron completely runs the show in Cleveland (at best it's a second-place show).

So once again, "sources" say that "Detroit Lions star receiver Calvin Johnson told his family and a close circle of friends before the past season that 2015-16 would be his final season in the NFL. He delivered the same message to coach Jim Caldwell the day after the regular season ended, sources told ESPN." Oh look, now I have to make a goddamn source to attribute it. Unlike all of these reporters and sports news outlets, who can just say that their source is a source. What? Who the hell told ESPN about Calvin's alleged departure? His mom? Dad? Someone in the close circle of friends? His dog? Jeeze it seems like it would be shakier than it is, the way this constant news breaking before official news officially happens is. Look at the official Lions' source. Nothing on there as of Sunday about Calvin retiring. I just want to know who the real source is. Or what the real source is. At least when you click on my sources I take you to where I heard it. There ain't no hyperlinks on ESPN or anyone else's sources. It's downright sorcery.

Moving on from my awesome rant, Calvin Johnson was the man. NFL single-season receiving yards record holder at 1,964. 731 career receptions. 11,619 career yards. 15.9 average yards per catch for his career (which is just insane, so so good). 83 career touchdowns. Also he's 33 feet tall with a 50 yard wingspan. Man's just a football machine, a total beast. 

It'll be really hard for Detroit not just on the field, but as a franchise. He is the Detroit Lions. No matter how good they were (which was never great) or weren't (usually), the Detroit Lions always at least had a point of pride and a major threat in Calvin Johnson. It seemed like doubling defenders up on him didn't even matter because he could snag balls from anywhere. The sad part of Calvin is he only ever got to the playoffs twice in his career. He's gotta be leaving now knowing that the franchise is once again swinging back toward a regular double-digit loss column team. Poor guy, never ever had a shot at a ring in the Motor City. I always figured he'd eventually leave Detroit and go win somewhere else. It's actually pretty cool that he'll retire as a one-team player. As hard as losing Calvin Johnson will be for the city of Detroit, at least they have that career dedication from Calvin, as well as all the other great play he gave them.

Finally, here's my objective image-reaction-analysis of what losing Calvin Johnson immediately looks like for Detroit.

The Quarterback:

Source: https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/staffdaww.gif?w=650

The Coach:

Source: https://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/usatsi_8836034_153192880_lowres.jpg?w=1000&h=667

The other receiver:

Purpose.

A photo posted by Golden Tate (@showtimetate) on Jan 31, 2016 at 11:10am PST

The Owner:

Source: http://image.mlive.com/home/mlive-media/width620/img/lions_impact/photo/18926251-mmmain.jpg

"Shit. We're in deep, hot shit."

And now from the lens of a Packers fan... The best QB in the league and also devision and his best receiver, AKA the soon-to-be-back humongous overall and also biggest divisional threat:

https://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/uspw_66625701.jpg

Finally, what this will now allow King Clay to do on 75% of plays against Detroit:

Source: https://giant.gfycat.com/TheseThirdLark.gif

"Oh wait there's nothing to worry about downfield now I'll just go get that guy in/out of the pocket all the time."

This isn't about the Packers trolling the Lions though--that's what 99% of their matchups are for.

It's about Calvin Johnson. There are always plenty of hot flashes in the pan when it comes to NFL receivers. Some of them fizzle after one season, most after a short few. But Calvin Johnson was a stud in each and every one of his nine seasons. He will truly be missed. He was truly feared and respected. He's a great guy off the field, though, so I'm sure we'll still be seeing lots of highlights from Megatron.

(Final note--if this is one of those instances where the fricken sources are wrong, I stand by all my Calvin praise but will ensue with even more Packers trolling.)

People Are Just Dying to Rip on Jay Cutler

(Initial source)  Here's the first half of an obituary recently published in the Chicago Tribune: 

"Elizabeth Porter Bowman, 78, of Northbrook, Illinois died peacefully January 9, 2016, surrounded by her children. Betsy was an elementary school teacher and later a tutor, but her passion and focus was being a dedicated and involved mother and grandmother. She was a woman of loyalty, integrity, opinion, curiosity and intelligence. A lifelong fan of the Cubs, Blackhawks and Bears (except Jay Cutler)." Source

*                                                                                  *                                                                                         *

I do not know Elizabeth Porter Bowman, but I bet she was just an awesome woman. She's got a long list of family she loved. She was a Special Olympics supporter. She went by Betsy, which is definitive proof of being excellent. Also, 78 is a long, lucky time to be on this planet. I always say I'd be happy to make 70, especially if I have a little bit of spunk left in me at the end like Ms. Bowman seems to have had. 

This disregarding of Cutler is simply great. Everyone takes everything and themselves so seriously nowadays. You can't say or write anything without owing someone out there an apology. So many people are actively looking to be offended about stuff that it's not even half-empty or half-full, it's how-dare-you-appropriate-glassware-culture-on-me. But who can't you be mad at? Who for sure doesn't owe you or anyone else an apology? A dead old lady. You can be mad at me for saying it, but you can't be mad at her. Cause she's dead.

Jay Cutler gets a lot of crap. I'm a Packers fan, so I've certainly dished plenty heaping piles of it on him in my spoiled lifetime of having two of the greatest quarterbacks ever. However, in the last two or three years, I've sometimes felt a little bad for him. Blagh blagh that's so arrogant of you, Luke, but honestly, how can anyone put up with as much ridicule as he has for an entire career? I don't actually know anything about him as a person but we all see the pouting, tears, and interceptions. I do know he has a little dog, so take that into consideration. Actually, never mind what I said about feeling a little bad for him. Jay's earned it all.

How awesomely brutal is getting an anti-shout out in some lovely old woman's obituary? Nothing my beloved Aaron Rodgers or King Clay Matthews can ever do will be as undeniable or just as this. No, it's not that scalding of a burn (simply saying "lifelong fan of... (except Jay Cutler)"), but it sure gets the job done. I don't know which team God is a fan of (especially considering how overwhelmingly frustrating it must be for Him to constantly be hearing fan prayers and getting pointed at by players on His own fricken day of rest), but I bet when Betsy meets God, He'll give her a high-five and a good laugh. I know what Jay will look like when he hears about Betsy's burn:

And if you do actually feel bad for Jay Cutler, that's fine. He's a normal person, just like the rest of us:

Source: http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/fp/Kristin+Cavallari+Jay+Cutler+Walk+Flips+Off+jdGoBkHl0N-x.jpg

A normal person, just like the rest of us, huh?

Golden State is the Best and They're Not Your Friend, Either

The Warriors won again tonight, 125-94 against the Bulls in Chicago. I'm a Bulls fan, always have been, always will be. They spoiled me as a kid but I still love them now. Even though that's my team, I have no hard feelings against the Warriors. Actually, I really admire and respect them. Which will sound hypocritical, because the reason I admire and respect the Warriors is because they admire and respect no one other than themselves and their own thirst for a bunch more titles. They're not out on friend-patrol like the rest of the league (excluding San Antonio, which makes a lot of sense). LeBron is buddies with everyone and everyone is buddies with everyone else. How is that in any way competitive? It's not, it's not a winning attitude. It's just silly and turns me off from most of the contemporary NBA. Not the Warriors, though, they're out there talking about the champagne smells and scoring more than half as many points as the Dow Jones went down today, which was 249. See you later, parents' retirements!

Here's today's DJIA graph:

Look familiar? Here, let me help:

That's Steph Curry's, Klay Thompson's, hell, anyone on the team's shooting arc right now. Just filthy good.

What are you supposed to do to stop the Warriors? Double pinch Steph in the corner so he can't get off one of his seemingly invincible three pointers?

Nope. Doesn't work. At all.

How about hanging tight to slow down their perimeter and make their big guys have to square up against yours?

Negative. It won't slow them down at all and also their big men will beat yours. They'll not only take your lunch money but they'll demand interest on it, too. Brought a sack lunch instead? Nice. Say goodbye to your Snack Pack. Dunkaroos, too. And while you're at it, cut the crusts off your sandwich before you give it to the Warriors, because that's not the way they eat their sandwiches. But that's not how everyone else eats their sandwiches? Too bad. Golden State is changing the sandwich game entirely. Michelle can't even tell these guys how to eat their lunch.

The Warriors are doing some nasty stuff out on the hardwood and it's fun to see. Meanwhile the Blackhawks are on a 12-game win streak as they too defend their championship, which is phenomenal, but it's different because hockey is still pure in the we're-not-friends department. I'm not trying to compare the Warriors and Blackhawks or basketball and hockey. I'm just saying I love watching Golden State going for it the way they are amidst everyone else in the NBA vying for Instagram posts, shoe deals, and collaborative commercials.

The Western Conference Finals between San Antonio and Golden State are going to be the real NBA Finals this year. Lord Stanley might even watch them.

The More I Think About It, The More I think the 49ers Are Perfect for Chip Kelly

Or maybe rather Chip Kelly is perfect for the 49ers. 

I do not like the San Francisco 49ers. They beat the Packers too many times in the three year period where they were a pretty scary team to play, the Harbaugh years. Also, the five or six 49ers fans I know went in that period from being fans of a horrible team to super self-righteous, all-deserving fans at the flick of a switch. I understand that after years of being a silly sad team, you're gonna be happy when you're finally good again. But the indignation and snootiness was just too much for me. San Fran, man, or "SF" as they all call it. The "S" stands for smug:

I do, however, like Chip Kelly. Yeah yeah there's all kinds of controversy said about him, but let's not forget he's simply polarizing. His players either love him or hate him, maybe a few guys in the middle. I hate Oregon, another team that's beat Wisconsin too much for my liking, but I like Chip. His college offenses were and for the first two years his pro offenses are fast, fun, and exciting. I like old school smash mouth football, but I also like fast football. I think I maybe just hate the wildcat. More importantly, though, I like Chip Kelly ever since he did this:

This is so fun and I like fun, so therefore I like Chip. I also like pools. Above ground pools suck, but a pool that sucks still is a pool, so it rules. It's like having to settle on an ice cream flavor. It's still a good time. Except rum raisin. That's gross by universal grossness standards. 

So why do I think he's perfect for Smug Francisco? Well, Jim Harbaugh did great things there but was gone despite no real lack of success. That was because Jim didn't get along with Jed and Trent, the owner and GM. Also, his name is Jed York--every time I read it my brain struggles, because it wants to read either "Jets New York" or "Jeb." Nothing against the man for his name, just it always gets me. Anyway, the 49ers are hungry to win but Jim was too stern or whatever for management. They then got Jim Tomsula, who was a little less stern and old school, but he got fired after one year for an embarrassing overall performance, although to be fair it was his first season and one with a depleted team. On top of that, 4 starters retired last year, notably Patrick Willis and Wisconsin stud Chris Borland. Then the 49ers had the whole Aldon Smith thing. The guy's just a complete mess off the field, yet he gets fresh starts constantly, which he blows. Aldon Smith is rum raisin ice cream. I don't care how much some people say they like it, just stop putting it in with the other flavors. If you keep stocking rum raisin, it'll eventually kill someone in its next DUI.

Chip Kelly is enough stern but also enough cool (Jim Harbaugh is cool, but in a much different way) where I think Jed and Trent Baalke--makes me think of the Balkan Islands, how could it not--will simply like him more, which is the complete opposite of how the Eagles felt about him. Jed and Trent will give Chip the benefit of the doubt in those sort of situations in the opposite way Harbaugh got it, which was more of a "we expect not to like you, Jim" way. They look at Chip in a "we do now and expect to continue to like you, Chip" way. The Eagles looked at Chip how the 49ers looked at Jim. What a nice change this'll be for Chip. Maybe San Fran will be his Michigan, whatever the hell that means.

Finally, Chip had to pull apart the Eagles roster to get it to be a team he thought could play in his scheme. The 49ers are already so pulled apart from the retirements and other losses that he won't lose favor by canning guys. They just have to go get the guys Chip wants. It's not a major difference, but the 49ers don't really have anything to lose by doing it. Whereas the Eagles management, with their multitude of Super Bowls, couldn't wait another year after two seemingly promising 10-6 seasons to get it going... Oh Philly, it must be hard. For as fierce as an Eagle's claws are at catching fish and small animals, they sure as crap can't hold on to a football catch. 

The Bay area loves new ideas, objectively way too much, and they love fast, finesse offenses, based on the Warriors' success. Chip is headed into an environment that will give him a chance and hopefully a little time. Worst case scenario it doesn't work and he goes to work for Google trying to help them implement speed by heading up their fiber optic efforts. Then San Francisco would only have to wait out the end of their super smart commitment to Colin Kaepernick. 

The NFL sure makes finding videos you want easy:

Ben McAdoo is PC Principal from South Park

"Giants hire Ben McAdoo to replace Tom Coughlin"

Source

Who is Ben McAdoo? A guy who's worked his way up the coaching ranks pegging along for years, from high school to college to NFL low level assistant/coach to NFL offensive coordinator and now to head coach of the New York football Giants. What do I know about him? Not much beyond that. He worked under Mike McCarthy for a while and then Tom Coughlin, so he at least has studied under some high end, successful coaches. No idea how he'll do. He does have some huge shoes to fill after Tom Coughlin. Huge, orthopedic-insert, velcro-strapped shoes.

Also, the guy's 38, which is wildly young. How young is it? Young enough where he could still realistically be in a post-collegiate fraternity... Sound familiar? Sure as hell looks familiar. Ben McAdoo IS PC Principal from the newest season of South Park. He did pretty well in South Park in his first season, maybe he'll do just as well in New York:

Bill Belichick's Magic Act

There's plenty of people in the sports world with entertainment doppelgängers: Adam Schefter and Paul Rudd; Ron Jaworski and Lewis Black; Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps; Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy; Andy Reid and a walrus:

Source: http://41.media.tumblr.com/8bd8f0cf10e25bf3a9efe0e6e31aae8d/tumblr_mm72x8RZro1splqw3o1_1280.jpg

But the pairing I see the most is Bill Belichick and Teller of Penn & Teller. For one, they look a lot alike. Just look at them.

They also both usually don't speak. Bill speaks at media days and press conferences, but only because he has to. Teller speaks on a few of his shows, but only because he has to. Neither of them speak when they're at work on their master-crafts. 

I'm sure both are accused of worshipping the devil by people who either don't understand or are jealous of them, too. Bill is also great at illusions, and Teller also totally knows how to shut down Indianapolis regardless of who's at QB. Both are powerless against the Giants in the playoffs.

More than any of these similarities, they're both gurus within their fields. Teller isn't just a phenomenal magician, he's also a magician buster. In Penn & Teller: Fool Us, he and Penn watch magic acts that other magicians have put all their time into and reveal if they've figured the act out, if they can expose it. If the other magicians can stump the duo, they get to perform in Vegas as a reward for fooling the best. The other magicians are simply trying to outsmart the #1's.  

There's some great coaches in the NFL, but only one of them is the Penn & Teller of the league: Bill Belichick. He sees right through other coaches' acts, regardless of how much time the other coaches had to put into them. He's seen all the tricks and can think so fast on his feet that if something does seem new, he figures it out right away. If they do manage to beat Belichick, which statistically speaking happens about as infrequently as Penn & Teller are fooled, they don't get to go to Vegas, but usually on to the next round of the playoffs. Belichick isn't unbeatable, just real hard to get past, exactly like Teller.

Are either Teller or Belichick doing real magic? No. But to both the untrained and trained eye, it sure looks like it. That's why it's so captivating to watch either of their performances.

Teller does have Penn, to be fair. Does Belichick have a Penn? Uh, kind of:

It's Very Great that Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn are Engaged

"Are Olivia Munn and Aaron Rodgers engaged?!"

...

"... yes, the Packers' quarterback popped the question to his actress girlfriend."

Source: http://www.jsonline.com/entertainment/aaron-rodgers-olivia-munn-are-engaged-report-says-b99650078z1-364970651.html

Earlier this season when it looked like there was a little mold on the cheese in Green Bay, stories started popping up about how Olivia Munn is bad for Aaron Rodgers. Aaron was looking a little off, so there had to be some reason why. Who has more influence on Aaron than his receivers, offensive line, and his play caller? His incredibly attractive girlfriend, of course. She's the reason the offense was stagnant. 

My own Mom, God bless her fiery Wisconsin heart, said she questioned whether Olivia was messing with Aaron's head and testosterone levels. Perhaps a touch of Hollywood was tainting the pocket.

However, my Grandma assured her that that just wasn't the case. "If Aaron's happy, it's always a good thing." The matriarch had spoken, wise and correct as always.

I couldn't agree with Grandma more. If Aaron is happy, success will come. Did he look happy at all this season? Absolutely not. Never when we saw Aaron. Which was on the field. A field that had a bunch of guys in non-green and gold colors breezing past his big guys up front to try and murder him. A field that saw his receivers either unopen or dropping balls. A field being called by Tom Clements, for some reason. A field without Jordy. Oh, sweet Jordy, please come back.

But we don't know crap about how happy he was off the field. Call this preposterous and Aaron-worshipping, but whenever Aaron is in a video with Olivia (even as much as perhaps I'd like for some of those not to be out there), whenever he's photographed with her, whenever she's talking about him on talk shows which she does a whole lot, he looks happy. And why wouldn't he? Olivia Munn rules. She's gorgeous. In all kinds of stuff. Talented. Charming. She even lives part time in Green Bay. How many other Hollywood people are willing to do that? It's just crazy to think she's the reason he played less than his normal fantastic--coming down to a level that was still objectively good. How many teams wouldn't have taken the off-year Aaron had over what their QB's did? 

Gisele is good for Tom Brady. Brenda Warner is good for Kurt Warner. Ashley Thompson is good for Peyton Manning. And HGH is good for her. If a QB's happy, its a good thing. Why would he not play well if he's happy? Let's let it go and support ARodg. Maybe this is enough good news for him to keep it rolling on the field against Arizona this Saturday. Especially now that Davante is out. Oh Davante, this just isn't you year, is it? 

It certainly is Olivia and Aaron's, though. Congratulations to and happy for them. Great news.

Blackhawks Extend Grandmaster Joel Quenneville through 2019-2020

"Chicago Blackhawks head coach Joel Quenneville has extended his contract with the team for three more years, through the 2019-2020 season."  

Source: http://wgntv.com/2016/01/12/chicago-blackhawks-extend-joel-quennevilles-contract-for-3-more-years/

Everyone is having a fun time following the stories about the jackpot billion something dollar lottery and fantasizing about what they'd do if they won. It's something less fantastical here in Chicago, though, as we've already won the lottery. In fact, we won and took the big hunks of money over many years plan instead of the partial sum at all at once plan, like other alleged "winners" have done. Our young guys, our ability to recover from having to dish out former stars and guys we love, all our successful developments with prospects, and, of course, Coach Q. It's all just millions on millions at a time for the Blackhawks. Good thing it all fits in one big, silver cup. Rather three big, silver cups. Extending Joel's contract is the extra 0.4 on the already 1 billion jackpot.

Can you think of an easier decision than keeping Coach Q around through 2020? All we're doing is waiting until then so we can give him even more well-deserved money to adjust to whatever the hell has happened with inflation and the economy at that point. FDR was the last president to serve more than 2 terms. In 1951 they passed the 22nd Amendment to limit the term of US Presidents to 2. Normal laws just don't apply to Joel Quenneville, though. He and his mustache are too genius to be limited like that.

Nick Saban is the King. Alabama is Unstoppable.

This is Nick Saban's life. The man's body is saturated in electrolyte's nonstop because all he does is win. 40% of Gatorade worldwide has been dumped on Nick Saban. Which is a ton if you consider 20% of Gatorade is drank in the first 2 and a half weeks of January when New Year's Resolution "gym rats" workout for 20 minutes a day for 20 days in a row before throwing in the towel until next year's shame-goals kick back in. It's a good thing, too, because Nick Saban needs all those towels to wipe all the Gatorade off himself.

The poor guy is such a dynamo that he must be the coldest person in the entire south. How can he wear windbreakers and jackets like he does in the Alabama heat? It's because at any given moment, Nick's about to get doused with a mixture of 10 gallons of sports drink/sweat in commercials for said sports drink and about 6 pounds of ice. When we talk about climate change, we have no idea what Nick Saban's world is like. It's a frigid, wet place. Mammoths couldn't even survive there. He's soaked from constantly being re-baptized into the Champion faith. Florida scientists invented this drink not to rehydrate the athlete's body, but rather to cover the Saban's. PepsiCo, like the entire SEC, the CFP, and Lane Kiffin, is just a pawn lucky enough to work for King Saban.

4 championships in 7 years. Spoiler: The entire Game of Thrones series concludes with Nick Saban running a God damn tight ship full of prosperity and riches out of King's Landing.

The game's been plenty well-analyzed and covered, but I want to talk about one thing in particular from what was my favorite College Football Championship ever. Sorry, Texas and USC, I thought this one was more fun, which is wild to say. 

There were so many fast guys on the field last night. Holy smokes. Is every single one of these guys going to be going to the Olympic Trials before Rio? I'm sure at least someone from Clemson and Alabama will be there. Look at the wheels on these bad boys, just two of the many quick, fast, speedy plays from the game:

And of course, the ultra slick return dash:

Kenyan Drake is so fast that it make you wonder how impressive cars really even are.

Last night's game was great. So many studs on the field, we'll see where they go from here. People talk about the future of football being potentially bleak from concussions and safety issues, but I think football's future is bright. When it's this fast and relatively clean (I thought the lack of constant penalties and injuries was great), it's good. And it's only going to get faster here on out.

Oh yeah, one last thing. Couldn't finish the College football season without this treasure:

My Pick for Tonight's CFP Championship

#1 Clemson vs. #2 Alabama. Tonight's the night. The College Football Playoff National Championship. Man that's just two words too many. College Football Championship. CFC. That's probably a super dangerous chemical or a neurological disorder. Oh well, I'm going with the CFC. Nevermind, just looked it up on Wikipedia. The CFC is the Chess Federation of Canada. 

We all know this is just a consolation playoffs after the conclusion of yet another exciting Ivy League 10 game season. A season that saw an incredible three-way tie between Harvard, Penn, and Dartmouth. Which means that Dartmouth College is the national champion college team, being as Harvard and Penn are both universities, not colleges, so they're disqualified.

So, there's only one game left to play in the whole collegiate world. It's between the top two teams, two teams that played fantastic football all season long. Unlike every other national championship game, this year is quite different though:

I don't hate either of these teams.

Every year I can remember before this, there's been one team in the big game that I am morally forced to root against. Is it for any good reason? No. None at all. Football's like trucks. It's the greatest thing in its class (sports, vehicles), but if it's not a Ford, I'm gonna root against it. Does Chevy make a fine truck? Yes. Does Dodge? Yup. What about Toyotee? Ten-four. Do these companies actually? No, they all suck. Plus Ford pays their bills *ahem ahem tax dollars ahem bailout.* I'll look past you, Toyota, because you weren't an American financial embarrassment. Look right past you to that beautiful F-150 behind you! Zing! What the hell does this all have to do with football? I generally root against OSU and FSU. There's no reason why, but I'm just right about it. If you didn't follow the connections it's because you drive a Prius.

Alabama and Clemson are both teams I like in their own ways.

Alabama is a dynasty program, always pretty much a lock in for a title shot. Their old school style is respectable and not obnoxious to me. Probably different to everyone else in the SEC, but hey, Alabama's the SEC team I tend to like. Plus their coach seems like an awesome guy and he did a great job in Sling Blade:

Clemson has crushed all year long in the if-not-FSU-then-Miami conference, which I like a lot. They have a fun offense and put up points in interesting ways. Another major plus for Clemson is they're really fast but they're not Oregon, which I like a lot. They too have a cool coach. From what I gather his players like him, he's real fun, plus he does all those dances:

What does all this mean? Nothing. I'm not digging down on any stats, no grudges, no root-against-Bama-cause-they-beat-Wisconsin, no I-have-a-buddy-who-likes-team-x-so-I'll-root-for-team-x. The only thing I can really latch on to is that both of these teams CRUSHED their opponents in the first round of the CFP. It was cool to see. I'm excited to just watch and see how it unfolds, since they both so convincingly won their way in. 

I'm rooting for a great game and hoping their different styles mash up in an exciting way. A shootout would be awesome, but that's pretty unlikely with Alabama.

Who am I taking, then?

Whichever team gets the most attractive fans on camera tonight, both quantity and quality-wise. For that, is the true glory of southern football.

Lots of Positives in Packers' First Round Postseason Win Today

Yes, I do like that. I like that more than people are letting us have credit for. "Washington sucks, you know that, right?... Washington has no defense, so it wasn't that impressive... What team couldn't beat an NFC East team this year... Washington didn't beat any teams with winning records..." There are many more gems people have been polishing up for me about why that Packers win over the Redskins isn't a bid deal, but I'm not interested in fancy rocks and minerals. I'm only interested in the silver that makes up a certain trophy named after the greatest coach in NFL history. And no, it's not called the Parcells Trophy, Mike Zimmer.

Look, no, the Redskins aren't the best team out there, but they were the best in their division, so they made the playoffs. That's how it is. If you don't like it, go watch the Golden Globes. It's the awards show equivalent of the second-place NFC East team. The Redskins got in by going on a nice little four game win streak. Also, Washington surprisingly scored the 10th most points in the league this year and ranked 9th in points per game at home. That might sound like a weird stat to reference, but my point is Washington played well at home. Also, let's not forget, every team in the playoffs gets a little more credit and much more competitive. It is for them like us gaining an extra inch. It might not be much, but it's also a ton where it counts. If Olympic sprinters can make or break their whole careers with just one more inch, imagine what you could do with it. 

So, the game started off looking like the last game of the Packers' 2015 season, and in a fashion that would epitomize the whole season: defense playing well, offense not getting crap going, down on the scoreboard early, horrible QB protection (the safety was demoralizing, I had to go outside and just look at the ground for a bit), lots of uncomfortably tangible QB frustration, slow WR routes often ending while the ball was still somewhere in the air, and the only thing Aaron seemed to be the best in the league at was seeing defensive errors, like his classic eagle eye for there being an extra defensive man on the field.

Then we did what sometimes this year seemed like a pipe dream. We scored a TD in the red zone. A TD pass to Cobb. Seems bizarre that this combination was rare this year, but it was.

The next TD came on a great drive featuring TWO CATCHES FROM DAVANTE ADAMS. Sorry to type that like one of those emails from your Dad about why climate change is a political hoax, but one of the biggest disappointments this year was Davante. The guy couldn't catch a cold if he was wearing wet socks while hanging out at a bus stop all day. Today, Davante looked like the old Davante, the Davante that was supposed to be our safety net when Lord Jordy would miss the whole 2015 season. The first big one was a 20 yard completion on a key 3rd and 2:

Davante then caught a wide open touchdown to put the Pack ahead 16-11. This was huge because 1, Davante was actually open in the endzone and 2, Davante caught a TD pass when wide open. Do you remember the two or four wide open TD drops Davante had this season? He does. Aaron does too. This one was good though:

Davante had 4 catches for 48 yards today. He hurt his knee in the second half, but it wasn't serious. Which means he'll be OK next week. Because this is the fricken playoffs, baby!

After one more score on a Kirk Cousins oh-yeah-I'm-still-a-young-guy-I-should-run-it-in-for-a-TD-through-this-fifty-foot-hole-in-the-middle-of-the-field-because-why-would-Kirk-Cousins-be-a-scramble-threat-so-that's-why-the-D-is-so-spread-right-now, Dom Capers' studs turned it on and put them down like veterinarians in a retirement community for dogs. Just great real deal postseason defensive play for the whole squad. Big stops by the secondary and total abuse on Kirky boy:

And King Clay having his way like only he does:

Finishing up with some great running by James Starks, who held on to the ball finally, hopefully burying the ghosts of Samkon Gado's past:

And big Eddie Lacy. That spin move, so much power, so much grace, so many broken tackles. He set up James' score after a big 4th down conversion run with a 30 yarder on the very next play. The following Packers' possession he put us up 30-18 on this beaut:

Followed by this Jared Abbrederis 2 point conversion. So sick seeing Jared, the guy who lived the full-cycle Wisconsin dream by walking on to the Badgers, becoming tied for the all-time receptions leader at Camp Randall, getting drafted by the Packers, then getting bumped up from the practice squad to the active roster. Great stuff for all of Wisconsin when he scored his first ever postseason points:

The Pack cruised from there to close out the game. There was one brief moment when Washington looked like it had a little life left against the prevent defense and I remembered "cruising to the end of the game" in the NFC Championship game last year, or what my gastrointestinal doctor refers to as "the beginning of the end for Luke's poop shoot," but they quickly snapped out of it. 

All in all it was a great day for the Packers. Good to see the boys having fun on the sidelines. Aaron and Mike both smiling and smiling together, a sight strangely uncommon this year. People can talk trash about the quality of the Redskins team affecting the quality of the win, but a win is a win and confidence is HUGE for this team. When Aaron is doing these sorts of Aaron things, teams go down. It scares the living hell out of them. I live in Chicago, and just walking around the streets on any given day of the year you'll see people look up into the sky just to make sure a deep ball isn't coming from Wisconsin right into the endzone. Not even the Bears win in Lambeau this year has remedied it.

So, I'll finish by saying this: it was a great day, lots of fun, the team is playing hot on all fronts, and as much as I want to not bring it up like Troy Aikman did 1,000 times today, this team's road win as a wild card team was a little reminiscent of the first game of the 2010 postseason when Green Bay was supposed to be one and done. And instead they won. With a very balanced overall attack. And went into Atlanta to take on another team with a bird mascot that was great all year and coming off a bye to play a home playoff game for fans who were already looking ahead to the NFC championship. 

Yes, this year the team we're headed to face embarrassed us a mere two weeks ago, but that same team also got embarrassed the following week at home against the Seahawks team that didn't annihilate the Vikings in their close and lucky win today. Imagine thinking about that during your first round bye in a state that largely is a retirement community, except not for dogs.

As for the Redskins, I'm sure they'll be thinking about this image for a few days. I know I will. I think it's a pretty good summary:

The Case Against Adam Gase

"Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Adam Gase has been hired as the Miami Dolphins' ninth coach since 20004, and he'll try to end the team's seven-year playoff drought."

Source: http://wgntv.com/2016/01/09/bears-coordinator-adam-gase-hired-as-dolphins-coach/

Look, I don't want to just piggyback off the last sentence and rip on the Dolphins' pursuit of the playoffs, but that sums up the truth perfectly: Being head coach of the Dolphins next year isn't better than being offensive coordinator for the Bears next year.

Yes, being a head coach is better than being a coordinator. Yes, he'll make more money. Yes, Miami is a better place to be in the winter than Chicago. But no, Miami isn't a place to go win or get close to the playoffs anytime soon. Chicago, on the other hand, looks like it will be.

You have to take the job when it comes, but one more season with things clicking under John Fox would almost assuredly lead to an even better gig next year. Jay Cutler does Jay Cutler things, but last year he did rather different Jay Cutler things. What the hell is Ryan Candyhill going to do for you? I know those Miami receivers are studs, but there's so much work to be done everywhere else on that team. Plus, such a turnover in coaches down there just shows the poison in the water. It's the hardest mission to beat in Grand Theft Auto Vice City: coach the smart fishes without getting killed, both on the field and off.

Also, let's be honest about it. I don't care how smart and sophisticated everyone always says Dolphins are. Who's taking a Dolphin over a Bear? A Bear can outrun a horse in a 100 yard dash. A Dolphin can hardly put together 100 yards total on the ground. Oh, and an actual Dolphin from the ocean would struggle to do so, too.

Super Bowl 50: Washington Redskins vs. Kansas City Chiefs

Super Bowl 50. I'm not usually one for mild stones-I like my stones spicy and small-but if I have to stretch a stone as far as I can, I'm going to go ahead and stretch it a mile right now, because this is gonna be a big Bowl. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and call it a Super Bowl.

We've all heard the storylines all year long. TB12 has been out for heads and another ring after Roger "Jane Goodall" Goodell went bananas in the offseason. Peyton's in, then he's out, then he's back, but maybe he's been a little hormonal and his growth isn't quite human. The Cardinals finally seem to have it together, but stay put just in case, OK, Drew Stanton? Cam Newton has danced his way into the spotlight and been giving away balls like he's George Bluth in Mexico:

There's also the return of AP, Andy's hair and hand, J.J.'s hand, Russells' abstinence-fueled TD bender, Pittsburgh being Pittsburgh, and Jordy causing a crash in US Dairy Markets.

But no one's talked about, dare I say wanted to talk about, Washington and Kansas City. Sure, half of that is because people actually don't want to talk about Washington because they're afraid to say the "R" word, but no one saw either of these teams making it in. It was supposed to be any other team in the NFC East and lots of other teams in the whole AFC. So I'm here to take a stand and give these teams the respect they deserve. 

No, the respect they've earned.

NO, more than the respect they deserve or have earned.

I'm calling a Washington Redskins vs. Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl.

Why not? Both teams finished on win streaks. Both teams got it done when it needed to be done. Both teams were top ten in the league in takeaways.* Both teams have quarterbacks with four letter first names. There's also another major commonality between both teams.

None of that's my point, though. Every year at least one powerhouse team makes it into the Super Bowl. It makes sense, football's a game of consistency and power. Yet on the 50th anniversary of the greatest event in sports (sorry NBC, England, Scandinavia, and the UConn Women's Basketball Team), I find myself rooting for a double underdog game. Everyone will be watching, so show us what's up, DC and KC. Be the Netflix originals and HBO among a league of Michael Bays.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

But if I'm right, Washington and Kansas City will play in Super Bowl 50.

*Washington did not finish top ten in takeaways. 

My Verdicts for the 2016 NFL HOF Finalists

"Brett Favre is one step away from entering the Pro Football Hall of Fame."

...

"Also making the cut to 15 are Morten Andersen, Steve Atwater, Don Coryell, Terrell Davis, Tony Dungy, Kevin Greene, Marvin Harrison, Joe Jacoby, Edgerrin James, John Lynch, Orlando Pace and Kurt Warner." --http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/14526864/brett-favre-terrell-owens-alan-faneca-pro-football-hall-fame-finalists

None of these guys are into the Hall of Fame yet and they won't be until the Saturday before the Super Bowl-holy crap hold your horses and save the date!-but I'm going to go ahead and make some flash judgements now.

1. Brett Favre - I've been a lifelong Packers fan, so I'm willing to speak for all of us when I say all is forgiven. Yes, he broke our hearts by playing for the Vikes then with all of the weiney pic stuff, but when he came back for his jersey retirement and boy was it good to be back. No doubt one of the best ever and his gunslinging part of the reason Obama is going after gun control. Verdict: 100% in.

2. Morten Andersen - In addition to being a worldwide salt tycoon, Mortey holds the NFL record for games played and is the all-time leading scorer. However, he was born in Denmark, so is he really the all-time scoring leader for the NATIONAL Football League? Yes. Verdict: 100% in.

3. Steve Atwater - Hmm let me see 8 pro bowls, 2 Super Bowl wins, and nicknamed "The Silent Assassin." Look, you could try to tell him he's not in, but it'll be the last thing you ever say. Verdict: In. 

4. Don Coryell - He's a coach who's not named Vince, Bill, or Ditka, boring, don't care. Also, he didn't get in the first time he was elected, and this is a tough class. Don't know if that's how it works but that's how it works here. Verdict: out. Better luck next time, again.

5. Terrell Davis -  Broncos all-time leading rusher and winner of the Elway-era Super Bowls, a dragon John's still chasing after. Hard call, but I think T.D.'s found his way in for yet another score. Elway is praying to God it's not the only good news he gets in February. Verdict: in.

6. Tony Dungy - Tony, Tony, Tony. I'm hard on coaches, but that's just because they've always been hard on me. Look, I know you've been through a lot of horrible stuff in your life, but Tony, you're on TV a lot now. You can't do this all the time:

It's scaring the crap out of everyone watching SNF. However, he's loved by about everyone and had a great run in Indie. Also, he was great chasing Frodo and Sam around for three whole movies. Verdict: In.

7. Kevin Greene - 3rd all-time in sacks, five pro bowls, and arguably the originator of white-guy flow. On top of it he's currently in Green Bay coaching King Clay, God of sacks and the Norse. Verdict: In.

8. Marvin Harrison - We all know the stats and excellence of Marvin. Even now you hear analysts on TV calling him the fastest and stuff like this. He's twice been alleged to have been involved in shootings, but Marvin's known for getting away from tight coverage. Plus I remember this sweet documentary I saw about him having a street race in his neighborhood when he was a kid. Backyard football in real life for the trump. Verdict: In.

9. Joe Jacoby - I truthfully didn't know who Joe Jacoby was. He won three rings and looks like this:

A man who looks like this is a good looking man. Verdict: In.

10. Edgerrin James - Assessing this through the lens of a 90's kid. Edge was dirty in Madden and always rated in the 90s. Great spin move and solid catcher. However, he was playing in the boom of the Peyton years, and yardage was different back then. 2008 hadn't happened yet. Verdict: Out.

11. John Lynch - In the age of extreme HDTV, so many hits look so much worse as you can see guys spines and lives shortening with each brutal hit. However, every once in a while I'll think about some of the worst hits I saw. Lots of them were at the hands of this 9 time pro bowler. And this guy really delivered strikes, almost no one was spared. Great joke. Verdict: In.

12. Orlando Pace - Not only did this former number one overall pick earn himself seven pro bowls and a championship, he blocked for Marshall and Kurt. Lots of linemen don't open holes consistently, let alone that many MVP holes. He was a real wingman. Verdict: In.

13. Kurt Warner - Ah, Kurt. Kurt, you are a man I've always been fond of. A beautiful, older wife. A great career: 2 MVPs, 2 Super Bowls, 3rd highest career completion percentage. But before he scorched the turf, he worked at a grocery store for a while. On top of it all, just a standup man and someone for us all to look up to. Verdict: In to both the HOF and heaven. God bless you, Kurt Warner.

14. Terrell Owens - I honestly thought T.O .was still bumming around as a free agent. He was so, so good. Remember that game he caught like 70 passes? He does. The issue is he shed some tears for a QB I'm more than suspicious of. No go, T.O. Verdict: Out.

15. Alan Faneca - 9 pro bowls, 6 first-team all-pro, Steeler Hall of Fame, and pretty sure he was in one of those soup commercials back when a bunch of Steeler guys were on the Chunky commercials. Verdict: In.

We've got horrible grade inflation in this country, but these guys are all at the top of the class, which is why most are in.

T.O.: We both know you can play another year, so go get on a team and add a few more stats to prove you're worthy. 

The Deep Ball

Peyton Manning didn't play great in the first game of this season with new coach Gary Kubiak, completing 24 of 40 passes for 175 yards, an interception, and a rather low 59.9 rating. He's currently about halfway done with game two and not playing spectacular, but does finally have a TD. People are questioning his arm strength and whether he's beyond the twilight of his career. Whether he's done or not is silly to discuss after only one week and with a new coach on top of it.

On a side note, I just looked up Peyton's career totals, and he's just shy of 70,000 yards.

70,000 yard. 70,000. Yards. 3 feet per yard. That's like 1,000,000 feet or something.

And Brett Favre had OVER 70,000 yards, 71,838 yards total.

70,000 yards is 40 MILES. 40 miles, as in miles as in the worst day in gym class every semester except instead of running the great 4 lap equalizer these guys threw a football that far. 40 TIMES. Imagine hustling around the track, trying not to be a try-hard but also making sure you're keeping a respectable distance ahead of that one kid who's been practicing running as if he were an anime character, when suddenly a football whizzes around the track. Yes that's impossible with the curves, but it would force you right into the locker room for a fresh full-body coat of Axe spray.

Say what you will about two of the best ever, but just remember the next time you're talking trash from the couch that Peyton and Brett have thrown the football for about one and a half marathons. That's one and a half marathons farther than real armchair quarterbacks throw, let alone run. And a half marathon farther than sad 27 year olds who realize they hate the generic financial job that's now become a career run while trying to prove to everyone they have other interests outside of work. Ugh, people who discover running and working out after college. Yeah, we get it, you're always talking about it and posting pictures about it. I'm the only guy with the stones to say it: no one cares about your marathon. If you really need to get to bed early so you can "train" in the morning, just go already. You've been talking at me about it for a whole quarter of this game now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to this game. I have a lot left to study for one of the several games I'll be coaching from my couch next week.